Sunday, March 13, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like Bill Clinton when he heard he was gonna get to see the nurses at New York Presbyterian hospital again.
Good news. President Clinton is doing better. Just today, his condition was upgraded from stable to horny.
As you know former President Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can cleanup from his last operation and remove fluid buildup. Isn’t fluid buildup what got him impeached the last time?
He was in surgery for four hours today under a general anesthetic and when he finally opened his eyes and saw Hillary standing there he thought, "Oh my god, I’ve died and gone to hell.”
Big snowstorm back east this week. Six inches in Connecticut. The good news, it makes it easier to track Martha Stewart.
Do you know there’s actually no snow in Martha Stewart’s yard? She got up at 5 A.M. and vacuumed the entire thing.
Last night was Dan Rather’s last night as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Dan is not leaving show business. He’ll be hosting the new "Ripley’s Believe It or Not”.
(Michael Jackson jokes done by Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.) Nice to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama top, we have another court case on our hands.
Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white.
The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back. Hey kids are heavier now!
What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals on wheels.
Do you know where Michael’s two favorite places to go on vacation are? Youngstown and Boise!
What does Michael Jackson never say after having sex? "Why don’t you grow up?”
The observers say Michael rarely looked at the boy on the stand. Of course he didn’t. The kid is 15 now.
(Back to Jay Leno.) Over in Britain, they have now come out with a Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles postage stamp. It’s a little different than the regular stamps. On these stamps, the adhesive is on the picture side, so you put it on the letter face down.
Delta airlines announced to cut costs, they are doing away with pillows. Great, so now there’s no way to shut up that crying baby.
According to a new law in San Louis Obispo, California, a librarian has the right to throw someone out of the library if they smell bad. Of course people here in Los Angeles where shocked when they heard that, they said, "What’s a library?”
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like Bill Clinton when he heard he was gonna get to see the nurses at New York Presbyterian hospital again.
Good news. President Clinton is doing better. Just today, his condition was upgraded from stable to horny.
As you know former President Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can cleanup from his last operation and remove fluid buildup. Isn’t fluid buildup what got him impeached the last time?
He was in surgery for four hours today under a general anesthetic and when he finally opened his eyes and saw Hillary standing there he thought, "Oh my god, I’ve died and gone to hell.”
Big snowstorm back east this week. Six inches in Connecticut. The good news, it makes it easier to track Martha Stewart.
Do you know there’s actually no snow in Martha Stewart’s yard? She got up at 5 A.M. and vacuumed the entire thing.
Last night was Dan Rather’s last night as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Dan is not leaving show business. He’ll be hosting the new "Ripley’s Believe It or Not”.
(Michael Jackson jokes done by Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.) Nice to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama top, we have another court case on our hands.
Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white.
The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back. Hey kids are heavier now!
What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals on wheels.
Do you know where Michael’s two favorite places to go on vacation are? Youngstown and Boise!
What does Michael Jackson never say after having sex? "Why don’t you grow up?”
The observers say Michael rarely looked at the boy on the stand. Of course he didn’t. The kid is 15 now.
(Back to Jay Leno.) Over in Britain, they have now come out with a Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles postage stamp. It’s a little different than the regular stamps. On these stamps, the adhesive is on the picture side, so you put it on the letter face down.
Delta airlines announced to cut costs, they are doing away with pillows. Great, so now there’s no way to shut up that crying baby.
According to a new law in San Louis Obispo, California, a librarian has the right to throw someone out of the library if they smell bad. Of course people here in Los Angeles where shocked when they heard that, they said, "What’s a library?”
