Tuesday, March 8, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound more excited than Heidi Fleiss when she found out Charlie Sheen was single again.
The L.A. Marathon was yesterday. I wanted to run this year, then I remembered – oh, yeah, I’m too fat. Eighty-eight percent body fat not good.
I guess the winner of the marathon got a new Honda Accord and $25,000 in cash. Do you know what the 25 grand is for? Gas money!
Two-eighty a gallon today when I filled up. To give you an idea how expensive it is. Today on Hollywood Boulevard I saw a pimp in an electric car!
They say gas is now 53 dollars and 5 cents a barrel. But the good news; you get the 5 cent deposit back when you bring back the empty barrel.
Martha Stewart went back to work today. I guess you heard the bad news, on her way in this morning she knocked off a liquor store. You can’t go back.
As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest at her estate for the next five months. But did you know this? A 24 hour suicide watch has also been set up. Not for Martha. For her house staff. They’re stuck for five months in the house with Martha.
You know what’s amazing - in the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company’s stock priced has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes.
Martha also said that prison was the toughest, most humbling place she’s ever been in. Ya know, outside of a K-Mart.
You know what’s fascinating – you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it’s like for a white woman in prison.
As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been subpoenaed I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but because of the gag order, we’re bringing in a guest comedian tDenise Miller Michael Jackson jokes:o tell some Michael Jackson jokes. He’s the star of his own show on CNBC, five time Emmy award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around, Mr. Dennis Miller ladies and gentlemen!
(Dennis Miller's Michael Jackson jokes) Big day in the trial today folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines on the pigmentation flow chart.
Some interesting facts coming out about Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the western world with a wine steward.
What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red? White?
So let me get this straight – Jackson gets the kids over the Neverland Ranch. And by the way, if you like the Neverland Ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway….
He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy’s the really cool uncle I always wanted.
(Back to Jay Leno) Friday in his closing argument, Robert Blake’s lawyer said it’s ridiculous to think that Blake would kill his wife in his own neighborhood. And today O.J. Said, "Yeah, that’s crazy. You’d have to be nuts to do that.”
Did you hear about this? I thought this was really nice. While Bill Clinton and the former President Bush, were flying around the around the world the tsunami damaged areas, Clinton let Bush sleep on the plane’s only bed while Clinton himself slept on the floor. No big deal for Clinton – for him it was just like being back in the white house with Hillary.
And he was cushioned by the flight attendant. Made it a little better.
I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher.
Folks it’s happened again. This time in West Virginia, a 6th grade teacher was arrested for having sex with students. Did you see teacher’s picture? Not the most attractive. I think sex was punishment for kids who didn’t do their homework.
Student-teacher sex? It looked more like student-cafeteria lady sex to me.
Leno
What a crowd! You sound more excited than Heidi Fleiss when she found out Charlie Sheen was single again.
The L.A. Marathon was yesterday. I wanted to run this year, then I remembered – oh, yeah, I’m too fat. Eighty-eight percent body fat not good.
I guess the winner of the marathon got a new Honda Accord and $25,000 in cash. Do you know what the 25 grand is for? Gas money!
Two-eighty a gallon today when I filled up. To give you an idea how expensive it is. Today on Hollywood Boulevard I saw a pimp in an electric car!
They say gas is now 53 dollars and 5 cents a barrel. But the good news; you get the 5 cent deposit back when you bring back the empty barrel.
Martha Stewart went back to work today. I guess you heard the bad news, on her way in this morning she knocked off a liquor store. You can’t go back.
As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest at her estate for the next five months. But did you know this? A 24 hour suicide watch has also been set up. Not for Martha. For her house staff. They’re stuck for five months in the house with Martha.
You know what’s amazing - in the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company’s stock priced has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes.
Martha also said that prison was the toughest, most humbling place she’s ever been in. Ya know, outside of a K-Mart.
You know what’s fascinating – you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it’s like for a white woman in prison.
As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been subpoenaed I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but because of the gag order, we’re bringing in a guest comedian tDenise Miller Michael Jackson jokes:o tell some Michael Jackson jokes. He’s the star of his own show on CNBC, five time Emmy award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around, Mr. Dennis Miller ladies and gentlemen!
(Dennis Miller's Michael Jackson jokes) Big day in the trial today folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines on the pigmentation flow chart.
Some interesting facts coming out about Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the western world with a wine steward.
What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red? White?
So let me get this straight – Jackson gets the kids over the Neverland Ranch. And by the way, if you like the Neverland Ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway….
He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy’s the really cool uncle I always wanted.
(Back to Jay Leno) Friday in his closing argument, Robert Blake’s lawyer said it’s ridiculous to think that Blake would kill his wife in his own neighborhood. And today O.J. Said, "Yeah, that’s crazy. You’d have to be nuts to do that.”
Did you hear about this? I thought this was really nice. While Bill Clinton and the former President Bush, were flying around the around the world the tsunami damaged areas, Clinton let Bush sleep on the plane’s only bed while Clinton himself slept on the floor. No big deal for Clinton – for him it was just like being back in the white house with Hillary.
And he was cushioned by the flight attendant. Made it a little better.
I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher.
Folks it’s happened again. This time in West Virginia, a 6th grade teacher was arrested for having sex with students. Did you see teacher’s picture? Not the most attractive. I think sex was punishment for kids who didn’t do their homework.
Student-teacher sex? It looked more like student-cafeteria lady sex to me.
