Friday, November 7, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.
Political analysts are saying Obama’s win was unprecedented — which confused George Bush, who said, “You mean he didn’t win?”
Today, Obama started receiving the daily White house intelligence briefing on things like security, terrorism . . . stuff like that. The same thing President Bush receives, but without all the pictures and color-by-numbers things.
Obama spent his first day as president-elect by assembling his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow, he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin
10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner
9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Gov. Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2"
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories"
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious "Late Show Fun Facts" book available everywhere
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs
3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's
2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe No. 12 on "Deal Or No Deal"
1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"
David Letterman
Everybody’s excited about the election. Hookers in Times Square are offering the Obama special — $50 and you get change.
A lot of propositions were on the ballot. Here in New York City, Proposition 16 passed. It would require the thing on Donald Trump’s head to be neutered.
Now that the election is over, Barack Obama is busy putting together his presidential Cabinet. John McCain is busy putting together his medicine cabinet.
Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, first lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.”
In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand.
Yesterday, president-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin.
Sources from the McCain campaign say that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. To be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency.
Today, a reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney.
Now that the election is over, instead of election fever, I’ve got election hangover. To cure it, I’ve started voting on other things. Last night, I voted a hundred times on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The election is over; the votes have been counted; and John McCain is sound asleep in his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.
Sarah Palin continues to entertain us. Reporters keep stories off the record when they travel with the candidates or they’ll get thrown off the plane, but once the campaign’s over, they come out. Fox News is reporting that Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, and she didn’t know what countries are in the North American Free Trade Agreement, which are just Canada the U.S. and Mexico . . . sounds a little like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson.
The McCain camp was horrified at the amount she spent on clothes. They say that they told her to buy three suits for the convention and instead, she went out and bought more than $150,000 worth of stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in her mouth, she ruined $1,200 shoes.
McCain aides described it as “the Wasilla hillbillies.”
Jay Leno
During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.
Political analysts are saying Obama’s win was unprecedented — which confused George Bush, who said, “You mean he didn’t win?”
Today, Obama started receiving the daily White house intelligence briefing on things like security, terrorism . . . stuff like that. The same thing President Bush receives, but without all the pictures and color-by-numbers things.
Obama spent his first day as president-elect by assembling his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow, he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin
10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner
9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Gov. Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2"
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories"
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious "Late Show Fun Facts" book available everywhere
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs
3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's
2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe No. 12 on "Deal Or No Deal"
1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"
David Letterman
Everybody’s excited about the election. Hookers in Times Square are offering the Obama special — $50 and you get change.
A lot of propositions were on the ballot. Here in New York City, Proposition 16 passed. It would require the thing on Donald Trump’s head to be neutered.
Now that the election is over, Barack Obama is busy putting together his presidential Cabinet. John McCain is busy putting together his medicine cabinet.
Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, first lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.”
In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand.
Yesterday, president-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin.
Sources from the McCain campaign say that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. To be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency.
Today, a reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney.
Now that the election is over, instead of election fever, I’ve got election hangover. To cure it, I’ve started voting on other things. Last night, I voted a hundred times on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The election is over; the votes have been counted; and John McCain is sound asleep in his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.
Sarah Palin continues to entertain us. Reporters keep stories off the record when they travel with the candidates or they’ll get thrown off the plane, but once the campaign’s over, they come out. Fox News is reporting that Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, and she didn’t know what countries are in the North American Free Trade Agreement, which are just Canada the U.S. and Mexico . . . sounds a little like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson.
The McCain camp was horrified at the amount she spent on clothes. They say that they told her to buy three suits for the convention and instead, she went out and bought more than $150,000 worth of stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in her mouth, she ruined $1,200 shoes.
McCain aides described it as “the Wasilla hillbillies.”
