Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s reported that Barack Obama’s new attorney general is going to be Eric Holder. Here is what we know about him: His name is Eric Holder.
It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.
Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.
According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” In a related story, John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama'a Meeting With McCain
10. "Oh, just preparing to be president. What have you been up to?"
9. "I know a guy who would be a perfect secretary of plumbing"
8. "What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?"
7. "Let's wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune's on"
6. "Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?"
5. "Actually, it's now the 'Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild' bus"
4. "Uh John, this isn't another debate"
3. "Where's the soup? Someone said there'd be soup!"
2. "I know I'm trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I've got you right where I want you!"
1. "Maybe you'd be president-elect if you hadn't crossed Letterman"
David Letterman
Cold in New York City. So cold, today Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.
Sarah Palin has landed a $7 million book deal. She got it through a guy named Joe the publisher.
When she was asked about writing a book, she said, “You bethcha! As long as I don’t have to read it.”
Wow — $7 million. Maybe now she can buy her own clothing.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday in Chicago, President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.
Yesterday, President Bush awarded a National Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created “Spider-Man.” Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that “felt right.”
Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position secretary of state because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said, “It’s only fair — she denies me positions all the time.”
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to the Alaska senator, and convicted felon, Ted Stevens. Today he turns 85 to life.
Everyone wants to know Barack Obama’s plans for the White house. They already know his economic plan to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year — like General Motors.
Michael Jackson is in trouble again. He is supposed to testify in a lawsuit, but his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. He can only travel in an emergency — like a Jonas Brothers concert.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Raging fires in California. So far, 32,000 acres have burned. It seems ironic that the flamingest state in the Union voted against gay marriage.
It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama’s secretary of state. She went from almost being president to a secretary.
Sounds like somebody needs to watch “Working Girl” — that’s not how it’s supposed to work.
The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her husband. But that’s just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make.
Jay Leno
It’s reported that Barack Obama’s new attorney general is going to be Eric Holder. Here is what we know about him: His name is Eric Holder.
It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.
Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.
According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” In a related story, John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama'a Meeting With McCain
10. "Oh, just preparing to be president. What have you been up to?"
9. "I know a guy who would be a perfect secretary of plumbing"
8. "What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?"
7. "Let's wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune's on"
6. "Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?"
5. "Actually, it's now the 'Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild' bus"
4. "Uh John, this isn't another debate"
3. "Where's the soup? Someone said there'd be soup!"
2. "I know I'm trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I've got you right where I want you!"
1. "Maybe you'd be president-elect if you hadn't crossed Letterman"
David Letterman
Cold in New York City. So cold, today Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.
Sarah Palin has landed a $7 million book deal. She got it through a guy named Joe the publisher.
When she was asked about writing a book, she said, “You bethcha! As long as I don’t have to read it.”
Wow — $7 million. Maybe now she can buy her own clothing.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday in Chicago, President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.
Yesterday, President Bush awarded a National Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created “Spider-Man.” Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that “felt right.”
Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position secretary of state because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said, “It’s only fair — she denies me positions all the time.”
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to the Alaska senator, and convicted felon, Ted Stevens. Today he turns 85 to life.
Everyone wants to know Barack Obama’s plans for the White house. They already know his economic plan to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year — like General Motors.
Michael Jackson is in trouble again. He is supposed to testify in a lawsuit, but his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. He can only travel in an emergency — like a Jonas Brothers concert.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Raging fires in California. So far, 32,000 acres have burned. It seems ironic that the flamingest state in the Union voted against gay marriage.
It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama’s secretary of state. She went from almost being president to a secretary.
Sounds like somebody needs to watch “Working Girl” — that’s not how it’s supposed to work.
The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her husband. But that’s just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make.
