Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama’s people are trying to lower expectations. Everyone thinks he’s going to be able to fix everything. If they want to lower expectations, they should keep some of those Bush people on.
A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did for the campaign. The organization is called the Democratic Party.
The executives of the Big Three automakers have said that they will now carpool to Washington next year instead of flying in on private jets. To make sure there won’t be any problems, they will drive a Toyota.
The economy is so bad, the White House turkey turned down the pardon. He says he lost all his money in the stock market and has nothing left to live for.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn't Care Anymore
10. Hasn't taken off his Iron Man costume since Halloween
9. The menu for the White House Thanksgiving dinner? Corn dogs and Beefaroni
8. Drew a picture of Garfield on Dick Cheney's bald head
7. He's barely trying to ruin the economy anymore
6. Spent the entire weekend in the Oval Office pardoning himself
5. Saw Osama at Arby's drive-thru but didn't feel like chasing him
4. Spends Cabinet meetings scanning classifieds for next job
3. Primary focus is surpassing Hank Paulson's high score on "Guitar Hero"
2. Asking Obama, "How soon can you bail me out of the White House?"
1. Started dating hefty interns
David Letterman
They have a new balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: the John McCain balloon — it never gets off the ground.
A mailman was arrested for not delivering junk mail. Still no word on bin Laden.
Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, Thank you, Oprah.
During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, “This isn’t about big government or small government. It’s about building a smarter government.” When he heard this, President Bush said, “I get it, I get it. I’m leaving.”
Earlier today, John McCain gave his first press conference since the election, and he said that for a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign. Unfortunately for McCain those people are called Democrats.
A new study has found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety ratings. Apparently Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.
Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin is back on the campaign trail. She’s going to go to the Senate runoff election down in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is, she’s going right down there . . .
Somali pirates have captured another ship. Interestingly, al-Qaida has declared war on the pirates — it’s like evil versus evil. It’s like Dick Cheney versus his lawyer.
The pirates have gone high-tech. They even have MySpace pages. Current mood? “Looking for booty.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I had $350,000 riding on Lance Bass to win “Dancing With the Stars.” Now I have to sell my house. Unless Lance comes up with the money he owes me.
For many voters, dancing wasn’t so important. The undecided factor was the economy.
Barack Obama’s wife Oprah Winfrey has her “Favorite Things” show this week. She’s featuring affordable things this year . . . thumbtacks.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama’s people are trying to lower expectations. Everyone thinks he’s going to be able to fix everything. If they want to lower expectations, they should keep some of those Bush people on.
A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did for the campaign. The organization is called the Democratic Party.
The executives of the Big Three automakers have said that they will now carpool to Washington next year instead of flying in on private jets. To make sure there won’t be any problems, they will drive a Toyota.
The economy is so bad, the White House turkey turned down the pardon. He says he lost all his money in the stock market and has nothing left to live for.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn't Care Anymore
10. Hasn't taken off his Iron Man costume since Halloween
9. The menu for the White House Thanksgiving dinner? Corn dogs and Beefaroni
8. Drew a picture of Garfield on Dick Cheney's bald head
7. He's barely trying to ruin the economy anymore
6. Spent the entire weekend in the Oval Office pardoning himself
5. Saw Osama at Arby's drive-thru but didn't feel like chasing him
4. Spends Cabinet meetings scanning classifieds for next job
3. Primary focus is surpassing Hank Paulson's high score on "Guitar Hero"
2. Asking Obama, "How soon can you bail me out of the White House?"
1. Started dating hefty interns
David Letterman
They have a new balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: the John McCain balloon — it never gets off the ground.
A mailman was arrested for not delivering junk mail. Still no word on bin Laden.
Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, Thank you, Oprah.
During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, “This isn’t about big government or small government. It’s about building a smarter government.” When he heard this, President Bush said, “I get it, I get it. I’m leaving.”
Earlier today, John McCain gave his first press conference since the election, and he said that for a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign. Unfortunately for McCain those people are called Democrats.
A new study has found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety ratings. Apparently Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.
Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin is back on the campaign trail. She’s going to go to the Senate runoff election down in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is, she’s going right down there . . .
Somali pirates have captured another ship. Interestingly, al-Qaida has declared war on the pirates — it’s like evil versus evil. It’s like Dick Cheney versus his lawyer.
The pirates have gone high-tech. They even have MySpace pages. Current mood? “Looking for booty.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I had $350,000 riding on Lance Bass to win “Dancing With the Stars.” Now I have to sell my house. Unless Lance comes up with the money he owes me.
For many voters, dancing wasn’t so important. The undecided factor was the economy.
Barack Obama’s wife Oprah Winfrey has her “Favorite Things” show this week. She’s featuring affordable things this year . . . thumbtacks.
