Sunday, March 20, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it’s about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I’m sorry. That’s Michael Jackson.
You know who I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him? All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael’s. "Hey, come on, you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"
The elections in Iraq are being called a huge success. Did you see all the Iraqi people dancing in the streets? Wasn’t that amazing? I had no idea they were such bad dancers. That was unbelievable! Thank God that country doesn’t allow alcohol. Imagine how much worse the dancing would have been then!
A lot of Iraqi citizens here in the United States voted in the election as well. In fact, a lot of Iraqis in Chicago voted seven or eight times. Some are still voting now.
President Bush was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26, legalizing gay marriage in Mosul, was defeated.
Terrorists in Iraq claimed today they had kidnapped a U.S. soldier. They even released video showing a U.S. soldier with a gun to his head. It turns out the soldier was really just a toy doll. Like a G.I. Joe doll. The whole thing was fake. Well, it’s nice to see Dan Rather working again.
Here’s a very odd story – the New York Post reports that CBS is considering adding a comedian to the nightly news when Dan Rather steps down. How embarrassing is that for Dan? "Dan, I’m sorry, but you have to step down because there’s a problem with your credibility. We’re going to bring in Carrot Top."
As you know, Hillary Clinton collapsed. Apparently even she couldn’t believe how well the elections went in Iraq.
United Airlines pilots ratified a new contract that would reduce hourly wages 11.8 percent. The pilots are now saying the deal shouldn’t count because they were drunk when they signed it: "We were drinking pretty heavy. We don’t know what we signed."
Conan
The election is over. Bill Clinton has stated that Democrats shouldn’t sit around and whine about the election. He also went on to say, instead Democrats should use the occasion to ask for pity sex.
John Kerry is in the news of course. (Loud cheers) You haven’t seen the news I guess. Friends of John Kerry say he is depressed since the election ended. In fact he’s so down he hasn’t left any of his houses.
A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O.
Tom Cruise is in the news. Says he’s about to climb Mount Everest. And you thought he looked short next to Nicole Kidman.
Elton John is also in the news. He’s in talks with ABC to do a sitcom. The show will be called "The Real King of Queens”.
Leno
Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it’s about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I’m sorry. That’s Michael Jackson.
You know who I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him? All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael’s. "Hey, come on, you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"
The elections in Iraq are being called a huge success. Did you see all the Iraqi people dancing in the streets? Wasn’t that amazing? I had no idea they were such bad dancers. That was unbelievable! Thank God that country doesn’t allow alcohol. Imagine how much worse the dancing would have been then!
A lot of Iraqi citizens here in the United States voted in the election as well. In fact, a lot of Iraqis in Chicago voted seven or eight times. Some are still voting now.
President Bush was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26, legalizing gay marriage in Mosul, was defeated.
Terrorists in Iraq claimed today they had kidnapped a U.S. soldier. They even released video showing a U.S. soldier with a gun to his head. It turns out the soldier was really just a toy doll. Like a G.I. Joe doll. The whole thing was fake. Well, it’s nice to see Dan Rather working again.
Here’s a very odd story – the New York Post reports that CBS is considering adding a comedian to the nightly news when Dan Rather steps down. How embarrassing is that for Dan? "Dan, I’m sorry, but you have to step down because there’s a problem with your credibility. We’re going to bring in Carrot Top."
As you know, Hillary Clinton collapsed. Apparently even she couldn’t believe how well the elections went in Iraq.
United Airlines pilots ratified a new contract that would reduce hourly wages 11.8 percent. The pilots are now saying the deal shouldn’t count because they were drunk when they signed it: "We were drinking pretty heavy. We don’t know what we signed."
Conan
The election is over. Bill Clinton has stated that Democrats shouldn’t sit around and whine about the election. He also went on to say, instead Democrats should use the occasion to ask for pity sex.
John Kerry is in the news of course. (Loud cheers) You haven’t seen the news I guess. Friends of John Kerry say he is depressed since the election ended. In fact he’s so down he hasn’t left any of his houses.
A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O.
Tom Cruise is in the news. Says he’s about to climb Mount Everest. And you thought he looked short next to Nicole Kidman.
Elton John is also in the news. He’s in talks with ABC to do a sitcom. The show will be called "The Real King of Queens”.
