Thursday, March 17, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all time low. I think it must be true because it’s been weeks since I’ve had to say, "You’re not so tough without your knife punk!”
Crime is so low that it’s been weeks since I’ve played dead on a bank floor.
New York City has a terrible rat problem. And I mean rats, they’re not cute, they’re like terrier size. They estimate there’s between three and ten million rats in New York City. The real problem though is that they’re smart. They can elude capture. For example I was walking through Central Park this morning and saw one rat distract a squirrel and then a second rat ran in a grabbed its nuts.
I am tired, I probably don’t look the best, I haven’t slept all week. The problem is that each night I keep rolling over and hitting the electric ankle bracelet on Martha’s leg.
The niece of Osama bin Laden is living right here in New York City. I believe her name is Joyce. She’s an actress. She’s in an off Broadway play. I believe the name of the play is "Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security”.
President Clinton is in recovery. He’s doing well. He had quadruple bypass surgery. Then recently he had some other problems. But now he’s at home. Who thought his heart would be the first organ to give out?
Ferguson
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling a leprechaun.
Toys-R-Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?
I have a question about Michael Jackson. If Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 Freeway would it be considered a freak accident?
The State of California has ruled that the ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. So congratulations to gay people – you’re about to find out the joys of alimony.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all time low. I think it must be true because it’s been weeks since I’ve had to say, "You’re not so tough without your knife punk!”
Crime is so low that it’s been weeks since I’ve played dead on a bank floor.
New York City has a terrible rat problem. And I mean rats, they’re not cute, they’re like terrier size. They estimate there’s between three and ten million rats in New York City. The real problem though is that they’re smart. They can elude capture. For example I was walking through Central Park this morning and saw one rat distract a squirrel and then a second rat ran in a grabbed its nuts.
I am tired, I probably don’t look the best, I haven’t slept all week. The problem is that each night I keep rolling over and hitting the electric ankle bracelet on Martha’s leg.
The niece of Osama bin Laden is living right here in New York City. I believe her name is Joyce. She’s an actress. She’s in an off Broadway play. I believe the name of the play is "Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security”.
President Clinton is in recovery. He’s doing well. He had quadruple bypass surgery. Then recently he had some other problems. But now he’s at home. Who thought his heart would be the first organ to give out?
Ferguson
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling a leprechaun.
Toys-R-Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?
I have a question about Michael Jackson. If Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 Freeway would it be considered a freak accident?
The State of California has ruled that the ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. So congratulations to gay people – you’re about to find out the joys of alimony.
