Saturday, March 5, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
87-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is in trouble after he compared Senate Republicans to the Nazis. He would have compared them to the Ku Klux Klan but he used to be a member.
Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news… that I’m allowed to talk about.
Do you know about this gag order? I’m a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there’s a gag order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I’m the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael Jackson.
So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.
As you know - the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That’s a job well done.
Martha Stewart is going to be released from prison tomorrow. She was supposed to be released Sunday, but they’re letting her out tomorrow. She will immediately go to house arrest in her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she goes from the big house to the even bigger house.
In an interview on Japanese television President Clinton said that Hillary Clinton would make a great president. Lousy intern, but a great president.
The big royal wedding is a little over a month away. This is going to be a difficult adjustment for Prince Charles’ fiancée Camilla. You know, Buckingham Palace is a big change from her old job ringing the bell at Notre Dame.
Sylvester Stallone is on the show tonight. He’s promoting his new boxing reality show "The Contender”. It’s getting great reviews. Contestants on reality shows getting punched in the face. Where was this idea when Omarosa was on?
CNN, God bless them, has become the first national cable television news network to air commercials for hard liquor. Did you see their new slogan? Show the new CNN slogan. (Drop-in video screen: CNN graphic and CNN music with an announcer who sounds like James Earl Jones says "CNN – news with booze”)
Here’s a very odd story – a 63 year old man in Wisconsin has been arrested for having sexual relations with a cow. The guy was having sex with a cow. Here’s the sick part – during sex, he wanted the cow to bark like a dog.
Hey Kev, you know what this guy called this cow? His utter woman.
Do you know what the penalty for having sex with a cow? Impeachment.
Letterman
Martha if you’re watching – I waited for you.
It’s windy outside. It’s really crazy, it’s windy here in New York City. Usually it doesn’t get like this. Like today over at Flash Dancers a striper had to leash herself to a pole.
It was so windy at the Hello Deli, Rupert G was flying a kite made out of health code violations.
Here’s how time flies by. Five or six years ago Martha Stewart went to jail. Martha Stewart has been in the can, the grey bar hotel, the slammer, now she gets out on Friday. She’s busy worrying about last minute details like how much to tip the warden. But once she’s out she’s under house arrest. She’ll return to her $40 million mansion and be under house arrest. Boy that will teach her.
She can only leave the house for medical reasons, groceries or to dump more stock.
Leno
87-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is in trouble after he compared Senate Republicans to the Nazis. He would have compared them to the Ku Klux Klan but he used to be a member.
Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news… that I’m allowed to talk about.
Do you know about this gag order? I’m a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there’s a gag order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I’m the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael Jackson.
So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.
As you know - the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That’s a job well done.
Martha Stewart is going to be released from prison tomorrow. She was supposed to be released Sunday, but they’re letting her out tomorrow. She will immediately go to house arrest in her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she goes from the big house to the even bigger house.
In an interview on Japanese television President Clinton said that Hillary Clinton would make a great president. Lousy intern, but a great president.
The big royal wedding is a little over a month away. This is going to be a difficult adjustment for Prince Charles’ fiancée Camilla. You know, Buckingham Palace is a big change from her old job ringing the bell at Notre Dame.
Sylvester Stallone is on the show tonight. He’s promoting his new boxing reality show "The Contender”. It’s getting great reviews. Contestants on reality shows getting punched in the face. Where was this idea when Omarosa was on?
CNN, God bless them, has become the first national cable television news network to air commercials for hard liquor. Did you see their new slogan? Show the new CNN slogan. (Drop-in video screen: CNN graphic and CNN music with an announcer who sounds like James Earl Jones says "CNN – news with booze”)
Here’s a very odd story – a 63 year old man in Wisconsin has been arrested for having sexual relations with a cow. The guy was having sex with a cow. Here’s the sick part – during sex, he wanted the cow to bark like a dog.
Hey Kev, you know what this guy called this cow? His utter woman.
Do you know what the penalty for having sex with a cow? Impeachment.
Letterman
Martha if you’re watching – I waited for you.
It’s windy outside. It’s really crazy, it’s windy here in New York City. Usually it doesn’t get like this. Like today over at Flash Dancers a striper had to leash herself to a pole.
It was so windy at the Hello Deli, Rupert G was flying a kite made out of health code violations.
Here’s how time flies by. Five or six years ago Martha Stewart went to jail. Martha Stewart has been in the can, the grey bar hotel, the slammer, now she gets out on Friday. She’s busy worrying about last minute details like how much to tip the warden. But once she’s out she’s under house arrest. She’ll return to her $40 million mansion and be under house arrest. Boy that will teach her.
She can only leave the house for medical reasons, groceries or to dump more stock.
