Thursday, March 24, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
I've started doing that new Robert Blake workout. No matter what you do wrong, you just walk.
How do you think [his] acquittal makes Martha Stewart feel? I mean, she goes to prison for lying to investigators, Robert Blake goes free ... you know, if Martha would have just killed her stockbroker instead of taken his advice, she'd be a free woman now.
Michael Jackson had a big St. Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch [last week]. In fact, when the cops showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."
You know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."
Adidas has announced they're coming out with a "smart" shoe. It costs $250. You know, it's bad enough we can't afford to drive anywhere, now we can't walk anywhere.
According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, they say American schoolchildren are now incredible multi-taskers. They say one-third of all school children can now do their homework, instant message their friends, listen to music, watch TV and have sex with the teacher all at the same time.
Letterman
What a beautiful day ... isn't it lovely today in New York City? (applause) It's so nice, earlier today I saw a rat going into Central Park carrying a yoga mat.
It was so nice in New York City today that Martha Stewart was running around her estate wearing nothing but her electronic ankle bracelet.
Insiders now claim that Michael Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous breakdown. (Pause) No, wait a minute ... that's me.
How about that Robert Blake – there's something, huh? What a piece of work this guy is. And now he's appearing on television to give his first interview to Barbara Walters, and earlier today he made Spaghetti Bolognaise with Tony Danza.
And Blake says he doesn't know who killed his wife, which would make him the only one in the world who doesn't. (laughter) But he's grateful for his acquittal. He thanked his team of legal warriors and the jury of 12 dumb asses.
Conan
If it's possible, you always think with [the Michael Jackson trial] it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the next day and it's absolute madness. Yesterday at [the trial], Michael showed up late again, and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."
The New York Post says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar, she had to be helped outside by the bouncer. (cheers) Afterwards, Chelsea said, "I'm sorry, I'm really competitive with the Bush twins."
This is weird. In Wisconsin, a 63-year-old man was charged with sexual gratification with an animal, for allegedly having sex with cows. Yeah. If convicted, the Wisconsin man could be deported to West Virginia.
Leno
I've started doing that new Robert Blake workout. No matter what you do wrong, you just walk.
How do you think [his] acquittal makes Martha Stewart feel? I mean, she goes to prison for lying to investigators, Robert Blake goes free ... you know, if Martha would have just killed her stockbroker instead of taken his advice, she'd be a free woman now.
Michael Jackson had a big St. Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch [last week]. In fact, when the cops showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."
You know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."
Adidas has announced they're coming out with a "smart" shoe. It costs $250. You know, it's bad enough we can't afford to drive anywhere, now we can't walk anywhere.
According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, they say American schoolchildren are now incredible multi-taskers. They say one-third of all school children can now do their homework, instant message their friends, listen to music, watch TV and have sex with the teacher all at the same time.
Letterman
What a beautiful day ... isn't it lovely today in New York City? (applause) It's so nice, earlier today I saw a rat going into Central Park carrying a yoga mat.
It was so nice in New York City today that Martha Stewart was running around her estate wearing nothing but her electronic ankle bracelet.
Insiders now claim that Michael Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous breakdown. (Pause) No, wait a minute ... that's me.
How about that Robert Blake – there's something, huh? What a piece of work this guy is. And now he's appearing on television to give his first interview to Barbara Walters, and earlier today he made Spaghetti Bolognaise with Tony Danza.
And Blake says he doesn't know who killed his wife, which would make him the only one in the world who doesn't. (laughter) But he's grateful for his acquittal. He thanked his team of legal warriors and the jury of 12 dumb asses.
Conan
If it's possible, you always think with [the Michael Jackson trial] it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the next day and it's absolute madness. Yesterday at [the trial], Michael showed up late again, and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."
The New York Post says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar, she had to be helped outside by the bouncer. (cheers) Afterwards, Chelsea said, "I'm sorry, I'm really competitive with the Bush twins."
This is weird. In Wisconsin, a 63-year-old man was charged with sexual gratification with an animal, for allegedly having sex with cows. Yeah. If convicted, the Wisconsin man could be deported to West Virginia.
