CBlountBlogs

Late Nite Jokes

David Letterman

This is the biggest shopping day of the year. Good news for the economy: So far, four shoppers have shown up.

I bet a friend that by New Year’s Eve, the Dow Jones will be lower than my cholesterol.

At the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Santa and his elves were marching down Broadway. Tomorrow, they’re going down to Washington to get some of that bailout money.

I love Thanksgiving. If there’s one thing Americans need, it’s a day set aside for them to stuff themselves with food.

Craig Ferguson

People do a lot of shopping on Black Friday — or as Sarah Palin calls it, just Friday.

The malls were packed on Friday. All those women fighting and screaming and shoving . . . it’s like an episode of “The View.”

I do all my shopping online. And by shopping, I mean pornography.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

It looks like Hillary Clinton has accepted Barack Obama’s offer to be secretary of state. She accepted after Obama’s vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton.

Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we’ll almost be even again.

Talking about the economy over the weekend, Barack Obama said, “There are no quick, easy fixes.” To which Amy Winehouse said, “There are in my neighborhood.”

It looks like the government is going to bailout Citigroup, yet they don’t want to bailout the auto companies. Blue-collar guys who make our cars don’t get a bailout, but the white-collar guys on Wall Street do. I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses

10. "I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on five feet behind me"

9. "Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine"

8. "Damn 'gotcha' media got me again!"

7. "My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse"

6. "Those were al-Qaida turkeys"

5. "I thought they were just torturing the little guy"

4. "I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?"

3. "Uh, stomach flu?"

2. "I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America"

1. "Don't blame me! Blame Joe the turkey slaughterer!"

David Letterman

Sarah Palin was at the turkey pardoning in Washington. Right behind her, during the pardoning ceremony, was a big turkey grinding device and turkeys were getting slaughtered. It was gruesome. I honestly haven’t seen a slaughter like that since Nov. 4.

Down in Washington, the big Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. The contract to decorate the tree went to Halliburton for $10 billion.

Political insiders are saying Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. Or is that Bill and Hillary?

Conan O'Brien

Psychologists are saying people are cutting back on gifts this year, and more people will be spending more time with family. Experts say this is what’s known as a lose-lose situation.

GM has announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a GM spokesman said, “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, popular . . . and that’s just not us.”

At a press conference, Barack Obama said that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, “That’s funny — he didn’t mention that during the campaign.”

Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama announced his economic team, and President Bush is working closely with him. Obama says the team has many obstacles to overcome — the biggest one being that President Bush is working with them.

Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. That’s a pretty big mouth to fill.

The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad?

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Barack Obama’s people are trying to lower expectations. Everyone thinks he’s going to be able to fix everything. If they want to lower expectations, they should keep some of those Bush people on.

A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did for the campaign. The organization is called the Democratic Party.

The executives of the Big Three automakers have said that they will now carpool to Washington next year instead of flying in on private jets. To make sure there won’t be any problems, they will drive a Toyota.

The economy is so bad, the White House turkey turned down the pardon. He says he lost all his money in the stock market and has nothing left to live for.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn't Care Anymore

10. Hasn't taken off his Iron Man costume since Halloween

9. The menu for the White House Thanksgiving dinner? Corn dogs and Beefaroni

8. Drew a picture of Garfield on Dick Cheney's bald head

7. He's barely trying to ruin the economy anymore

6. Spent the entire weekend in the Oval Office pardoning himself

5. Saw Osama at Arby's drive-thru but didn't feel like chasing him

4. Spends Cabinet meetings scanning classifieds for next job

3. Primary focus is surpassing Hank Paulson's high score on "Guitar Hero"

2. Asking Obama, "How soon can you bail me out of the White House?"

1. Started dating hefty interns

David Letterman

They have a new balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: the John McCain balloon — it never gets off the ground.

A mailman was arrested for not delivering junk mail. Still no word on bin Laden.

Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, Thank you, Oprah.

During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.

Conan O'Brien

In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, “This isn’t about big government or small government. It’s about building a smarter government.” When he heard this, President Bush said, “I get it, I get it. I’m leaving.”

Earlier today, John McCain gave his first press conference since the election, and he said that for a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign. Unfortunately for McCain those people are called Democrats.

A new study has found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety ratings. Apparently Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.

Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin is back on the campaign trail. She’s going to go to the Senate runoff election down in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is, she’s going right down there . . .

Somali pirates have captured another ship. Interestingly, al-Qaida has declared war on the pirates — it’s like evil versus evil. It’s like Dick Cheney versus his lawyer.

The pirates have gone high-tech. They even have MySpace pages. Current mood? “Looking for booty.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I had $350,000 riding on Lance Bass to win “Dancing With the Stars.” Now I have to sell my house. Unless Lance comes up with the money he owes me.

For many voters, dancing wasn’t so important. The undecided factor was the economy.

Barack Obama’s wife Oprah Winfrey has her “Favorite Things” show this week. She’s featuring affordable things this year . . . thumbtacks.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

It doesn’t look as if the automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money to just keep making the same stupid mistakes. And when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it’s talking about.

The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for Homeland Security chief is Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano. Her first job — to find out who leaked her name.

If she gets this job, she will be the first official ever to take over the job overseeing Homeland Security working for a guy who if he wasn’t president, his name would be on the No-Fly List: Barack Hussein Obama.

Yesterday, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey. She was amazed to find out that besides being a bird, turkey is also a country.

David Letterman

The economy is bad. So bad, they’re laying off department store Santa Clauses — more bad news for John McCain.

Barack Obama was busy moving into the White House while John McCain was busy blowing on his soup.

Sarah Palin landed a $7 million book deal. She’s very excited — she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house.

She’s got a great guy working on the deal — Joe the agent.

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. According to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said yes.

The auto companies in the United States are scrambling to come up with a plan. This week Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. When asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, “$25 billion dollars.”

This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Unfortunately, no one likes their team’s new nickname: “The Fighting Husseins.”

A new “Star Trek” movie is coming out, and people are talking about it because in this one Captain Kirk has a steamy sex scene with a crewmember. When they heard this, “Star Trek” fans said, "It's amazing what people will be able to do thousands of years in the future.”

Craig Ferguson

The movie “Twilight” came out today. It’s about vampires. It’s already made a gazillion dollars.

It’s based on books meant for teenage girls — which means I’ve read them all.

Vampire movies are everywhere. HBO has that series “True Blood,” and CBS has their show with immortal creatures called “60 Minutes.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

According to statistics, Mexican emigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last four years. You have to hand it to President Bush. He knew the way to stop people from sneaking in was not to build a fence, it was to make this country very undesirable.

Most of the illegal immigrants came here to make money, but now we don’t have any money.

That’s bad news for Los Angeles, though. If this trend continues, we may be forced to start raising our own kids.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

There’s going to be an auto show in Washington — $10 to get in, $25 billion to get out.

Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Cheney whispered in his ear, “Cars use oil.”

Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, how about giving it to us, with the provision that it can only be used to buy a Corvette? They get the money; everybody gets back to work; and we all get a new car.

Ashley Dupree, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, says she’s sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife, and that she feels connected to her. Maybe if she wasn’t connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.

David Letterman

Economists say only 34 shopping days left until bankruptcy.

The economy is so bad that today on Oprah Winfrey’s show, she gave everybody in the audience a car . . . company.

Bill Clinton went to Barack Obama and said that he would do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state — even remove his profile from eHarmony.com.

And he would place all his interns in a blind trust.

Conan O'Brien

Executives from the auto industry are being criticized because to ask Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, “We would have driven but our cars only get 3 miles per gallon.”

Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the vice president of Missouri.

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s excited to see Obama become the second most powerful person in the world.

Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for America. It is Vice-President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday. It is a smart gift to give Biden because with his mouth full of cupcakes, he can’t say anything stupid.

Barack Obama recently quit smoking. Apparently Barack Obama’s wife Michelle gave him an ultimatum. She said that if he didn’t quit, she wouldn’t support him running for president. What is she gonna do, switch sides and start supporting McCain?

I mean, she’s not Joe Lieberman.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going-out-of-business sale right now.

The Dow is now dropping so frequently, they’ve decided to add an “n” at the end of it for “down” and just call it a day.

President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas.

Heritage Blasts Obama’s Climate Message

The Heritage Foundation issued a harsh rebuttal to Barack Obama’s latest climate change comments, blasting the president-elect for recycling problematic climate change rhetoric from the campaign trail.

The Washington think tank also criticized Obama’s plans to address global warming, calling the proposals “fear mongering” based on tainted data.

The Heritage Foundation’s statement came in response to comments made at the Global Climate Summit, a meeting arranged by California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Los Angeles earlier this week. More than 600 global climate-change experts convened at the summit to try to break gridlock on environmental issues ahead of next month’s United Nations Climate Change Conference in Poznan, Poland.

In a video played for the Summit’s attendees, Obama emphasized his enthusiasm for the Poznan Conference and promised that his administration would mark a “new chapter in American leadership on climate change.”

“Few challenges facing America and the world are more urgent than combating climate change,” Obama said. “Many of you are working to confront this challenge. But too often, Washington has failed to show the same kind of leadership. That will change when I take office.”

The Heritage Foundation complained that Obama’s more-of-the-same proposals, include a federal cap-and-trade system, cutting carbon emissions by a whopping 80 percent by 2020, $15 billion a year in new spending, and five million new “green” jobs.

“The globe-trotting delegates at the posh Beverly Hills conference swallowed every word,” the Heritage Foundation statement said. The group has long disputed some of the key facts and figures on the subject of man-made global warming – data relied on by the Obama camp.

“There is absolutely no scientific evidence that Obama’s carbon capping targets would solve any of these problems,” the Heritage Foundation argued. “If the U.S. reduced carbon emissions by 75 percent by 2050, it would result in just 0.013 degrees Celsius of “prevented” warming by 2050.”

Other bullet points in the Heritage counter-argument included:

Studies show that stabilizing carbon at 2000 levels would do nothing to stop the rising seas.

The Electric Power Research Institute in Palo Alto, Calif., calculates that even if the United States, Europe and Japan turned off every power plant and mothballed every car, atmospheric carbon dioxide would still climb from the current 380 parts-per-million to a perilous 450 ppm by 2070 -- thanks to contributions from China and India.

The Heritage rebuttal also emphasized that there are no environmental benefits from Obama’s green agenda promises – only costs to bear from the President Elect’s cap-and-trade plan, for instance. Obama says he will take the proceeds from his plan and spend $15 billion a year to create 5 million new green jobs.

The Foundation fired back with these bullets:

The environmentalist left has already admitted these numbers are completely bogus. Apollo Alliance co-director Kate Gordon recently told the Wall Street Journal that her group’s job estimates were arrived at “just to inspire people.”

Heritage’s Center for Data Analysis studied the economic costs of the much less stringent Lieberman-Warner cap-and-trade plan and found that it would cost the U.S. economy a $4.8 trillion loss in GDP and a net one million loss of jobs by 2030.

“There is a reason European Union countries such as Germany and Italy are insisting that the EU’s greenhouse gas emissions targets be eased; they are experiencing the economic pain of the green agenda first hand,” argued the Heritage Foundation brief. “The EU’s cap-and-trade program is in complete collapse. Now is not the time for the U.S. to import Europe’s failed and job killing environmental policy.”

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

A new study says that unhappy people watch more TV. I just want to say, helllllooo, Republicans.

Sociologists say that nine months after Election Day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. This is nothing new. In fact, John McCain is a Lincoln baby.

Barack Obama won’t be able to use his BlackBerry or even e-mail once he’s president, due to security issues. He says he still wants a laptop for the Oval Office desk, however. Bush thought he had a laptop — but it was just an Etch A Sketch.

Hillary Clinton may take the job of secretary of state. The secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president. To which Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, that’ll be a first . . .”

David Letterman

It was so cold today, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.

The Big Three automakers are asking the government for bailout money. If it gets any worse, these guys will have to trim their $10 million bonuses.

People magazine has named Hugh Jackman as their “Sexiest Man Alive.” Al Franken is demanding a recount.

It looks like Hillary Clinton will be secretary of state. Not only that, she will receive the home version of the presidency as a parting gift.

Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, the heads of the GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. When asked what they would do with the money, all three said, “Buy a new BMW.”

Yesterday, Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have someone to play hide ‘n’ seek with.

This week John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for re-election to the Senate. Apparently, McCain’s new campaign slogan is “Now 100% Sarah Palin-Free.”

Today is Larry King's birthday. As a result, we are currently experiencing a worldwide candle shortage.

Craig Ferguson

Convicted felon Ted Stevens was officially declared the loser in the Alaska Senate race. He’s OK with it, though. He says he’s done with politics. He wants to spend quality time making shanks with the grandkids.

The economy’s getting bad. Broadway attendance is down 90 percent. Economists are saying it is a terrible time to be gay.

But when is it a good time to be gay? I guess whenever you are redecorating.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Larry King turns 75 today. It’s the first time since he was in his 20s that he has had more birthdays than ex-wives.

There was a rumor that Hillary Clinton would be chosen by Barack Obama to be secretary of state. Now that might not be the case. Maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job is that today, Bill took down his eHarmony page.

Forbes magazine came out with their list of “Hottest Tots,” the hottest babies in the world. I guess these days there isn’t much going on in the stock market.

Big 3 Carmakers Beg for $25 Billion As Aid Stalls

WASHINGTON — Detroit's Big Three automakers pleaded with a reluctant Congress Tuesday for a $25 billion lifeline to save the once-proud titans of U.S. industry, pointedly warning of a national economic catastrophe should they collapse.

Millions of layoffs would follow their demise, they said, as damaging effects rippled across an already-faltering economy.

But the new rescue plan appeared stalled on Capitol Hill, opposed by the Bush administration and Republicans in Congress who don't want to dip into the Treasury Department's $700 billion financial bailout program to come up with the $25 billion in loans.

"Our industry ... needs a bridge to span the financial chasm that has opened up before us," General Motors Corp. CEO Rick Wagoner told the Senate Banking Committee. He blamed the industry's predicament not on management failures but on the deepening global financial crisis.

And Robert Nardelli, CEO of Chrysler LLC, told the panel the bailout would be "the least costly alternative" when compared with damage from bankruptcy.

Sympathy for the industry was sparse, with bailout fatigue dominating Capitol Hill. Lawmakers bristled with pent-up criticism of the auto industry, and questioned whether a stopgap loan would really cure what ails the companies.

Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., told the leaders of GM, Chrysler and Ford Motor Co. that the industry was "seeking treatments for wounds that I believe to a large extent were self-inflicted."

Still, he said, "At a time like this, when our economic future is so tenuous, we must do all we can to ensure stability."

Sen. Mike Enzi, R-Wyo., complained that the larger financial crisis "is not the only reason why the domestic auto industry is in trouble."

He cited "inefficient production" and "costly labor agreements" that put the U.S. automakers at a disadvantage to foreign companies.

Ford CEO Alan Mulally told senators the auto industry was "a pillar of our economy. We look forward to working with you to be part of the solution" to the financial crisis.

GM's Wagoner said that despite some public perceptions that his company was not keeping pace with the times and technological changes, "we've moved aggressively in recent years to position GM for long-term success. And we were well on the road to turning our North American business around."

"What exposes us to failure now is the global financial crisis, which has severely restricted credit availability and reduced industry sales to the lowest per-capita level since World War II."

Failure of the auto industry "would be catastrophic," he said, resulting in three million jobs lost within the first year and "economic devastation (that) would far exceed the government support that our industry needs to weather the current crisis."

Chrysler's Nardelli sought to respond to critics who suggest the automakers seek Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, as have some airlines that later emerged restructured and leaner.

"We just cannot be confident that we will be able to successfully emerge from bankruptcy," Nardelli said.

Chrysler was bailed out by the federal government once before, in 1979, with $1.2 billion in loan guarantees. The company repaid the loan, plus interest, ahead of schedule.

The three said a $25 billion government infusion could get them through 2009, with Chrysler and Ford each getting about $7 billion and GM needing $10 billion to $12 billion to pull through.

Joining the Big Three CEOs, Ron Gettelfinger, president of the United Auto Workers union, said the emergency loans were important for the survival of the industry and union jobs. He said the UAW recognized that "in order for these companies to be competitive, we had to make tough calls" in labor concessions.

Congressional leaders worked behind the scenes trying to hammer out a compromise that could speed some aid to the automakers before year's end. But the outlook seemed poor.

"My sense is that nothing's going to happen this week," Sen. Bob Corker, R-Tenn., said at the opening of the hearing.

Democratic Sen. Max Baucus of Montana said he also smelled a flameout. "I sense that nothing is going to be passed," the Finance Committee chairman said.

Earlier, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer said Congress might have to return in December _ rather than adjourning for the year this week, as expected _ to consider an auto bailout.

"Dealing with the automobile crisis is a pressing need. We are talking about a lot of people ... and a great consequence to our economy," said Hoyer, D-Md.

The financial situation for the automakers grows more precarious by the day. Cash-strapped GM said it will delay reimbursing its dealers for rebates and other sales incentives and could run out of cash by year's end without government aid.

In the Senate, Democrats discussed but rejected the option favored by the White House and GOP lawmakers to let the auto industry use a $25 billion loan program created by Congress in September _ designed to help the companies develop more fuel-efficient vehicles _ to tide them over financially until President-elect Barack Obama takes office.

"There is a way to do this," said Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., the minority leader.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and other senior Democrats, who count environmental groups among their strongest supporters, have vehemently opposed that approach because it would divert federal money that was supposed to go toward the development of vehicles that use less gasoline.

"I don't think that's going very far in our caucus," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

Instead, they want to draw the $25 billion directly from the $700 billion Wall Street bailout _ bringing the government's total aid to the car companies to $50 billion.

A Senate vote on that plan, which would also extend jobless benefits, could come as early as Thursday, but it currently lacks the support to advance. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson renewed the administration's opposition on Tuesday.

Even the car companies' strongest supporters conceded Tuesday that changing the terms of the fuel-efficiency loan program might be the only way to secure funding for them with Congress set to depart for the year and the firms in tough financial shape.

"While I believe we have to have retooling going into next year, if in the short run the only way we have to be able to get some immediate help is to take a portion of that, I would very reluctantly do that _ but only because I believe President-elect Obama is going to be focused on retooling and on a manufacturing strategy next year," said Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Mich.

The White House said the government shouldn't send any more money to the struggling auto industry on top of the already-approved loans.

"We don't think that taxpayers should be asked to throw money at a company that can't prove that it has a long-term path for success," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

It’s reported that Barack Obama’s new attorney general is going to be Eric Holder. Here is what we know about him: His name is Eric Holder.

It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.

Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.

According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” In a related story, John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama'a Meeting With McCain

10. "Oh, just preparing to be president. What have you been up to?"

9. "I know a guy who would be a perfect secretary of plumbing"

8. "What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?"

7. "Let's wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune's on"

6. "Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?"

5. "Actually, it's now the 'Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild' bus"

4. "Uh John, this isn't another debate"

3. "Where's the soup? Someone said there'd be soup!"

2. "I know I'm trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I've got you right where I want you!"

1. "Maybe you'd be president-elect if you hadn't crossed Letterman"

David Letterman

Cold in New York City. So cold, today Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.

Sarah Palin has landed a $7 million book deal. She got it through a guy named Joe the publisher.

When she was asked about writing a book, she said, “You bethcha! As long as I don’t have to read it.”

Wow — $7 million. Maybe now she can buy her own clothing.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday in Chicago, President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.

Yesterday, President Bush awarded a National Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created “Spider-Man.” Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that “felt right.”

Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position secretary of state because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said, “It’s only fair — she denies me positions all the time.”

Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to the Alaska senator, and convicted felon, Ted Stevens. Today he turns 85 to life.

Everyone wants to know Barack Obama’s plans for the White house. They already know his economic plan to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year — like General Motors.

Michael Jackson is in trouble again. He is supposed to testify in a lawsuit, but his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. He can only travel in an emergency — like a Jonas Brothers concert.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Raging fires in California. So far, 32,000 acres have burned. It seems ironic that the flamingest state in the Union voted against gay marriage.

It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama’s secretary of state. She went from almost being president to a secretary.

Sounds like somebody needs to watch “Working Girl” — that’s not how it’s supposed to work.

The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her husband. But that’s just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make.

Blue Dog Democrats Wield Newfound Clout

By:John Mercurio

The left may still be crowing about its resounding Election Day victory, but it’s the fiscally conservative Blue Dog Democrats who are emerging as a significant force in the upcoming Congress.

The influential Blue Dog coalition of House Democrats saw their ranks increase on Election Day, and they’re likely to gain even greater power on Capitol Hill with an ally in the White House.

Just a few days after his victory, President-elect Barack Obama tapped his chief economic adviser, Jason Furman, to consult regularly with the Blue Dog leadership on economic issues.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, meanwhile, acknowledged the new power of centrists when she said, a few days after her party gained at least 20 House seats, that “the country must be governed from the middle.”

Blue Dogs, for their part, say they’ll hold Obama’s feet to the fire.

“President-elect Obama has consistently talked about restoring fiscal responsibility to government," noted Rep. Mike Ross, an Arkansas Democrat and co-chairman of the Blue Dog Democrats, who will number 51 or 52 seats in the 111th Congress (depending on one unresolved race in Louisiana).

That’s up from 49 this year and equals roughly one-fifth of the Democratic House membership. Four of the 10 candidates the Blue Dogs endorsed this year won. While southern Democrats still dominate the group, Blue Dogs expanded their reach in Blue States this year, winning a new seat in Maryland and holding seven seats in California and three in New York.

Still, there are clouds on the horizon. Despite her pledges to hew to the political center, Pelosi faces pressures from many factions: the Blue Dogs versus fiscal progressives who are eager to expand government programs. Meanwhile there are groups divided along racial and ethnic lines, such as the Congressional Black Caucus; and the Out of Iraq Caucus, which wants the war to end immediately.

Even more daunting is the fiscal reality that awaits Obama and the 111th Congress in January: A soaring deficit and an economy entering a recession, in which many of the country’s top job-producing industries are collapsing. Obama has already signaled his support for a multi-billion-dollar plan to help bail out the nation’s foundering auto industry, a plan that, while perhaps necessary, would send the $1 trillion-plus deficit soaring even higher.

The first sign that Blue Dogs are reassessing their top priority, the House’s pay-as-you-go rules, came recently when one of the leading members of the coalition, Rep. Jim Cooper of Tennessee, said Obama may not be subjected to the “pay-go” rules the Democrats established when they regained control of the House two years ago. “I'm not sure the old rules are relevant anymore,” Cooper said in an interview with Dow Jones. “It would be unfair to the new president to put him in a budget straightjacket.”

Cooper said his comments were taken out of context. “Blue Dog Democrats are not backsliding,” he wrote in a letter to the Wall Street Journal. “We fight legislation that is not paid for and, although our record is not perfect, are batting well over .750. With more Blue Dogs elected to Congress this year, we hope to hit even more.”

But analysts say Blue Dogs do find themselves operating these days in an drastically different environment, one in which their top goal of balanced budgeting becomes a lesser priority for recession-fearing lawmakers. “This is the point at which Disneyland meets reality. Both Obama and John McCain were in Disneyland promising new programs and tax cuts. But we happen to be bankrupt with a global recession and massive debt and no clear prospects for a quick recovery,” said Larry Sabato of the University of Virginia’s Center for Politics. “So how is it possible to do all these proposed programs and yet remain faithful to the Blue Dog philosophy? It isn’t. And I don’t think anyone thinks it is.”

Sabato said Blue Dogs could hold considerably less sway next year because “they’re not in a position to set the agenda.”

“They have to see what Obama does and react to it,” he added. “They want to vote for what he wants to see happen and then, six months from now, start complaining vigorously if the national fiscal house is still deteriorating.”

Blue Dog advisers said the coalition’s influence will increase, but that the current economic downturn may force them to revise their definition of “pay-go”. As they did in the 1990s, lawmakers may write the rule to allow an exception for financial emergencies, during which the federal government is allowed to spend more freely. “It’s all a matter of defining pay-go. We’re going to have to define pay-go going into the new Congress, and that’s yet to be determined,” said a Blue Dog aide. “It does mean ‘pay as you go,’ but there are different ways to do that.”

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. That’s kind of sad considering how close Hillary came to being the first female president. Imagine after that . . . her next job offer? Secretary.

Hillary Clinton might make a very good secretary of state — she can cackle in seven different languages.

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Joe Biden was right — hostile forces will test Obama in the first few months.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named James Bond

10. "I've made a fortune selling autographed crap on eBay"

9. "I have amazing gadgets, like a clock that's also a radio"

8. "Lots of admiring looks when they call my table at T.G.I. Friday's"

7. "At the movie theater, I get a free squirt of chemical butter"

6. "Once, I received a $5,000 residual check that should have gone to Pierce Brosnan"

5. "Calling my boss 'M' instead of Mr. Glickstein"

4. "When my brother says, 'Bond, Fred Bond,' he just looks like a jerk"

3. "Always gets a laugh when I order my Jamba Juice 'shaken, not stirred'"

2. "Halle Berry once accidentally slept with me"

1. "President Bush keeps calling me about capturing bin Laden"

David Letterman

They’re saying Hillary Clinton may be secretary of state. If she takes that job, it means she’ll be spending a lot of time away from home. Today, she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers.

Then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

Sen. McCain and President-elect Barack Obama got together for a visit. Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick.

Then Obama said to McCain, “Hey I’m catching up to you — I just got a second home.”

Conan O'Brien

Last night on “60 Minutes,” Barack Obama said that since he won the election he has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Man, this guy has a lot to learn.”

Earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent John McCain. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being “a stupid jerkface.”

Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of “great courage” on his part. Then Kissinger said, “Seriously Barack, protect your nuts.”

Obama says that he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.

Craig Ferguson

According to literary agents in New York, Sarah Palin is about to sign a $7 million book deal. They didn’t say she was going to write one or read one, but she’s going to sign it.

She’s not ruling out running for the Senate in 2010. She’s already formed an exploratory committee to explain to her what the Senate is.

The fire in California has threatened Oprah’s house. Don’t worry — she turned on her force field and the fire went away, ashamed of itself.

Washington Post Ombudsman: Affirmative Action for Conservatives

Washington Post ombudsman Deborah Howell concedes that some complaints from conservatives about the newspaper’s liberal tilt are justified — and says more conservatives are needed in newsrooms.

Howell disclosed on Sunday that the Post has fielded thousands of complaints that the paper is too liberal, including some from readers who have canceled their subscriptions.

Asserting that the mainstream media were not to blame for Barack Obama’s win in the presidential race, she nevertheless noted that “some of the conservatives’ complaints about the liberal tilt are valid.

“Journalism naturally draws liberals; we like to change the world. I’ll bet most Post journalists voted for Obama . . . The conservatives I know here feel so outnumbered that they don’t even want to be quoted by name in a memo.”

Howell cited several recent decisions by the Post that drew complaints from conservatives, including a Post Magazine spread about Michelle Obama, with a cover picture of the Obamas, that was timed to the release of a book by one of the magazine’s writers. There was no cover for John and Cindy McCain.

Also cited was a column pointing to the contrast between Sarah Palin’s expensive wardrobe and her hockey mom image, which ran above a positive story about Joe Biden’s wife Jill.

Howell wrote, “The opinion pages have strong conservative voices; the editorial board includes centrists and conservatives; and there were editorials critical of Obama. Yet opinion was still weighted toward Obama. It's not hard to see why conservatives feel disrespected.

“Are there ways to tackle this? More conservatives in newsrooms and rigorous editing would be two. The first is not easy: Editors hire not on the basis of beliefs but on talent in reporting, photography and editing, and hiring is at a standstill because of the economy. But newspapers have hired more minorities and women, so it can be done.”

Howell was named ombudsman of the Post in October 2005, and introduced herself to readers by saying she had two goals in mind — "to foster good journalism and to increase understanding between The Post and its readers."

Retired General Cautions Obama on Iraq Tactics

U.S. leaders have reversed the Iraq situation from being a “bloody disaster” into one of increasing stability, and President-elect Barack Obama must take care not to squander those gains, says retired Army Gen. Barry R. McCaffrey.

McCaffrey also excoriates what he describes as the “misjudgments and denial” of Department of Defense leaders during the first years of the war, which he said burned through $750 billion and resulted in death or injury to 36,000 U.S. troops.

“The genius of the leadership team of Ambassador Ryan Crocker, General Dave Petraeus, and Secretary of Defense Bob Gates has turned around the situation [in Iraq] from a bloody disaster under the leadership of Secretary [Donald] Rumsfeld to a growing situation of security,” McCaffrey wrote in the far-ranging “after action” report he filed recently with the Department of Social Sciences at the United States Military Academy.

Newsmax obtained a copy of the report, in which the adjunct professor at the academy expressed hope that the Obama administration will be cautious in evaluating military options during the next six months.

“The available U.S. Army and Marine combat forces are insufficient to support continued robust presence in Iraq while also rapidly reinforcing our presence in the Hindu Kush [Afghanistan] with mountain infantry capable units,” wrote McCaffrey, who is an adjunct professor at the academy and a military analyst for NBC and MSNBC.

“The likely strategic outcome will be a more rapid forced drawdown than desirable in Iraq in order to enhance combat power for Afghanistan,” he wrote. “It will be a tricky balance — but in my judgment, we will pull this off successfully. Iraq will stabilize with the rapidly increasing power of the Iraqi Security Forces, while we reinforce the inadequate NATO combat power in Afghanistan.”

Developments during the weekend may have provided the Obama administration with breathing room, if they succeed in preventing the U.S. from being forced out of of Iraq after the U.N. resolution authorizing its presence expires at the end of this year.

On Sunday, Iraq’s Cabinet approved a security pact with the United States that would allow U.S. forces to stay in Iraq for three years after the U.N. mandate expires. The agreement is subject to the approval of Iraq’s 275-member Parliament, but no vote has been scheduled, according to an Associated Press report.

The agreement would provide for U.S. forces to leave Iraq by the end of 2011 and give Iraq the right to try U.S. soldiers and defense contractors accused of serious crimes committed off-duty and off-base. It also would prohibit the U.S. from using Iraqi territory to attack Iraq's neighbors, such as Syria and Iran.

If the agreement failed to move through the Parliament, McCaffrey said it would be “a shameful outcome, which would return our U.S. military units to their base areas and begin a unilateral withdrawal and the cessation of formal U.S. support for the Iraqi government.”

McCaffrey, who based his after report on fact-finding trips to the Middle East, wrote that he believes the U.S. “is now clearly in the end game in Iraq to successfully achieve what should be our principle objectives.” Among those objectives, he listed:

Withdrawing the majority of U.S. ground combat forces in Iraq in the next 36 months.

Leaving behind a functioning government and security forces.

Fostering the end of civil war among various factions.

Helping create an Iraqi nation at peace with its neighbors.

It would be devastating if the new administration rushed a withdrawal, he wrote, noting his concerns about Iraq’s lack of preparedness.

“The Iraqis do not have a functional air force.” McCaffrey concludes. “They do not have navy and marine corps yet capable of protecting their Gulf transportation and petroleum infrastructure. Their border security forces are still anemic. The Iraqi armed forces in general lack adequate armor, artillery, maintenance, logistics, medical, and communications to function in counter-insurgency operations or border defense without U.S. support.”

McCaffrey’s report also laments that the expenditure of billions and the lives lost “did not have to turn out this way.” And they wouldn’t have, he wrote, if:

The U.S. had provided adequate ground combat power in Iraq during the initial intervention, including military police units, civil affairs, engineers, cavalry forces, and reconstruction assets.

The Iraqi army had not been dismissed and thousands of Saddam Hussein’s penniless officers been tossed out.

The U.S. had not dismissed the Baathist cadres in government, academia, the armed forces, and business, “leaving the state rudderless.”

The U.S. had created an international coalition with a clear U.N. mandate before intervening in Iraq.

U.S. leaders had not lost the support of American people with misjudgments about alleged weapons of mass destruction and Rumsfeld’s subsequent misstatements of facts about the reality of the growing insurgency war on the ground.

The U.S. had not issued “illegal orders which resulted during the initial years in the systematic widespread mistreatment [and occasional torture] of thousands of Iraqi and Afghan detainees under our control. [This shameful situation has now been completely corrected.]”

The U.S. had gained allies’ cooperation a primary objective and allowed the secretary of state to take the lead instead of the Pentagon, as well as engaging Iraq’s neighbors, in particular the Saudis, Kuwaitis, Jordanians, and the Turks.

The U.S. had seen the growing strain on its ground combat forces and expanded the Army by 200,000 troops beginning in 2002.

McCaffrey concludes, “It is essential for both U.S. and Mideast security that we pull out of Iraq in a deliberate and responsible manner — and leave a stable and functioning state. This is clearly within our capabilities.”

Obama Wants Israel Back to 1967 Borders

President-elect Barack Obama intends to pursue a Mideast peace policy that calls on Israel to revert to its pre-1967 borders in return for official diplomatic recognition by the Arab world.

A senior Obama adviser told the London Times that Obama will throw his support behind a 2002 Saudi peace initiative that also has been endorsed by Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, the Arab League, and Israeli President Shimon Peres.

Under the plan:

Israel would be able to veto the return of Arab refugees expelled in 1948.

Israel would restore the Golan Heights to Syria.

Palestinians would be allowed to establish a state capital in east Jerusalem.

According to the senior adviser, Obama has said privately that Israel would be "crazy" to reject such a plan, since it would "give them peace with the Muslim world."

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a White House dog. In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.

President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that is easy to train. Bush told him it took him almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s, or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. On Fox News, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t want to say things look bad, but Obama’s new slogan is “Maybe We Can.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Spy Film

10. Keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page

9. He has a license to fish

8. It's set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair

7. Hero's new high-tech gadget: a shampoo that's also a conditioner

6. Sexy new Bond girl has five kids and a loving husband named Todd

5. Villain's plot to destroy the world's financial system is spoiled when the bank beats him to it

4. Main character announces, "The name's Bond — Shecky Bond"

3. It's about a plot to steal the Colonel's fried chicken recipe

2. "Jet pack" looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack

1. He promises to find Osama, yet seven years later, nothing

David Letterman

On this date in 1972, the Dow Jones hit 1,000 for the first time. Unfortunately, the same thing happened today.

And on this date in 2000, Bill Clinton was the first president to visit Vietnam. At least that’s where he told Hillary he was going.

Barack Obama’s family is out looking for a dog for the White House. I hear Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on his short list.

He’s looking for a pet that does not shed . . . that rules out that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who is white.

When Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha move into the White House, they are going to have to get used to having a chef cook their meals. The White House chef is furious about it and said, “Great — four more years of making SpaghettiOs and chicken fingers.”

Yesterday in Georgia, John McCain was campaigning for a Republican congressman who is facing a runoff election. You can tell McCain is a little bitter about his defeat because instead of saying “my friends,” he now says “my ungrateful bastards.”

People in the publishing industry are speculating that President Bush will write a book after he leaves office. And by “write,” they mean “draw.”

Craig Ferguson

They say that Barack Obama’s transition is going to cost $12 million. It sounds like a lot, but it’s less than Sarah Palin would have spent on the inaugural gown, the tiara, the cape, the scepter . . . golden trousers for her husband . . .

It’s rumored that they’re going to make a Monopoly movie. It’s official — Hollywood’s out of ideas.

With the way the real estate market is, it could actually be quite scary.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

California is burning again. We have a tradition here. Once every six or eight days we set the place on fire.

While the fires were smoldering, much of the state was participating in an earthquake drill. They pretended there was a 7.8 earthquake. They say it was the biggest pretend earthquake ever to hit the United States.

Five million people participated — only six people died.

Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a Cabinet. The big rumor is he may select Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Finally — a secretary Bill doesn’t want to sleep with.

Obama Threats at Historic High

Threats against a new president historically spike right after an election, but from Maine to Idaho law enforcement officials are seeing more against Barack Obama than ever before. The Secret Service would not comment or provide the number of cases they are investigating. But since the Nov. 4 election, law enforcement officials have seen more potentially threatening writings, Internet postings and other activity directed at Obama than has been seen with any past president-elect, said officials aware of the situation who spoke on condition of anonymity because the issue of a president's security is so sensitive.

Earlier this week, the Secret Service looked into the case of a sign posted on a tree in Vay, Idaho, with Obama's name and the offer of a "free public hanging." In North Carolina, civil rights officials complained of threatening racist graffiti targeting Obama found in a tunnel near the North Carolina State University campus.

And in a Maine convenience store, an Associated Press reporter saw a sign inviting customers to join a betting pool on when Obama might fall victim to an assassin. The sign solicited $1 entries into "The Osama Obama Shotgun Pool," saying the money would go to the person picking the date closest to when Obama was attacked. "Let's hope we have a winner," said the sign, since taken down.

In the security world, anything "new" can trigger hostility, said Joseph Funk, a former Secret Service agent-turned security consultant who oversaw a private protection detail for Obama before the Secret Service began guarding the candidate in early 2007.

Obama, of course, will be the country's first black president, and Funk said that new element, not just race itself, is probably responsible for a spike in anti-Obama postings and activity. "Anytime you're going to have something that's new, you're going to have increased chatter," he said.

The Secret Service also has cautioned the public not to assume that any threats against Obama are due to racism.

The service investigates threats in a wide range. There are "stated threats" and equally dangerous or lesser incidents considered of "unusual interest" — such as people motivated by obsessions or infatuations or lower-level gestures such as effigies of a candidate or an elected president. The service has said it does not have the luxury of discounting anything until agents have investigated the potential danger.

Racially tinged graffiti — not necessarily directed at Obama — also has emerged in numerous reports across the nation since Election Day, prompting at least one news conference by a local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People in Georgia.

A law enforcement official who also spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly said that during the campaign there was a spike in anti-Obama rhetoric on the Internet — "a lot of ranting and raving with no capability, credibility or specificity to it."

There were two threatening cases with racial overtones:

In Denver, a group of men with guns and bulletproof vests made racist threats against Obama and sparked fears of an assassination plot during the Democratic National Convention in August.

Just before the election, two skinheads in Tennessee were charged with plotting to behead blacks across the country and assassinate Obama while wearing white top hats and tuxedos.

In both cases, authorities determined the men were not capable of carrying out their plots.

In Milwaukee, police officials found a poster of Obama with a bullet going toward his head — discovered on a table in a police station.

Chatter among white supremacists on the Internet has increased throughout the campaign and since Election Day.

One of the most popular white supremacist Web sites got more than 2,000 new members the day after the election, compared with 91 new members on Election Day, according to an AP count. The site, stormfront.org, was temporarily off-line Nov. 5 because of the overwhelming amount of activity it received after Election Day. On Saturday, one Stormfront poster, identified as Dalderian Germanicus, of North Las Vegas, said, "I want the SOB laid out in a box to see how 'messiahs' come to rest. God has abandoned us, this country is doomed."

It is not surprising that a black president would galvanize the white supremacist movement, said Mark Potok, director of the Southern Poverty Law Center, who studies the white supremacy movement.

"The overwhelming flavor of the white supremacist world is a mix of desperation, confusion and hoping that this will somehow turn into a good thing for them," Potok said. He said hate groups have been on the rise in the past seven years because of a common concern about immigration.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

There was a big meeting this week between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney. Or as they are calling it, “plugged hair meets plugged arteries.”

I prefer to call them “foot-in-mouth meets shot-in-face.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency.

The National Enquirer says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage . . . yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? These are the same people who said a year ago that John Edwards was having an affair.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Highlights Of The Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting

10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, "You'll never take me alive"

9. It was three hours of Guitar Hero

8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair-plug guy

7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack

6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code — "Help me. Help me. Help me."

5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush's head unstuck from a microwave oven

4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack

3. They agreed the "Late Show Fun Facts" book may just be the thing to bring this country together

2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney's pacemaker got HBO

1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, "I was hoping for the Alaskan broad"

David Letterman

Sarah Palin might make a guest appearance on “Desperate Housewives.” When John McCain heard this, he said, “I’d like to be on ‘Bonanza.’”

Sarah Palin says she wants to be bipartisan; she would like to help Barack Obama. And I thought, Hasn’t she helped him already?

Obama is organizing his Cabinet. This is a high-pressure time for him. Meanwhile, John McCain is at an Applebee’s blowing on his soup.

Barack Obama has named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff and he is bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of his transition team. It looks like Obama is bringing back all of our favorites from the Clinton administration. Except for that heavy-set intern.

Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called “So Long Suckers.”

In Washington, D.C. today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room.

The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s chairman. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job.

American Express is in financial trouble and reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diner’s Club.

Craig Ferguson

People in L.A. have been participating in an earthquake drill. Authorities are saying the drill has been a huge success — apparently people in L.A. are used to things being fake.

Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how good the doctor was.

All I’m saying is, if you get a sex-change operation, hang onto the receipt.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

After the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Today, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and Eliot Spitzer called him a "new kind of Democrat . . . a pioneer.”

There are reports that Barack Obama is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He also wants to close all Cracker Barrel restaurants.

When they move into the White House, Barack Obama will be getting a dog for his daughters. He was very clear on its care. He said, “You’re going to have to feed it; you’re going to have to give it water; and you’re going to have to clean up after it. Do you understand that?” And Joe Biden said “Yeah, yeah.”

The election for senator in Minnesota is taking an odd turn. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people’s cars, and in all kinds of odd places. And everyone is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means Florida.

David Letterman

I am sick of the economy, and now, American Express is asking the government for $3.5 billion. Here’s the weird part: They’ll only have to make monthly payments of $24.

The post office is also affected. They may lay off 4,000 workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail.

Egyptian archeologists have discovered a 4,300-year-old pyramid. Yet another house John McCain forgot about.

Barack Obama may be living in the White House with his mother in law. He may want to rethink closing Guantanamo.

Conan O'Brien

Obama is preparing to move his whole family to Washington. Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington. They’re probably asking every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God d*** America!’?"

Some political analysts say that the ‘80s sitcom “The Cosby Show” helped Obama get elected by portraying a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago, if it weren’t for Flavor Flav.

Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.

Craig Ferguson

The transition continues in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is meeting with Vice President-elect Joe Biden tomorrow. Cheney will give him a tour . . . hand over the keys to the dungeon, that sort of thing.

The country of Peru wants to give Barack Obama a hairless dog for the White House. Didn’t Obama just spend months trying to keep a little bald guy out of the White House?

President Bush said today that he regrets the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. He said if he were to do it over again, the banner would say, “Git ‘er Done.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has brought this country together like never before. They say the red states and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob.

In only 69 days or so, Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be exciting, but weird not having Dick Cheney in charge.

Barack Obama’s mother is planning to move to Washington with the first family; she might even move into the White house with them — which sounds like a sitcom. Joe Biden could play the kooky neighbor that they talk to over the fence.

“Obama’s House” could be the name of it.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons.

Barney, the White House dog, bit a reporter last Friday. And today, Rahm Emanuel bit Barney.

There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”

In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Terrell Owens Advice For Kids

10. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how crazy smooth you look playing the game

9. Get into a line of work that includes cheerleaders

8. Look good

7. Smell good

6. Election Day is just around the corner — be sure to get out and vote

5. On or off the field, play it safe and wear a cup

4. Don't hassle the Hoff

3. Listen to me — do not cry during a press conference

2. There ain't a damn thing to do in Green Bay

1. Show up to practice every day . . . unless you're renegotiating

David Letterman

On Veterans Day, John McCain laid a wreath at the “Tomb of the Unknown Plumber.”

McCain is back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his house.

Sarah Palin was on the “Today” show cooking. Don’t kid yourself — she’s a great chef. She reads all the cookbooks.

Palin is saying it’s the media to blame for Republicans losing the election. Well, yeah — it’s their fault she entered beauty contests instead of a library.

Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Bush is mad that Barack Obama leaked details of Obama’s White House visit. The president said, “What happens in the ‘couch fort,’ stays in the couch fort.”

It was also reported that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto powers.

One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a hairless puppy. The children have already named the puppy James Carville.

Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin did another interview. This time on the “Today” show. She’s been on NBC, Fox News, local news, magazines . . . she’s talking so much they can hear her from Russia.

The economy is terrible. The Sharper Image went bankrupt. Who would have thought that a place that sells useless garbage would go bankrupt!

Linens 'n Things went bankrupt, too. I think I saw that coming, though, because they didn’t care . . . besides linens, they didn’t care what they sold. Linens . . . and things.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Barack Obama and his wife visited the president and Mrs. Bush at the White House. Obama has been very critical of the president; fortunately, the president cannot read, so he didn’t know about it.

Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.

Matt Lauer talked to Sarah Palin on the “Today” show. He got a glimpse of Palin at work in her kitchen. She was cooking a moose. It was Bullwinkle day at the Palin house. For lunch, they had a flying squirrel.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

In the country of Sierra Leone, 6 out of 10 male newborns at Freetown's main hospital were named Barack. Six out of 10. Even more amazing? At least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year were named John Edwards junior.

Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack Obama opened a closet and Bush said, “Don’t open that!” and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out.

Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters’ school the other day. Very positive meeting. The teacher said both girls are already reading at a President Bush’s level.

As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He’s already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Bush/Obama Meeting

10. "You sure you want this job?"

9. "Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me 'Barack-odile Dundee'"

8. "Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun"

7. "I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you"

6. "Honest opinion — would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?"

5. "Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?"

4. "The red phone is for talking to world leaders; the blue phone is for ordering Domino's"

3. "When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 p.m."

2. "Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo, and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?"

1. "When can you start?"

David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, people don’t mind still being in line to vote.

President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. It’s weird having a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife.

Earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president inept.

As soon as Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points.

Conan O'Brien

According to a new report, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. After hearing this, Sarah Palin told her daughter Bristol, “Don’t even think about it.”

Earlier today at the White House, President Bush had a private meeting in the Oval Office with President-elect Barack Obama. Then, afterwards Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.

Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the “scary parts.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a note to Barack Obama congratulating him on winning the presidency. What’s weird is that Ahmadinejad ended the note with the question, “Do you like me? Check ‘yes’, ‘no,’ or ‘maybe.’”

Craig Ferguson

There are some people who want a national holiday in honor of Barack Obama. Isn’t this a little soon? Even Jesus had to do some stuff before he got his own holiday.

A lot of people have been naming their babies Barack. I guess Barack is the new Chad.

It’s not all good news for Barack Obama. His friend Oprah Winfrey is ending her show. I share your pretend concern. I share your “don’t really care,” too.

She’s starting her own TV channel. It’s called “OWN.” I don’t know what it stands for, “Oprah Wants Nachos” or something.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How’s Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? “Don’t Change — Everything’s Fine!”

There have been rumors that if the economy gets any worse, Barack Obama will have to suspend any plans for any tax increases . . . except for Joe the plumber, his are going to go up.

Joe the plumber was on the news again. Isn’t his 15 minutes of lame just about up?

He said, “I didn’t dream I’d become a household name. Now I’m right up there with Ajax.” Except the big difference is, Ajax works.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While Still In Office

10. Finish those little projects he keeps putting off, like fixing the economy

9. Get Cheney a "goodbye" defibrillator

8. Challenge Lincoln's ghost to wrassle

7. Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo

6. Now that he's got nothing to lose, nail a hefty intern

5. Cement his legacy with a two-month vacation

4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel

3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday

2. Get Condi laid

1. Hasn't he done enough already?

David Letterman

Well, finally the lines at the polls are getting shorter.

Here’s what I don’t understand: The election was last Tuesday, yet 6 percent of Americans are still undecided.

Obama won, but they still haven’t broken the news to McCain.

I feel bad for McCain — I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.

Conan O'Brien

Today at his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. In other words, we're totally screwed.

Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. In order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip ’n Slide.

In Kenya, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. The Kenyans are relieved Obama won because in Swahili, “John McCain” means “your goat just ate my daughter."

Oprah Winfrey says she would not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.

Craig Ferguson

Terrible week on Wall Street. This is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes.

The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House. They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch.

Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Unfortunately, the beard that comes with it is kind of a turn off.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Barack Obama has already elected his chief of staff; he’s said to be close to naming a secretary of the Treasury; a secretary of state; and a new position: secretary of kicking out George Bush.

Obama held his first news conference today, as president-elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense.

Obviously there are going to be a number of changes made with the new administration. But I don’ think they should stop there — I would like to see a change in music. Specifically the song “Hail to the Chief.” Last Week, Obama made a reference to the show “Sanford & Son.” I think a combination of the theme song and “Hail to the Chief” would be great.

Markets Tumble Again With Obama Blues

NEW YORK — Wall Street plunged for a second day, triggered by computer gear maker Cisco Systems warning of slumping demand and retailers reporting weak sales for October. Concerns about widespread economic weakness sent the major stock indexes down more than 4 percent Thursday, including the Dow Jones industrial average, which tumbled more than 440 points.

The two-day plunge totals about 10 percent for the major indexes. Paper losses during that time in U.S. stocks came to $1.2 trillion, according to the Dow Jones Wilshire 5000 Composite Index, which represents nearly all stocks traded in America.

Comments from Cisco that it saw a steep drop in orders in October and reports from retailers that consumers are skipping trips to the mall provided fresh evidence of the economy's struggles. While sales at Wal-Mart Stores Inc. benefited from bargain-seekers, some specialty retailers posted huge drops in monthly sales.

Adding to investors' list of worries, the Labor Department said the number of people continuing to draw unemployment benefits jumped to a 25-year high, increasing by 122,000 to 3.84 million in late October. It marked the highest level since late February 1983, when the economy was being buffeted by a protracted recession.

While new claims for unemployment benefits dipped by 4,000 to a seasonally adjusted level of 481,000 last week, the levels remain elevated. The findings added to the market's unease ahead of Friday's October employment report, a widely watched barometer of the economy's health.

"I think everybody kind of simultaneously — the consumers and businesses — is tightening belts so that's triggering a reasonably precipitous slowdown that's widespread," said Ed Hyland, global investment specialist at J.P. Morgan's Private Bank. "This is something that we haven't really seen, this level of this rapid and significant pullback both in the market and the economy."

Thursday's rout follows a drop of more than 5 percent in the market Wednesday that saw the Dow plunge nearly 500 points as investors fretted that weak readings on employment and downcast profit forecasts and job cuts from financial companies to steelmakers signaled broad economic troubles.

Still, the market's two-day slide follows an enormous run-up since last week so some pullback was expected, analysts said. Through the six sessions that ended Tuesday, the benchmark Standard & Poor's 500 index surged 18.3 percent.

Richard Campagna, chief investment officer at Provident Investment Counsel in Pasadena, Calif., contends the market's pullback isn't surprising given the size of the recent run-up. He said the weak economic readings shouldn't come as a surprise either, given a freeze in credit markets that has disrupted lending and other economic activity since September.

Campagna said the light volume and overall fear among investors is exacerbating the market's volatility.

"Some people are pushing this market around more than they should be out of fear," he said. Many everyday investors are sitting on the sidelines, he said. "Everyone has been shellshocked with the moves in the market."

According to preliminary calculations, the Dow fell 443.48, or 4.85 percent, to 8,695.79 after falling as much as 502 in the final five minutes of trading. The blue chips remain 186 points above 8,451.19, their Oct. 10 closing low from the market's yearlong decline.

Broader stock indicators also posted sharp losses. The Standard & Poor's 500 index fell 47.89, or 5.03 percent, to 904.88, and the Nasdaq composite index fell 72.94, or 4.34 percent, to 1,608.70.

Over the past two days, the Dow is down 9.7 percent, the S&P 500 index is off 10 percent and the Nasdaq is down 9.6 percent.

The Russell 2000 index of smaller companies fell 18.80, or 3.65 percent, to 495.84 on Thursday, bringing its two-day decline to 9.2 percent.

Declining issues outnumbered advancers by about 5 to 1 on the New York Stock Exchange, where volume came to 1.53 billion shares. Analysts noted that the volume of the week's declines has been light, indicating that investors aren't rushing to sell positions.

The dollar traded mixed against most other major currencies, while gold prices fell.

Light, sweet crude fell $4.53 to settle at $60.77 a barrel on the New York Mercantile Exchange as fears of a slowing economy led to predictions demand will fall.

The latest round of economic worries largely overshadowed interest rate cuts by central banks in Europe as stocks there tumbled after the moves. The Bank of England slashed its key interest rate by a bold 1.5 percentage points Thursday; the Swiss Central Bank cut its own key rate by a surprising half-point; and the European Central Bank lowered its key rate by a half-point.

Britain's FTSE 100 fell 5.70 percent, Germany's DAX index fell 6.84 percent, and France's CAC-40 fell 6.38 percent. In Asian trading, Japan's Nikkei index closed down 6.53 percent, and Hong Kong's Hang Seng Index fell 7.08 percent.

Cisco's comments added to investors' nervousness and weighed on the technology-heavy Nasdaq. The world's largest maker of computer networking gear said orders declined sharply last month, suggesting to the market that the weak economy and tight credit markets are taking a larger-than-expected toll on many companies around the world. Cisco fell 45 cents, or 2.6 percent, to $16.94.

A range of industries have been bruised by the economy. Japanese automaker Toyota Motor Corp. reduced its annual earnings forecast Thursday to less than a third of what it was in previous fiscal year. Toyota tumbled $13.28, or 16.5 percent, to $67.09. Other automakers fell ahead of quarterly results due Friday. General Motors Corp. fell 76 cents, or 13.7 percent, to $4.80, while Ford Motor Co. fell 11 cents, or 5.3 percent, to $1.98.

Among retailers, Wal-Mart fell 64 cents to $53.49, while specialty names Limited Stores Inc. fell $1.10, or 9.6 percent, to $10.41 and Ann Taylor Stores Corp. fell $3.09, or 26 percent, to $8.93.

The drop in oil weighed on energy stocks. Exxon Mobil Corp. fell $3.73, or 5.1 percent, to $69.96, while Chevron Corp. fell $4.77, or 6.4 percent, to $70.11.

Some names seen as safer bets in a rough economy saw more moderate selling. Procter & Gamble Co., the maker of Tide detergent and Pampers diapers, fell 46 cents to $63.35. Coca Cola Co. slid 24 cents to $44.49. The pair of stocks showed the smallest percentage declines of the 30 stocks that make up the Dow industrials.

Hyland said the latest economic reports are a reminder that, while the market might be off its Oct. 10 lows following an array of government moves to revive lending and shore up confidence in the markets, the medicine will take some time to work.

"I think that we're in a bottoming process but the market will tend to have three, four, or five bottoms as it goes through the bear market," he said.

Even the election, which had been one area of uncertainty, now presents a new set of questions, he said, even though the market largely had expected an Obama win.

"How does an Obama administration deal with it and what are the implications?"

Hyland said he doesn't attribute much of the selling to hedge funds as many of them have largely already cashed out of some investments to meet shareholder redemptions. Nov. 15 is the cutoff for shareholders to notify fund managers of their intent to cash out investments before year-end. But he said a sudden influx of "sell" orders could always spook hedge funds into dumping more investments.

Bank-to-bank lending rates fell for the 19th straight day, a sign that banks are becoming more willing to lend. The London Interbank Offered Rate, or Libor, for three-month dollar loans dipped to 2.39 percent from 2.51 percent.

The three-month Treasury bill, considered the ultimate safe asset, saw its yield dip further to 0.30 percent from 0.42 percent late Wednesday. In general, a lower yield means higher demand, but it is also affected by the federal funds rate.

The yield on the benchmark 10-year Treasury note fell to 3.70 percent from 3.73 percent late Wednesday.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.

Political analysts are saying Obama’s win was unprecedented — which confused George Bush, who said, “You mean he didn’t win?”

Today, Obama started receiving the daily White house intelligence briefing on things like security, terrorism . . . stuff like that. The same thing President Bush receives, but without all the pictures and color-by-numbers things.

Obama spent his first day as president-elect by assembling his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow, he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin

10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner

9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"

8. She and Gov. Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips

7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2"

6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories"

5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious "Late Show Fun Facts" book available everywhere

4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs

3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's

2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe No. 12 on "Deal Or No Deal"

1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"

David Letterman

Everybody’s excited about the election. Hookers in Times Square are offering the Obama special — $50 and you get change.

A lot of propositions were on the ballot. Here in New York City, Proposition 16 passed. It would require the thing on Donald Trump’s head to be neutered.

Now that the election is over, Barack Obama is busy putting together his presidential Cabinet. John McCain is busy putting together his medicine cabinet.

Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, first lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.”

In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand.

Yesterday, president-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin.

Sources from the McCain campaign say that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. To be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.

Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency.

Today, a reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney.

Now that the election is over, instead of election fever, I’ve got election hangover. To cure it, I’ve started voting on other things. Last night, I voted a hundred times on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The election is over; the votes have been counted; and John McCain is sound asleep in his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

Sarah Palin continues to entertain us. Reporters keep stories off the record when they travel with the candidates or they’ll get thrown off the plane, but once the campaign’s over, they come out. Fox News is reporting that Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, and she didn’t know what countries are in the North American Free Trade Agreement, which are just Canada the U.S. and Mexico . . . sounds a little like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson.

The McCain camp was horrified at the amount she spent on clothes. They say that they told her to buy three suits for the convention and instead, she went out and bought more than $150,000 worth of stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in her mouth, she ruined $1,200 shoes.

McCain aides described it as “the Wasilla hillbillies.”

Obama Fundraising Records Bought an Election

By: Jim Meyers

Barack Obama’s presidential campaign smashed all previous fundraising records, raking in more than an astounding $650 million from some 3 million donors and giving him a huge advantage over rival John McCain.

But questions abound regarding the legality of many of the donations that helped propel him to victory.

And one question is: Did Obama “buy” the election?

Obama’s fundraising haul was more than twice the amount Democrat John Kerry raised in 2004, and more than twice what George Bush and Al Gore combined brought in during the 2000 presidential campaign.

“Nobody could have imagined numbers like this or participation like this,” veteran fundraiser Alan Solomont told Bloomberg.com.

Obama’s fundraising effort was in high gear from the very start, bringing in $24.8 million for the primary during the first three months of 2007, compared to $19.1 million for Democratic rival Hillary Clinton.

By the end of 2007, Obama had raised $102 million. He won the Iowa primary on Jan. 3, 2008, and raised another $36 million that month.

Almost half of Obama’s money came from people donating $200 or less, compared with 34 percent for McCain, Bloomberg reported.

Obama on two occasions promised to work with McCain on an agreement to accept public financing. McCain did accept public financing, limiting his ability to raise private donations, but in June Obama reneged on his vows, enabling him to raise unlimited amounts from donors.

The press by and large did not hold Obama accountable for the broken promises. But McCain sharply criticized him, saying: “Twice he looked the American people in the eye and said he would sit down with me before he abandoned public financing. He didn’t mean a word of it. When it was in his interest to break his promise, he tossed it aside like it didn’t mean a thing.”

Obama’s fundraising “revolutionized the way presidential campaigns are financed and may kill the Watergate-era system of providing public money for the general election,” Bloomberg observed.

Free to raise unlimited funds, Obama’s campaign brought in at least $200 million in September and October, more than doubling the amount available to McCain.

Obama’s huge edge in finances enabled him to devote nearly three times as much as McCain to advertising, with the Democrat spending $21.5 million to McCain’s $7.5 million from Oct. 21 to Oct. 28 as Election Day neared.

On the day before the election, Obama ran 3,410 ads in seven competitive states, while McCain ran only 1,900.

Obama also far outspent McCain on staff salaries, helping him to open field offices and fund a get-out-the-vote effort.

But an investigation by Newsmax correspondent Kenneth R. Timmerman has uncovered numerous examples of questionable donations, including those originating from foreign sources in apparent violation of laws forbidding candidates from accepting foreign money.

On Sept. 29, Timmerman first disclosed that more than half of the $426.9 million Obama had raised at that point came from small donors whose names the Obama campaign would not disclose — making it impossible to verify that donors were not surpassing the $2,300 an individual can contribute to a candidate for the general election.

The Federal Election Commission cited a series of $25 donations from a contributor identified as “Will, Good” from Austin, Tex. A Newsmax analysis of the master file for the Obama campaign discovered 1,000 separate entries for Mr. Good Will, totaling $17,375.

Similarly, a donor identified as “Pro, Doodad” gave $19,500 in 786 separate donations. The donor listed his employer as “Loving” and his profession as “You.” Some of Doodad Pro’s donations were refunded by the campaign, but as of Sept. 20 more than $11,000 had not been returned.

Timmerman disclosed that the FEC compiled a database of potentially questionable overseas donations totaling $33.8 million. The funds came from such places as Abu Dhabi, Beijing, and Ethiopia.

In June, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi gave a speech in which he claimed foreign nationals were contributing to Obama’s campaign.

Timmerman also reported that donors from the Gaza Strip had contributed $33,000 to the Obama campaign through the purchase of Obama T-shirts they had shipped to Gaza.

Timmerman published a new report on Oct. 8, disclosing that an investigation of Obama’s campaign finance reports turned up more than 2,000 cases in which individuals made donations far above the legal limit of $2,300 per election.

For example, in August the campaign filed a report listing a single donation from a Debra Myers in “Rancho Palos Verde, Calif.,” for $28,500, and a $28,500 contribution from a donor identified as Woodrow Myers Jr.

The Obama campaign said it had refunded both donations on Sept. 30, the day after Newsmax published Timmerman’s first report.

Timmerman followed up with a new report on Oct. 19, disclosing that more than 37,000 Obama donations appeared to be conversions of foreign currency, totaling as much as $63 million.

The red flag was the odd amounts donated by a number of suspected foreign donors. One contributor gave $188.67, $1,542.06, $876.09, $388.67, $282.20, $195.66, and $118.15.

“They are obviously converting from local currency to U.S. dollars,” said Ken Boehm, chairman of the National Legal and Policy Center.

On Oct. 21, Timmerman revealed that the Obama campaign had accepted contributions from donors identifying themselves as King Kong, Daffy Duck, and Bart Simpson — without any apparent effort by the campaign to screen them out as suspect donors.

An individual using the name “O.J. Simpson” donated to the campaign on Oct. 14, giving his occupation as “convict.” The campaign sent O.J. a thank-you note.

Other donors with clearly fictitious names include “Dertey Poiiuy,” “Mong Kong,” “Fornari USA,” and “jkbkj Hbkjb.”

Timmerman reported on Oct. 29: “A Newsmax investigation of Obama/Biden campaign contributors, undertaken in conjunction with a private investigative firm headed by a former CIA operations officer, has identified 118 donors who appear to lack U.S. citizenship.

“Some of these ‘red flag’ donors work for foreign governments; others have made public statements declaring that they are citizens of Cameroun, Nigeria, Pakistan, Canada, and other countries.”

Frederick W. Rustmann Jr., the former CIA operations officer, told Newsmax: “Hillary and McCain demanded proof of citizenship of all their donors. Obama did not, so he benefitted by receiving an enormous amount of money from foreign donors who wanted to influence the U.S. election process.”

The conservative Heritage Foundation has taken the first step in what could be an in-depth investigation of Obama’s fundraising efforts, demanding that the FEC audit the Obama campaign.

The foundation issued a release on Tuesday declaring: “No doubt there is great ‘cause’ to be concerned about Obama’s fundraising effort.”

The foundation also pointed to a test by the independent National Journal to determine the veracity of allegations that the Democrat’s online fundraising system literally was designed to facilitate fraud.