Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In the country of Sierra Leone, 6 out of 10 male newborns at Freetown's main hospital were named Barack. Six out of 10. Even more amazing? At least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year were named John Edwards junior.
Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack Obama opened a closet and Bush said, “Don’t open that!” and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out.
Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters’ school the other day. Very positive meeting. The teacher said both girls are already reading at a President Bush’s level.
As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He’s already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Bush/Obama Meeting
10. "You sure you want this job?"
9. "Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me 'Barack-odile Dundee'"
8. "Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun"
7. "I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you"
6. "Honest opinion — would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?"
5. "Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?"
4. "The red phone is for talking to world leaders; the blue phone is for ordering Domino's"
3. "When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 p.m."
2. "Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo, and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?"
1. "When can you start?"
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, people don’t mind still being in line to vote.
President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. It’s weird having a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife.
Earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president inept.
As soon as Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new report, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. After hearing this, Sarah Palin told her daughter Bristol, “Don’t even think about it.”
Earlier today at the White House, President Bush had a private meeting in the Oval Office with President-elect Barack Obama. Then, afterwards Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.
Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the “scary parts.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a note to Barack Obama congratulating him on winning the presidency. What’s weird is that Ahmadinejad ended the note with the question, “Do you like me? Check ‘yes’, ‘no,’ or ‘maybe.’”
Craig Ferguson
There are some people who want a national holiday in honor of Barack Obama. Isn’t this a little soon? Even Jesus had to do some stuff before he got his own holiday.
A lot of people have been naming their babies Barack. I guess Barack is the new Chad.
It’s not all good news for Barack Obama. His friend Oprah Winfrey is ending her show. I share your pretend concern. I share your “don’t really care,” too.
She’s starting her own TV channel. It’s called “OWN.” I don’t know what it stands for, “Oprah Wants Nachos” or something.
Jay Leno
In the country of Sierra Leone, 6 out of 10 male newborns at Freetown's main hospital were named Barack. Six out of 10. Even more amazing? At least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year were named John Edwards junior.
Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack Obama opened a closet and Bush said, “Don’t open that!” and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out.
Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters’ school the other day. Very positive meeting. The teacher said both girls are already reading at a President Bush’s level.
As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He’s already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Bush/Obama Meeting
10. "You sure you want this job?"
9. "Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me 'Barack-odile Dundee'"
8. "Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun"
7. "I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you"
6. "Honest opinion — would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?"
5. "Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?"
4. "The red phone is for talking to world leaders; the blue phone is for ordering Domino's"
3. "When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 p.m."
2. "Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo, and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?"
1. "When can you start?"
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, people don’t mind still being in line to vote.
President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. It’s weird having a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife.
Earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president inept.
As soon as Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new report, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. After hearing this, Sarah Palin told her daughter Bristol, “Don’t even think about it.”
Earlier today at the White House, President Bush had a private meeting in the Oval Office with President-elect Barack Obama. Then, afterwards Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.
Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the “scary parts.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a note to Barack Obama congratulating him on winning the presidency. What’s weird is that Ahmadinejad ended the note with the question, “Do you like me? Check ‘yes’, ‘no,’ or ‘maybe.’”
Craig Ferguson
There are some people who want a national holiday in honor of Barack Obama. Isn’t this a little soon? Even Jesus had to do some stuff before he got his own holiday.
A lot of people have been naming their babies Barack. I guess Barack is the new Chad.
It’s not all good news for Barack Obama. His friend Oprah Winfrey is ending her show. I share your pretend concern. I share your “don’t really care,” too.
She’s starting her own TV channel. It’s called “OWN.” I don’t know what it stands for, “Oprah Wants Nachos” or something.
