Thursday, November 13, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
After the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Today, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and Eliot Spitzer called him a "new kind of Democrat . . . a pioneer.”
There are reports that Barack Obama is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He also wants to close all Cracker Barrel restaurants.
When they move into the White House, Barack Obama will be getting a dog for his daughters. He was very clear on its care. He said, “You’re going to have to feed it; you’re going to have to give it water; and you’re going to have to clean up after it. Do you understand that?” And Joe Biden said “Yeah, yeah.”
The election for senator in Minnesota is taking an odd turn. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people’s cars, and in all kinds of odd places. And everyone is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means Florida.
David Letterman
I am sick of the economy, and now, American Express is asking the government for $3.5 billion. Here’s the weird part: They’ll only have to make monthly payments of $24.
The post office is also affected. They may lay off 4,000 workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail.
Egyptian archeologists have discovered a 4,300-year-old pyramid. Yet another house John McCain forgot about.
Barack Obama may be living in the White House with his mother in law. He may want to rethink closing Guantanamo.
Conan O'Brien
Obama is preparing to move his whole family to Washington. Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington. They’re probably asking every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God d*** America!’?"
Some political analysts say that the ‘80s sitcom “The Cosby Show” helped Obama get elected by portraying a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago, if it weren’t for Flavor Flav.
Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.
Craig Ferguson
The transition continues in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is meeting with Vice President-elect Joe Biden tomorrow. Cheney will give him a tour . . . hand over the keys to the dungeon, that sort of thing.
The country of Peru wants to give Barack Obama a hairless dog for the White House. Didn’t Obama just spend months trying to keep a little bald guy out of the White House?
President Bush said today that he regrets the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. He said if he were to do it over again, the banner would say, “Git ‘er Done.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has brought this country together like never before. They say the red states and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob.
In only 69 days or so, Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be exciting, but weird not having Dick Cheney in charge.
Barack Obama’s mother is planning to move to Washington with the first family; she might even move into the White house with them — which sounds like a sitcom. Joe Biden could play the kooky neighbor that they talk to over the fence.
“Obama’s House” could be the name of it.
Jay Leno
After the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Today, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and Eliot Spitzer called him a "new kind of Democrat . . . a pioneer.”
There are reports that Barack Obama is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He also wants to close all Cracker Barrel restaurants.
When they move into the White House, Barack Obama will be getting a dog for his daughters. He was very clear on its care. He said, “You’re going to have to feed it; you’re going to have to give it water; and you’re going to have to clean up after it. Do you understand that?” And Joe Biden said “Yeah, yeah.”
The election for senator in Minnesota is taking an odd turn. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people’s cars, and in all kinds of odd places. And everyone is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means Florida.
David Letterman
I am sick of the economy, and now, American Express is asking the government for $3.5 billion. Here’s the weird part: They’ll only have to make monthly payments of $24.
The post office is also affected. They may lay off 4,000 workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail.
Egyptian archeologists have discovered a 4,300-year-old pyramid. Yet another house John McCain forgot about.
Barack Obama may be living in the White House with his mother in law. He may want to rethink closing Guantanamo.
Conan O'Brien
Obama is preparing to move his whole family to Washington. Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington. They’re probably asking every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God d*** America!’?"
Some political analysts say that the ‘80s sitcom “The Cosby Show” helped Obama get elected by portraying a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago, if it weren’t for Flavor Flav.
Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.
Craig Ferguson
The transition continues in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is meeting with Vice President-elect Joe Biden tomorrow. Cheney will give him a tour . . . hand over the keys to the dungeon, that sort of thing.
The country of Peru wants to give Barack Obama a hairless dog for the White House. Didn’t Obama just spend months trying to keep a little bald guy out of the White House?
President Bush said today that he regrets the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. He said if he were to do it over again, the banner would say, “Git ‘er Done.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has brought this country together like never before. They say the red states and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob.
In only 69 days or so, Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be exciting, but weird not having Dick Cheney in charge.
Barack Obama’s mother is planning to move to Washington with the first family; she might even move into the White house with them — which sounds like a sitcom. Joe Biden could play the kooky neighbor that they talk to over the fence.
“Obama’s House” could be the name of it.
