Thursday, November 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
A new study says that unhappy people watch more TV. I just want to say, helllllooo, Republicans.
Sociologists say that nine months after Election Day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. This is nothing new. In fact, John McCain is a Lincoln baby.
Barack Obama won’t be able to use his BlackBerry or even e-mail once he’s president, due to security issues. He says he still wants a laptop for the Oval Office desk, however. Bush thought he had a laptop — but it was just an Etch A Sketch.
Hillary Clinton may take the job of secretary of state. The secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president. To which Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, that’ll be a first . . .”
David Letterman
It was so cold today, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.
The Big Three automakers are asking the government for bailout money. If it gets any worse, these guys will have to trim their $10 million bonuses.
People magazine has named Hugh Jackman as their “Sexiest Man Alive.” Al Franken is demanding a recount.
It looks like Hillary Clinton will be secretary of state. Not only that, she will receive the home version of the presidency as a parting gift.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, the heads of the GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. When asked what they would do with the money, all three said, “Buy a new BMW.”
Yesterday, Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have someone to play hide ‘n’ seek with.
This week John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for re-election to the Senate. Apparently, McCain’s new campaign slogan is “Now 100% Sarah Palin-Free.”
Today is Larry King's birthday. As a result, we are currently experiencing a worldwide candle shortage.
Craig Ferguson
Convicted felon Ted Stevens was officially declared the loser in the Alaska Senate race. He’s OK with it, though. He says he’s done with politics. He wants to spend quality time making shanks with the grandkids.
The economy’s getting bad. Broadway attendance is down 90 percent. Economists are saying it is a terrible time to be gay.
But when is it a good time to be gay? I guess whenever you are redecorating.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Larry King turns 75 today. It’s the first time since he was in his 20s that he has had more birthdays than ex-wives.
There was a rumor that Hillary Clinton would be chosen by Barack Obama to be secretary of state. Now that might not be the case. Maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job is that today, Bill took down his eHarmony page.
Forbes magazine came out with their list of “Hottest Tots,” the hottest babies in the world. I guess these days there isn’t much going on in the stock market.
Jay Leno
A new study says that unhappy people watch more TV. I just want to say, helllllooo, Republicans.
Sociologists say that nine months after Election Day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. This is nothing new. In fact, John McCain is a Lincoln baby.
Barack Obama won’t be able to use his BlackBerry or even e-mail once he’s president, due to security issues. He says he still wants a laptop for the Oval Office desk, however. Bush thought he had a laptop — but it was just an Etch A Sketch.
Hillary Clinton may take the job of secretary of state. The secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president. To which Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, that’ll be a first . . .”
David Letterman
It was so cold today, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.
The Big Three automakers are asking the government for bailout money. If it gets any worse, these guys will have to trim their $10 million bonuses.
People magazine has named Hugh Jackman as their “Sexiest Man Alive.” Al Franken is demanding a recount.
It looks like Hillary Clinton will be secretary of state. Not only that, she will receive the home version of the presidency as a parting gift.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, the heads of the GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. When asked what they would do with the money, all three said, “Buy a new BMW.”
Yesterday, Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have someone to play hide ‘n’ seek with.
This week John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for re-election to the Senate. Apparently, McCain’s new campaign slogan is “Now 100% Sarah Palin-Free.”
Today is Larry King's birthday. As a result, we are currently experiencing a worldwide candle shortage.
Craig Ferguson
Convicted felon Ted Stevens was officially declared the loser in the Alaska Senate race. He’s OK with it, though. He says he’s done with politics. He wants to spend quality time making shanks with the grandkids.
The economy’s getting bad. Broadway attendance is down 90 percent. Economists are saying it is a terrible time to be gay.
But when is it a good time to be gay? I guess whenever you are redecorating.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Larry King turns 75 today. It’s the first time since he was in his 20s that he has had more birthdays than ex-wives.
There was a rumor that Hillary Clinton would be chosen by Barack Obama to be secretary of state. Now that might not be the case. Maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job is that today, Bill took down his eHarmony page.
Forbes magazine came out with their list of “Hottest Tots,” the hottest babies in the world. I guess these days there isn’t much going on in the stock market.
