Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Isn't it amazing? Robert Blake was found not guilty. And his lawyer was very clever. The defense was based on the premise, "What kind of idiot kills his wife after buying her dinner?"
You know, last week Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, plus he was fined ten thousand dollars. Ooo… lots of incentive to pay that one, huh?
But I think this whole thing has mellowed Blake. Like today, he said he would kill again if he met the right woman.
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?"
Well folks, on the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, gas prices in California have hit three dollars a gallon in some places. Three dollars a gallon! Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there's no weapons of mass destruction, but apparently there's no gas there either.
Gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and O.J. are forced to carpool in their search for the real killers.
Miller
A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually rise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's journal of "Things that Scientists Told You To Do Last Month That Turned Out to be Harmful This Month."
An advertisement by a French company that parodies Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" has been banned because it is offensive to Roman Catholics. Hey, I was raised Catholic, and I don't find it offensive. That explains why I was recently asked to appear on the cover of "Hip Catholic Magazine."
Christopher Botchen, a substitute teacher in Fresno, Calif. was arrested for allegedly smoking pot in the classroom with at least 10 students. Now, under California law, as most of you know, if you smoke weed in the classroom, you have to bring enough for everyone.
Leno
Isn't it amazing? Robert Blake was found not guilty. And his lawyer was very clever. The defense was based on the premise, "What kind of idiot kills his wife after buying her dinner?"
You know, last week Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, plus he was fined ten thousand dollars. Ooo… lots of incentive to pay that one, huh?
But I think this whole thing has mellowed Blake. Like today, he said he would kill again if he met the right woman.
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?"
Well folks, on the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, gas prices in California have hit three dollars a gallon in some places. Three dollars a gallon! Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there's no weapons of mass destruction, but apparently there's no gas there either.
Gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and O.J. are forced to carpool in their search for the real killers.
Miller
A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually rise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's journal of "Things that Scientists Told You To Do Last Month That Turned Out to be Harmful This Month."
An advertisement by a French company that parodies Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" has been banned because it is offensive to Roman Catholics. Hey, I was raised Catholic, and I don't find it offensive. That explains why I was recently asked to appear on the cover of "Hip Catholic Magazine."
Christopher Botchen, a substitute teacher in Fresno, Calif. was arrested for allegedly smoking pot in the classroom with at least 10 students. Now, under California law, as most of you know, if you smoke weed in the classroom, you have to bring enough for everyone.
