Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons.
Barney, the White House dog, bit a reporter last Friday. And today, Rahm Emanuel bit Barney.
There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”
In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Terrell Owens Advice For Kids
10. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how crazy smooth you look playing the game
9. Get into a line of work that includes cheerleaders
8. Look good
7. Smell good
6. Election Day is just around the corner — be sure to get out and vote
5. On or off the field, play it safe and wear a cup
4. Don't hassle the Hoff
3. Listen to me — do not cry during a press conference
2. There ain't a damn thing to do in Green Bay
1. Show up to practice every day . . . unless you're renegotiating
David Letterman
On Veterans Day, John McCain laid a wreath at the “Tomb of the Unknown Plumber.”
McCain is back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his house.
Sarah Palin was on the “Today” show cooking. Don’t kid yourself — she’s a great chef. She reads all the cookbooks.
Palin is saying it’s the media to blame for Republicans losing the election. Well, yeah — it’s their fault she entered beauty contests instead of a library.
Conan O'Brien
It was reported today that President Bush is mad that Barack Obama leaked details of Obama’s White House visit. The president said, “What happens in the ‘couch fort,’ stays in the couch fort.”
It was also reported that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto powers.
One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a hairless puppy. The children have already named the puppy James Carville.
Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin did another interview. This time on the “Today” show. She’s been on NBC, Fox News, local news, magazines . . . she’s talking so much they can hear her from Russia.
The economy is terrible. The Sharper Image went bankrupt. Who would have thought that a place that sells useless garbage would go bankrupt!
Linens 'n Things went bankrupt, too. I think I saw that coming, though, because they didn’t care . . . besides linens, they didn’t care what they sold. Linens . . . and things.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and his wife visited the president and Mrs. Bush at the White House. Obama has been very critical of the president; fortunately, the president cannot read, so he didn’t know about it.
Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.
Matt Lauer talked to Sarah Palin on the “Today” show. He got a glimpse of Palin at work in her kitchen. She was cooking a moose. It was Bullwinkle day at the Palin house. For lunch, they had a flying squirrel.
Jay Leno
President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons.
Barney, the White House dog, bit a reporter last Friday. And today, Rahm Emanuel bit Barney.
There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”
In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Terrell Owens Advice For Kids
10. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how crazy smooth you look playing the game
9. Get into a line of work that includes cheerleaders
8. Look good
7. Smell good
6. Election Day is just around the corner — be sure to get out and vote
5. On or off the field, play it safe and wear a cup
4. Don't hassle the Hoff
3. Listen to me — do not cry during a press conference
2. There ain't a damn thing to do in Green Bay
1. Show up to practice every day . . . unless you're renegotiating
David Letterman
On Veterans Day, John McCain laid a wreath at the “Tomb of the Unknown Plumber.”
McCain is back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his house.
Sarah Palin was on the “Today” show cooking. Don’t kid yourself — she’s a great chef. She reads all the cookbooks.
Palin is saying it’s the media to blame for Republicans losing the election. Well, yeah — it’s their fault she entered beauty contests instead of a library.
Conan O'Brien
It was reported today that President Bush is mad that Barack Obama leaked details of Obama’s White House visit. The president said, “What happens in the ‘couch fort,’ stays in the couch fort.”
It was also reported that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto powers.
One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a hairless puppy. The children have already named the puppy James Carville.
Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin did another interview. This time on the “Today” show. She’s been on NBC, Fox News, local news, magazines . . . she’s talking so much they can hear her from Russia.
The economy is terrible. The Sharper Image went bankrupt. Who would have thought that a place that sells useless garbage would go bankrupt!
Linens 'n Things went bankrupt, too. I think I saw that coming, though, because they didn’t care . . . besides linens, they didn’t care what they sold. Linens . . . and things.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and his wife visited the president and Mrs. Bush at the White House. Obama has been very critical of the president; fortunately, the president cannot read, so he didn’t know about it.
Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.
Matt Lauer talked to Sarah Palin on the “Today” show. He got a glimpse of Palin at work in her kitchen. She was cooking a moose. It was Bullwinkle day at the Palin house. For lunch, they had a flying squirrel.
