Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It looks like Hillary Clinton has accepted Barack Obama’s offer to be secretary of state. She accepted after Obama’s vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton.
Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we’ll almost be even again.
Talking about the economy over the weekend, Barack Obama said, “There are no quick, easy fixes.” To which Amy Winehouse said, “There are in my neighborhood.”
It looks like the government is going to bailout Citigroup, yet they don’t want to bailout the auto companies. Blue-collar guys who make our cars don’t get a bailout, but the white-collar guys on Wall Street do. I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses
10. "I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on five feet behind me"
9. "Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine"
8. "Damn 'gotcha' media got me again!"
7. "My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse"
6. "Those were al-Qaida turkeys"
5. "I thought they were just torturing the little guy"
4. "I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?"
3. "Uh, stomach flu?"
2. "I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America"
1. "Don't blame me! Blame Joe the turkey slaughterer!"
David Letterman
Sarah Palin was at the turkey pardoning in Washington. Right behind her, during the pardoning ceremony, was a big turkey grinding device and turkeys were getting slaughtered. It was gruesome. I honestly haven’t seen a slaughter like that since Nov. 4.
Down in Washington, the big Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. The contract to decorate the tree went to Halliburton for $10 billion.
Political insiders are saying Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. Or is that Bill and Hillary?
Conan O'Brien
Psychologists are saying people are cutting back on gifts this year, and more people will be spending more time with family. Experts say this is what’s known as a lose-lose situation.
GM has announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a GM spokesman said, “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, popular . . . and that’s just not us.”
At a press conference, Barack Obama said that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, “That’s funny — he didn’t mention that during the campaign.”
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama announced his economic team, and President Bush is working closely with him. Obama says the team has many obstacles to overcome — the biggest one being that President Bush is working with them.
Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. That’s a pretty big mouth to fill.
The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad?
Jay Leno
It looks like Hillary Clinton has accepted Barack Obama’s offer to be secretary of state. She accepted after Obama’s vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton.
Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we’ll almost be even again.
Talking about the economy over the weekend, Barack Obama said, “There are no quick, easy fixes.” To which Amy Winehouse said, “There are in my neighborhood.”
It looks like the government is going to bailout Citigroup, yet they don’t want to bailout the auto companies. Blue-collar guys who make our cars don’t get a bailout, but the white-collar guys on Wall Street do. I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses
10. "I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on five feet behind me"
9. "Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine"
8. "Damn 'gotcha' media got me again!"
7. "My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse"
6. "Those were al-Qaida turkeys"
5. "I thought they were just torturing the little guy"
4. "I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?"
3. "Uh, stomach flu?"
2. "I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America"
1. "Don't blame me! Blame Joe the turkey slaughterer!"
David Letterman
Sarah Palin was at the turkey pardoning in Washington. Right behind her, during the pardoning ceremony, was a big turkey grinding device and turkeys were getting slaughtered. It was gruesome. I honestly haven’t seen a slaughter like that since Nov. 4.
Down in Washington, the big Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. The contract to decorate the tree went to Halliburton for $10 billion.
Political insiders are saying Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. Or is that Bill and Hillary?
Conan O'Brien
Psychologists are saying people are cutting back on gifts this year, and more people will be spending more time with family. Experts say this is what’s known as a lose-lose situation.
GM has announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a GM spokesman said, “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, popular . . . and that’s just not us.”
At a press conference, Barack Obama said that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, “That’s funny — he didn’t mention that during the campaign.”
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama announced his economic team, and President Bush is working closely with him. Obama says the team has many obstacles to overcome — the biggest one being that President Bush is working with them.
Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. That’s a pretty big mouth to fill.
The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad?
