Saturday, November 22, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It doesn’t look as if the automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money to just keep making the same stupid mistakes. And when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it’s talking about.
The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for Homeland Security chief is Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano. Her first job — to find out who leaked her name.
If she gets this job, she will be the first official ever to take over the job overseeing Homeland Security working for a guy who if he wasn’t president, his name would be on the No-Fly List: Barack Hussein Obama.
Yesterday, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey. She was amazed to find out that besides being a bird, turkey is also a country.
David Letterman
The economy is bad. So bad, they’re laying off department store Santa Clauses — more bad news for John McCain.
Barack Obama was busy moving into the White House while John McCain was busy blowing on his soup.
Sarah Palin landed a $7 million book deal. She’s very excited — she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house.
She’s got a great guy working on the deal — Joe the agent.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. According to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said yes.
The auto companies in the United States are scrambling to come up with a plan. This week Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. When asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, “$25 billion dollars.”
This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Unfortunately, no one likes their team’s new nickname: “The Fighting Husseins.”
A new “Star Trek” movie is coming out, and people are talking about it because in this one Captain Kirk has a steamy sex scene with a crewmember. When they heard this, “Star Trek” fans said, "It's amazing what people will be able to do thousands of years in the future.”
Craig Ferguson
The movie “Twilight” came out today. It’s about vampires. It’s already made a gazillion dollars.
It’s based on books meant for teenage girls — which means I’ve read them all.
Vampire movies are everywhere. HBO has that series “True Blood,” and CBS has their show with immortal creatures called “60 Minutes.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
According to statistics, Mexican emigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last four years. You have to hand it to President Bush. He knew the way to stop people from sneaking in was not to build a fence, it was to make this country very undesirable.
Most of the illegal immigrants came here to make money, but now we don’t have any money.
That’s bad news for Los Angeles, though. If this trend continues, we may be forced to start raising our own kids.
Jay Leno
It doesn’t look as if the automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money to just keep making the same stupid mistakes. And when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it’s talking about.
The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for Homeland Security chief is Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano. Her first job — to find out who leaked her name.
If she gets this job, she will be the first official ever to take over the job overseeing Homeland Security working for a guy who if he wasn’t president, his name would be on the No-Fly List: Barack Hussein Obama.
Yesterday, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey. She was amazed to find out that besides being a bird, turkey is also a country.
David Letterman
The economy is bad. So bad, they’re laying off department store Santa Clauses — more bad news for John McCain.
Barack Obama was busy moving into the White House while John McCain was busy blowing on his soup.
Sarah Palin landed a $7 million book deal. She’s very excited — she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house.
She’s got a great guy working on the deal — Joe the agent.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. According to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said yes.
The auto companies in the United States are scrambling to come up with a plan. This week Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. When asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, “$25 billion dollars.”
This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Unfortunately, no one likes their team’s new nickname: “The Fighting Husseins.”
A new “Star Trek” movie is coming out, and people are talking about it because in this one Captain Kirk has a steamy sex scene with a crewmember. When they heard this, “Star Trek” fans said, "It's amazing what people will be able to do thousands of years in the future.”
Craig Ferguson
The movie “Twilight” came out today. It’s about vampires. It’s already made a gazillion dollars.
It’s based on books meant for teenage girls — which means I’ve read them all.
Vampire movies are everywhere. HBO has that series “True Blood,” and CBS has their show with immortal creatures called “60 Minutes.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
According to statistics, Mexican emigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last four years. You have to hand it to President Bush. He knew the way to stop people from sneaking in was not to build a fence, it was to make this country very undesirable.
Most of the illegal immigrants came here to make money, but now we don’t have any money.
That’s bad news for Los Angeles, though. If this trend continues, we may be forced to start raising our own kids.
