Saturday, November 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a White House dog. In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.
President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that is easy to train. Bush told him it took him almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.
According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s, or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. On Fox News, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.
President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t want to say things look bad, but Obama’s new slogan is “Maybe We Can.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Spy Film
10. Keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page
9. He has a license to fish
8. It's set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair
7. Hero's new high-tech gadget: a shampoo that's also a conditioner
6. Sexy new Bond girl has five kids and a loving husband named Todd
5. Villain's plot to destroy the world's financial system is spoiled when the bank beats him to it
4. Main character announces, "The name's Bond — Shecky Bond"
3. It's about a plot to steal the Colonel's fried chicken recipe
2. "Jet pack" looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack
1. He promises to find Osama, yet seven years later, nothing
David Letterman
On this date in 1972, the Dow Jones hit 1,000 for the first time. Unfortunately, the same thing happened today.
And on this date in 2000, Bill Clinton was the first president to visit Vietnam. At least that’s where he told Hillary he was going.
Barack Obama’s family is out looking for a dog for the White House. I hear Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on his short list.
He’s looking for a pet that does not shed . . . that rules out that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
Conan O'Brien
The Republican Party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who is white.
When Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha move into the White House, they are going to have to get used to having a chef cook their meals. The White House chef is furious about it and said, “Great — four more years of making SpaghettiOs and chicken fingers.”
Yesterday in Georgia, John McCain was campaigning for a Republican congressman who is facing a runoff election. You can tell McCain is a little bitter about his defeat because instead of saying “my friends,” he now says “my ungrateful bastards.”
People in the publishing industry are speculating that President Bush will write a book after he leaves office. And by “write,” they mean “draw.”
Craig Ferguson
They say that Barack Obama’s transition is going to cost $12 million. It sounds like a lot, but it’s less than Sarah Palin would have spent on the inaugural gown, the tiara, the cape, the scepter . . . golden trousers for her husband . . .
It’s rumored that they’re going to make a Monopoly movie. It’s official — Hollywood’s out of ideas.
With the way the real estate market is, it could actually be quite scary.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
California is burning again. We have a tradition here. Once every six or eight days we set the place on fire.
While the fires were smoldering, much of the state was participating in an earthquake drill. They pretended there was a 7.8 earthquake. They say it was the biggest pretend earthquake ever to hit the United States.
Five million people participated — only six people died.
Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a Cabinet. The big rumor is he may select Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Finally — a secretary Bill doesn’t want to sleep with.
Jay Leno
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a White House dog. In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.
President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that is easy to train. Bush told him it took him almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.
According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s, or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. On Fox News, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.
President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t want to say things look bad, but Obama’s new slogan is “Maybe We Can.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Spy Film
10. Keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page
9. He has a license to fish
8. It's set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair
7. Hero's new high-tech gadget: a shampoo that's also a conditioner
6. Sexy new Bond girl has five kids and a loving husband named Todd
5. Villain's plot to destroy the world's financial system is spoiled when the bank beats him to it
4. Main character announces, "The name's Bond — Shecky Bond"
3. It's about a plot to steal the Colonel's fried chicken recipe
2. "Jet pack" looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack
1. He promises to find Osama, yet seven years later, nothing
David Letterman
On this date in 1972, the Dow Jones hit 1,000 for the first time. Unfortunately, the same thing happened today.
And on this date in 2000, Bill Clinton was the first president to visit Vietnam. At least that’s where he told Hillary he was going.
Barack Obama’s family is out looking for a dog for the White House. I hear Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on his short list.
He’s looking for a pet that does not shed . . . that rules out that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
Conan O'Brien
The Republican Party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who is white.
When Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha move into the White House, they are going to have to get used to having a chef cook their meals. The White House chef is furious about it and said, “Great — four more years of making SpaghettiOs and chicken fingers.”
Yesterday in Georgia, John McCain was campaigning for a Republican congressman who is facing a runoff election. You can tell McCain is a little bitter about his defeat because instead of saying “my friends,” he now says “my ungrateful bastards.”
People in the publishing industry are speculating that President Bush will write a book after he leaves office. And by “write,” they mean “draw.”
Craig Ferguson
They say that Barack Obama’s transition is going to cost $12 million. It sounds like a lot, but it’s less than Sarah Palin would have spent on the inaugural gown, the tiara, the cape, the scepter . . . golden trousers for her husband . . .
It’s rumored that they’re going to make a Monopoly movie. It’s official — Hollywood’s out of ideas.
With the way the real estate market is, it could actually be quite scary.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
California is burning again. We have a tradition here. Once every six or eight days we set the place on fire.
While the fires were smoldering, much of the state was participating in an earthquake drill. They pretended there was a 7.8 earthquake. They say it was the biggest pretend earthquake ever to hit the United States.
Five million people participated — only six people died.
Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a Cabinet. The big rumor is he may select Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Finally — a secretary Bill doesn’t want to sleep with.
