Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman
Jennifer Anniston has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. So I'm thinking about this – what chance now does that poor loser have of getting another woman?
Here's the story of the week – a woman goes into Wendy's and she orders the chili and she finds a human finger in the chili. (groans) I mean, how many of you were stunned – how many of you didn't know they put meat in Wendy's chili? (laughter) This is interesting. She spotted the finger when it pointed to the salt.
Did everyone have a good Easter holiday? New York City loves holidays. I was in town yesterday taking a walk through Central Park and everybody in New York City had the Easter spirit. I came upon a squirrel, on Easter Sunday, and there he was, big as life, dying his nuts.
Of course, today down in Washington, they had the big annual Easter egg hunt there on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio.
Miller
Just drove in on the 101 from Santa Barbara and, uh, let me say this, vis á vis the Schiavo case . . . If we're gonna start offing everybody in this culture that's brain-dead, that road would be empty.
John Couey – the convicted sex offender was charged with raping and killing 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford . . . Hey Florida! Forget about Terri Schiavo. Let's take this scumbag's feeding tube out!
Robert Blake claims he's broke. He blames his tax problems on the fact that the $50,000 he paid the hit man – he thought it was going to be a write-off.
Paris Hilton was in Mexico to promote her new perfume. What a freaked-out culture. She is formally known in Mexico as "El Skanko Magnifico!"
Ferguson
My excitement is building and I'll tell you why – March Madness. That's right. The NCAA tournament has been narrowed down from 64 hopefuls to the final four. It's a bit like Donald Trump picking a new wife, isn't it?
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."
The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.
Kimmel
Jurors in the Michael Jackson trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had – he had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."
Gasoline prices hit an all-time high this week. The national average is now $2.05 a gallon. In California the average is $2.31 a gallon. And that is for the cheap gas. Even I have been trying to conserve gas. Everyday now on the way into work, I try to run at least one car off the road. (laughter) I'm also training my assistant to use a siphon.
Letterman
Jennifer Anniston has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. So I'm thinking about this – what chance now does that poor loser have of getting another woman?
Here's the story of the week – a woman goes into Wendy's and she orders the chili and she finds a human finger in the chili. (groans) I mean, how many of you were stunned – how many of you didn't know they put meat in Wendy's chili? (laughter) This is interesting. She spotted the finger when it pointed to the salt.
Did everyone have a good Easter holiday? New York City loves holidays. I was in town yesterday taking a walk through Central Park and everybody in New York City had the Easter spirit. I came upon a squirrel, on Easter Sunday, and there he was, big as life, dying his nuts.
Of course, today down in Washington, they had the big annual Easter egg hunt there on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio.
Miller
Just drove in on the 101 from Santa Barbara and, uh, let me say this, vis á vis the Schiavo case . . . If we're gonna start offing everybody in this culture that's brain-dead, that road would be empty.
John Couey – the convicted sex offender was charged with raping and killing 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford . . . Hey Florida! Forget about Terri Schiavo. Let's take this scumbag's feeding tube out!
Robert Blake claims he's broke. He blames his tax problems on the fact that the $50,000 he paid the hit man – he thought it was going to be a write-off.
Paris Hilton was in Mexico to promote her new perfume. What a freaked-out culture. She is formally known in Mexico as "El Skanko Magnifico!"
Ferguson
My excitement is building and I'll tell you why – March Madness. That's right. The NCAA tournament has been narrowed down from 64 hopefuls to the final four. It's a bit like Donald Trump picking a new wife, isn't it?
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."
The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.
Kimmel
Jurors in the Michael Jackson trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had – he had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."
Gasoline prices hit an all-time high this week. The national average is now $2.05 a gallon. In California the average is $2.31 a gallon. And that is for the cheap gas. Even I have been trying to conserve gas. Everyday now on the way into work, I try to run at least one car off the road. (laughter) I'm also training my assistant to use a siphon.
