Saturday, March 26, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Well, it is now 11:35 for any parent whose kids are still on spring break. Congratulations – you may already be a grandparent.
In the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.
Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise. Last he was only making $53 a barrel, this week he's making $57 a barrel.
Yesterday, President Bush said he would further loosen the immigration laws. And of course, people are shocked… "What, we have immigration laws? When did that start?"
What do you think of this? Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system … you have to keep working even after you're dead.
Isn't that creepy? But think about it – you know hard it is for a corpse to find work? Look at Al Gore, he's been out of work for what, about six years?
Conan
Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble, did you hear this? It's been reported that [he] may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breast. When asked about it, Arnold said, "I didn't want to, but Barbara Walters kept insisting."
Yesterday, President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was one awkward moment, when Bush asked the Mexican president, "How did you sneak in here?"
Adidas has created a "smart shoe" that costs $250. Yeah, apparently the shoe is so smart it has never paid $250 for a shoe.
Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called "Over 50." When asked why he bought the magazine "Over 50," Michael said, "I thought they meant months."
Miller
"President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin on Wednesday. Oddly enough, the meeting occurred when they all reached for the same 24 pack of Kirkland toilet paper at Costco."
"Actually, the three leaders met in Texas, where they spent part of the time on President Bush's ranch. The meeting did get off to a rocky start, though, when Bush said he valued Canada and Mexico, seeing them as large pieces of Styrofoam protecting something really valuable in between."
"In an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Robert Blake said that he has a clear conscience after his acquittal. Blake went on to say that if the jury believes he didn't kill his wife, than so does he."
"The County Treasurer in New Castle, Pennsylvania has come under heavy criticism for allegedly using his county issued cell phone to coordinate sex parties. A sex party featuring county workers... There's an orgy you don't want to miss. A bunch of orange traffic cones surrounding six shirtless chubby guys smoking cigarettes and watching the new guy hump a shovel."
Leno
Well, it is now 11:35 for any parent whose kids are still on spring break. Congratulations – you may already be a grandparent.
In the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.
Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise. Last he was only making $53 a barrel, this week he's making $57 a barrel.
Yesterday, President Bush said he would further loosen the immigration laws. And of course, people are shocked… "What, we have immigration laws? When did that start?"
What do you think of this? Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system … you have to keep working even after you're dead.
Isn't that creepy? But think about it – you know hard it is for a corpse to find work? Look at Al Gore, he's been out of work for what, about six years?
Conan
Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble, did you hear this? It's been reported that [he] may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breast. When asked about it, Arnold said, "I didn't want to, but Barbara Walters kept insisting."
Yesterday, President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was one awkward moment, when Bush asked the Mexican president, "How did you sneak in here?"
Adidas has created a "smart shoe" that costs $250. Yeah, apparently the shoe is so smart it has never paid $250 for a shoe.
Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called "Over 50." When asked why he bought the magazine "Over 50," Michael said, "I thought they meant months."
Miller
"President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin on Wednesday. Oddly enough, the meeting occurred when they all reached for the same 24 pack of Kirkland toilet paper at Costco."
"Actually, the three leaders met in Texas, where they spent part of the time on President Bush's ranch. The meeting did get off to a rocky start, though, when Bush said he valued Canada and Mexico, seeing them as large pieces of Styrofoam protecting something really valuable in between."
"In an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Robert Blake said that he has a clear conscience after his acquittal. Blake went on to say that if the jury believes he didn't kill his wife, than so does he."
"The County Treasurer in New Castle, Pennsylvania has come under heavy criticism for allegedly using his county issued cell phone to coordinate sex parties. A sex party featuring county workers... There's an orgy you don't want to miss. A bunch of orange traffic cones surrounding six shirtless chubby guys smoking cigarettes and watching the new guy hump a shovel."
