Saturday, November 8, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How’s Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? “Don’t Change — Everything’s Fine!”
There have been rumors that if the economy gets any worse, Barack Obama will have to suspend any plans for any tax increases . . . except for Joe the plumber, his are going to go up.
Joe the plumber was on the news again. Isn’t his 15 minutes of lame just about up?
He said, “I didn’t dream I’d become a household name. Now I’m right up there with Ajax.” Except the big difference is, Ajax works.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While Still In Office
10. Finish those little projects he keeps putting off, like fixing the economy
9. Get Cheney a "goodbye" defibrillator
8. Challenge Lincoln's ghost to wrassle
7. Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo
6. Now that he's got nothing to lose, nail a hefty intern
5. Cement his legacy with a two-month vacation
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday
2. Get Condi laid
1. Hasn't he done enough already?
David Letterman
Well, finally the lines at the polls are getting shorter.
Here’s what I don’t understand: The election was last Tuesday, yet 6 percent of Americans are still undecided.
Obama won, but they still haven’t broken the news to McCain.
I feel bad for McCain — I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.
Conan O'Brien
Today at his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. In other words, we're totally screwed.
Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. In order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip ’n Slide.
In Kenya, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. The Kenyans are relieved Obama won because in Swahili, “John McCain” means “your goat just ate my daughter."
Oprah Winfrey says she would not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.
Craig Ferguson
Terrible week on Wall Street. This is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes.
The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House. They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch.
Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Unfortunately, the beard that comes with it is kind of a turn off.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama has already elected his chief of staff; he’s said to be close to naming a secretary of the Treasury; a secretary of state; and a new position: secretary of kicking out George Bush.
Obama held his first news conference today, as president-elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense.
Obviously there are going to be a number of changes made with the new administration. But I don’ think they should stop there — I would like to see a change in music. Specifically the song “Hail to the Chief.” Last Week, Obama made a reference to the show “Sanford & Son.” I think a combination of the theme song and “Hail to the Chief” would be great.
Jay Leno
Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How’s Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? “Don’t Change — Everything’s Fine!”
There have been rumors that if the economy gets any worse, Barack Obama will have to suspend any plans for any tax increases . . . except for Joe the plumber, his are going to go up.
Joe the plumber was on the news again. Isn’t his 15 minutes of lame just about up?
He said, “I didn’t dream I’d become a household name. Now I’m right up there with Ajax.” Except the big difference is, Ajax works.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While Still In Office
10. Finish those little projects he keeps putting off, like fixing the economy
9. Get Cheney a "goodbye" defibrillator
8. Challenge Lincoln's ghost to wrassle
7. Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo
6. Now that he's got nothing to lose, nail a hefty intern
5. Cement his legacy with a two-month vacation
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday
2. Get Condi laid
1. Hasn't he done enough already?
David Letterman
Well, finally the lines at the polls are getting shorter.
Here’s what I don’t understand: The election was last Tuesday, yet 6 percent of Americans are still undecided.
Obama won, but they still haven’t broken the news to McCain.
I feel bad for McCain — I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.
Conan O'Brien
Today at his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. In other words, we're totally screwed.
Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. In order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip ’n Slide.
In Kenya, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. The Kenyans are relieved Obama won because in Swahili, “John McCain” means “your goat just ate my daughter."
Oprah Winfrey says she would not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.
Craig Ferguson
Terrible week on Wall Street. This is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes.
The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House. They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch.
Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Unfortunately, the beard that comes with it is kind of a turn off.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama has already elected his chief of staff; he’s said to be close to naming a secretary of the Treasury; a secretary of state; and a new position: secretary of kicking out George Bush.
Obama held his first news conference today, as president-elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense.
Obviously there are going to be a number of changes made with the new administration. But I don’ think they should stop there — I would like to see a change in music. Specifically the song “Hail to the Chief.” Last Week, Obama made a reference to the show “Sanford & Son.” I think a combination of the theme song and “Hail to the Chief” would be great.
