Thursday, March 10, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
We have a very special audience here tonight. The only 400 people in the entire city who actually voted today in the mayor’s race.
Did you even know we had a mayor’s race today? You know our mayor’s race is kinda like the elections in Iraq. It’s a lot of foreign speaking people, in the desert, voting for people they’ve never heard of.
It’s now 11:36 and Martha Stewart, if you’re watching, lights out!
The authorities are insisting that Martha wear an electronic ankle bracelet to track her whereabouts. Why? She’s getting a TV show, she’s on a TV show, she’s on the news 24 hours a day, track her whereabouts? We can’t get rid of her!
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video of Michael Jackson’s house. And both of Michael’s ex-wives showed up because they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked like.
Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don’t really want him to, but doctors believe it’s the only way they can get his nose to grow back.
You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about someone who’s had more plastic surgery than me.
(Back to Jay Leno.) Bill Clinton is going back into the hospital to repair some scar tissue from his heart operation. He’s expected to be in the hospital from three to ten days depending on what his nurses look like.
I guess you know Major League Baseball has started their new tougher steroid testing policy. Let me tell you something, it’s pretty strict. Any player whose head can’t fit inside a dome stadium is banned for 10 days.
Here in California, Governor Schwarzenegger has come out in support of a plan to ban junk food in our schools. He wants to ban the vending machines because our kids are too fat. In fact, it’s so bad, our bullies can’t fit the fat nerds in the lockers anymore.
In fact, kids are getting so fat, a lot of teachers won’t even have sex with the kids.
Tomorrow night is Dan Rather’s final night as the CBS anchorman. Seems like just yesterday he was making up his first story, doesn’t it?
It was this week in 1836 that Texas declared its independence from Mexico. Now I understand California is thinking about doing the same thing.
Letterman
Jose Canseco was in New York today to sign autographs of his book. So many people showed up that he had to stop twice to inject juice in himself in the ass.
Do you want the Olympics to be here in New York City in 2012? (Applause) The Olympic Selection Committee is here right now. Things are going well, so far only one committee member is missing.
Michael Jackson has been accused of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I’d hate to see Michael get into any legal problems.
Conan
The star of the new show "Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley says that any time she strays from her diet she’s going to donate $100 to one of her favorite charities. In a related story three diseases have been completely eradicated.
Leno
We have a very special audience here tonight. The only 400 people in the entire city who actually voted today in the mayor’s race.
Did you even know we had a mayor’s race today? You know our mayor’s race is kinda like the elections in Iraq. It’s a lot of foreign speaking people, in the desert, voting for people they’ve never heard of.
It’s now 11:36 and Martha Stewart, if you’re watching, lights out!
The authorities are insisting that Martha wear an electronic ankle bracelet to track her whereabouts. Why? She’s getting a TV show, she’s on a TV show, she’s on the news 24 hours a day, track her whereabouts? We can’t get rid of her!
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video of Michael Jackson’s house. And both of Michael’s ex-wives showed up because they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked like.
Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don’t really want him to, but doctors believe it’s the only way they can get his nose to grow back.
You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about someone who’s had more plastic surgery than me.
(Back to Jay Leno.) Bill Clinton is going back into the hospital to repair some scar tissue from his heart operation. He’s expected to be in the hospital from three to ten days depending on what his nurses look like.
I guess you know Major League Baseball has started their new tougher steroid testing policy. Let me tell you something, it’s pretty strict. Any player whose head can’t fit inside a dome stadium is banned for 10 days.
Here in California, Governor Schwarzenegger has come out in support of a plan to ban junk food in our schools. He wants to ban the vending machines because our kids are too fat. In fact, it’s so bad, our bullies can’t fit the fat nerds in the lockers anymore.
In fact, kids are getting so fat, a lot of teachers won’t even have sex with the kids.
Tomorrow night is Dan Rather’s final night as the CBS anchorman. Seems like just yesterday he was making up his first story, doesn’t it?
It was this week in 1836 that Texas declared its independence from Mexico. Now I understand California is thinking about doing the same thing.
Letterman
Jose Canseco was in New York today to sign autographs of his book. So many people showed up that he had to stop twice to inject juice in himself in the ass.
Do you want the Olympics to be here in New York City in 2012? (Applause) The Olympic Selection Committee is here right now. Things are going well, so far only one committee member is missing.
Michael Jackson has been accused of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I’d hate to see Michael get into any legal problems.
Conan
The star of the new show "Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley says that any time she strays from her diet she’s going to donate $100 to one of her favorite charities. In a related story three diseases have been completely eradicated.
