Thursday, April 30, 2009
Napolitano Retracts 'Passive Surveillance' Term
WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is asserting that the description she initially gave of the border swine-flu monitoring effort no longer applies.
Appearing Wednesday before a Senate panel, Napolitano said that "passive surveillance" is "not an accurate picture of what is going on" at U.S. entry points. She had used that term Tuesday morning to describe the nature of the monitoring for illness.
On Wednesday, Napolitano said that U.S. officials are "actively" questioning visitors at the border, asking questions about "whether they are ill, their travel history and the like."
She also discounted turning to thermal meters to gauge whether people are carrying a fever, and Napolitano also said she does not believe the facts of the current situation would merit closing the borders
WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is asserting that the description she initially gave of the border swine-flu monitoring effort no longer applies.
Appearing Wednesday before a Senate panel, Napolitano said that "passive surveillance" is "not an accurate picture of what is going on" at U.S. entry points. She had used that term Tuesday morning to describe the nature of the monitoring for illness.
On Wednesday, Napolitano said that U.S. officials are "actively" questioning visitors at the border, asking questions about "whether they are ill, their travel history and the like."
She also discounted turning to thermal meters to gauge whether people are carrying a fever, and Napolitano also said she does not believe the facts of the current situation would merit closing the borders
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
I trying to plan my vacation — I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise and a Mexican pig farm.
Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!”
The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood . . .
Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 — writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
David Letterman
It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks.
New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City.
Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go.
All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show . . . he’s in jail.
What do you get the guy who stole everything?
The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.”
Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference . . . he might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.”
Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out.
We can’t return him now.
He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands?
Jay Leno
I trying to plan my vacation — I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise and a Mexican pig farm.
Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!”
The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood . . .
Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 — writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
David Letterman
It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks.
New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City.
Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go.
All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show . . . he’s in jail.
What do you get the guy who stole everything?
The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.”
Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference . . . he might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.”
Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out.
We can’t return him now.
He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?
To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.
Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house?
Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten White House Excuses
10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure
9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS' "Traffic Eye In The Sky"
8. Huh?
7. Biden had to get to New York for the "Wolverine" premiere
6. If we don't photograph the president's plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president's plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?
5. It's Bush's fault
4. You've been Howie'd!
3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us
2. C'mon, let's just be cool about it . . . everybody stay cool . . . we're cool, right?
1. Swine flu made us crazy
David Letterman
They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico.
Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.
President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.
Craig Ferguson
Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?
He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.”
Scientists have cloned dogs . . . dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing.
To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U.S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years?
They’ve traced the swine flu’s origin to one little piggy who went to the market when he should have stayed home.
Jay Leno
Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?
To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.
Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house?
Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten White House Excuses
10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure
9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS' "Traffic Eye In The Sky"
8. Huh?
7. Biden had to get to New York for the "Wolverine" premiere
6. If we don't photograph the president's plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president's plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?
5. It's Bush's fault
4. You've been Howie'd!
3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us
2. C'mon, let's just be cool about it . . . everybody stay cool . . . we're cool, right?
1. Swine flu made us crazy
David Letterman
They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico.
Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.
President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.
Craig Ferguson
Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?
He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.”
Scientists have cloned dogs . . . dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing.
To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U.S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years?
They’ve traced the swine flu’s origin to one little piggy who went to the market when he should have stayed home.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu . . . Dick Cheney.
They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives.
A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location . . . a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind On Draft Day
10. You don't often hear, "Congratulations, you're going to Detroit"
9. Why am I the only one who came to Radio City Music Hall dressed as a Rockette?
8. If the Lions win one game this year, I'm a hero
7. Anybody dumps Gatorade on me and I'll deck 'em
6. Holy crap, I think I just pulled a hamstring
5. I didn't think anything could top the excitement of Heidi and Spencer getting married
4. Is it me or does NFL Commissioner Goodell look like a young Larry Hagman?
3. Why am I here when I could be at that movie where Beyonce and that babe fight?
2. Why does Jessica Simpson keep calling me?
1. I'd gladly go No. 2 if it means not having to appear on Letterman
David Letterman
What a day . . . 86 and sultry — like Barbara Walters.
GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM.
Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law.
Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage.
Craig Ferguson
Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick.
In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you.
Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? Well . . . OK, but only because we like your hat.
Jimmy Fallon
The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus.
This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.
The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”
Jay Leno
It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu . . . Dick Cheney.
They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives.
A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location . . . a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind On Draft Day
10. You don't often hear, "Congratulations, you're going to Detroit"
9. Why am I the only one who came to Radio City Music Hall dressed as a Rockette?
8. If the Lions win one game this year, I'm a hero
7. Anybody dumps Gatorade on me and I'll deck 'em
6. Holy crap, I think I just pulled a hamstring
5. I didn't think anything could top the excitement of Heidi and Spencer getting married
4. Is it me or does NFL Commissioner Goodell look like a young Larry Hagman?
3. Why am I here when I could be at that movie where Beyonce and that babe fight?
2. Why does Jessica Simpson keep calling me?
1. I'd gladly go No. 2 if it means not having to appear on Letterman
David Letterman
What a day . . . 86 and sultry — like Barbara Walters.
GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM.
Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law.
Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage.
Craig Ferguson
Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick.
In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you.
Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? Well . . . OK, but only because we like your hat.
Jimmy Fallon
The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus.
This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.
The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
David Letterman
Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.
Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since “The View.”
In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.
Craig Ferguson
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — “Alienated vs. Predator.”
The “Soloist” opens today. I don’t know what it’s about, but they stole that title from my sex tape.
It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in favor of a hot new young one.
We should be ashamed. The next time you order a pizza, ask for it without the box.
Yesterday was “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” It used to be “Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids — “Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.”
This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.
Jimmy Fallon
The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.
Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending . He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.
It’s Arbor Day. Trees everywhere will use the day as an excuse to dress like sluts.
David Letterman
Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.
Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since “The View.”
In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.
Craig Ferguson
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — “Alienated vs. Predator.”
The “Soloist” opens today. I don’t know what it’s about, but they stole that title from my sex tape.
It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in favor of a hot new young one.
We should be ashamed. The next time you order a pizza, ask for it without the box.
Yesterday was “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” It used to be “Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids — “Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.”
This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.
Jimmy Fallon
The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.
Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending . He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.
It’s Arbor Day. Trees everywhere will use the day as an excuse to dress like sluts.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
David Letterman
According to a new poll, 2 out of 3 New Yorkers would like to have Eliot Spitzer again as their governor. Well sure — 2 out of 3 New Yorkers are hookers.
The guy got stuff done. He had a reputation for being on top of everything.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, is saying she has her own money. She says she has $62 million in savings. She says it’s not swindle money; it’s not fraud money; it’s money she made from yard sales.
It’s money she says she saved by switching to GEICO.
Craig Ferguson
“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” is returning to prime time. Due to the recession, it’s been renamed “Who Wants Five Bucks and a Taco.”
Michael Jackson’s limo has been in an accident. There was no damage to the limo; however, Michael Jackson’s face suffered $1 million in improvements.
William Shakespeare’s birthday today. He’s 445 years old. Almost as old as Larry King.
Jimmy Fallon
I was watching Larry King interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby. He asked, “Exactly where did sex occur in the Palin’s house?” And then, it was incredible . . . my TV threw up.
I heard that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" will be getting married this weekend. And if you'd like to send a gift, they're registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond Shameless.
Police in North Carolina are looking for a pregnant woman who attempted to rob a bank at gunpoint. FBI sketch artists have just released a sonogram. Be careful everyone she is armed and lactating.
David Letterman
According to a new poll, 2 out of 3 New Yorkers would like to have Eliot Spitzer again as their governor. Well sure — 2 out of 3 New Yorkers are hookers.
The guy got stuff done. He had a reputation for being on top of everything.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, is saying she has her own money. She says she has $62 million in savings. She says it’s not swindle money; it’s not fraud money; it’s money she made from yard sales.
It’s money she says she saved by switching to GEICO.
Craig Ferguson
“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” is returning to prime time. Due to the recession, it’s been renamed “Who Wants Five Bucks and a Taco.”
Michael Jackson’s limo has been in an accident. There was no damage to the limo; however, Michael Jackson’s face suffered $1 million in improvements.
William Shakespeare’s birthday today. He’s 445 years old. Almost as old as Larry King.
Jimmy Fallon
I was watching Larry King interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby. He asked, “Exactly where did sex occur in the Palin’s house?” And then, it was incredible . . . my TV threw up.
I heard that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" will be getting married this weekend. And if you'd like to send a gift, they're registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond Shameless.
Police in North Carolina are looking for a pregnant woman who attempted to rob a bank at gunpoint. FBI sketch artists have just released a sonogram. Be careful everyone she is armed and lactating.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day . . . or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday.
To celebrate Earth Day, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.
Even Dick Cheney got into Earth Day. He said he only uses recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.
All over the world people were doing their part. Somali pirates were only attacking sailboats.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. I’m happy to say that all of our rats here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre are free-range.
They’ve released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding suspects, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.
Eliot Spitzer, the guy who had a thing for prostitutes, is talking about running for governor again in 2010. He said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.
Even Eliot Spitzer is excited about Earth Day — he was on the side of the highway picking up trash today.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A doctor in England claims he has impregnated four women with human clones. I think we should go back to the old-fashioned way of having babies — eight at a time.
This is the 39th Earth Day. Enjoy it now because once you get into your 40s, it’s all downhill.
Today is also Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day, but now it’s all PC. It’s like Thanksgiving used to be called “Just Cook My Dinner,” now it’s called Thanksgiving.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant.
There was a large crowd on hand to greet him, partly to show support, partly to show kids what a black person looks like. It’s a very white state.
A company that makes baseball uniforms issued an apology for making the Washington Nationals uniforms without the “o.” They actually wore them to the game. Oprah’s going to be furious, by the way.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Earth Day. I remember as a kid on Earth Day we would run downstairs in our footed pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us.
We’re doing our part: Half of our staff is planting trees, the other half is smoking them.
General Motors is joining in. GM is helping out the environment by doing everything they can to not sell cars.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day . . . or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday.
To celebrate Earth Day, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.
Even Dick Cheney got into Earth Day. He said he only uses recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.
All over the world people were doing their part. Somali pirates were only attacking sailboats.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. I’m happy to say that all of our rats here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre are free-range.
They’ve released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding suspects, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.
Eliot Spitzer, the guy who had a thing for prostitutes, is talking about running for governor again in 2010. He said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.
Even Eliot Spitzer is excited about Earth Day — he was on the side of the highway picking up trash today.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A doctor in England claims he has impregnated four women with human clones. I think we should go back to the old-fashioned way of having babies — eight at a time.
This is the 39th Earth Day. Enjoy it now because once you get into your 40s, it’s all downhill.
Today is also Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day, but now it’s all PC. It’s like Thanksgiving used to be called “Just Cook My Dinner,” now it’s called Thanksgiving.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant.
There was a large crowd on hand to greet him, partly to show support, partly to show kids what a black person looks like. It’s a very white state.
A company that makes baseball uniforms issued an apology for making the Washington Nationals uniforms without the “o.” They actually wore them to the game. Oprah’s going to be furious, by the way.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Earth Day. I remember as a kid on Earth Day we would run downstairs in our footed pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us.
We’re doing our part: Half of our staff is planting trees, the other half is smoking them.
General Motors is joining in. GM is helping out the environment by doing everything they can to not sell cars.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Homeland Security Warns of Growing Domestic Terror Threat
A Homeland Security analysis being distributed to law enforcement agencies warns of a new era of domestic terrorism spawned by the election of the nation’s first black president, unemployment, rising poverty, a backlash against illegal immigration, and the return of disgruntled veterans from the nation’s war fronts.
The highly charged document, first reported by talk-radio host and World Net Daily columnist Roger Hedgecock, is entitled “Right-wing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment.”
“This is huge,” Brett Winterble, the Roger Hedgecock Show executive producer told Newsmax, as he described Hedgecock’s continuing coverage of the report and all it portends.
A Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman confirmed to both Fox News and The Washington Times that the report is real, and said it is part of a series of analyses of domestic terrorism. An analysis includes left-wing groups, but the department could offer no evidence of a report looking at the violent political left in America.
Perhaps one of the most disconcerting disclosures in the report is its disturbing analysis of the recent historic presidential election.
“Rightwing extremists are harnessing this historical election as a recruitment tool. Many rightwing extremists are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship, the expansion of social programs to minorities, and restrictions on firearms,” the report states.
Although the antagonism toward President Barack Obama’s administration reportedly is mobilizing existing supporters, and broadening the extremists’ scope and appeal through propaganda, they have not yet turned to attack planning, the DHS report authors note on a rare upbeat note.
Most right-wing extremists’ statements have been rhetorical, expressing concerns about the election of the first black president — but stopping short of calls for violent action, the DHS report says.
However, in two instances in the run-up to the election, “extremists appeared to be in the early planning stages of some threatening activity targeting the Democratic nominee, but law enforcement interceded.”
If there is a pervasive theme to the report, it is the economic crisis, which the student analyzes in depth and compares with other landmark moments in history.
The economic and political climate has some similarities to the 1990s, when right-wing extremism experienced a resurgence fueled largely by an economic recession, criticism about the outsourcing of jobs, and the perceived threat to U.S. power and sovereignty by other foreign powers, the authors note.
“During the 1990s, these issues contributed to the growth in the number of domestic rightwing terrorist and extremist groups and an increase in violent acts targeting government facilities, law enforcement officers, banks, and infrastructure sectors.
“Growth of these groups subsided in reaction to increased government scrutiny as a result of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing and disrupted plots, improvements in the economy, and the continued U.S. standing as the preeminent world power,” conclude the DHS experts.
Disgruntled Vets
The report mentions a simmering powder keg in noting a perceived role of U.S. troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan in domestic upheaval.
“The possible passage of new restrictions on firearms and the return of military veterans facing significant challenges reintegrating into their communities could lead to the potential emergence of terrorist groups or lone wolf extremists capable of carrying out violent attacks,” the report concludes.
The report further assesses that right-wing extremists will attempt to recruit and radicalize returning veterans to exploit their skills and knowledge derived from military training and combat:
“These skills and knowledge have the potential to boost the capabilities of extremists — including lone wolves or small terrorist cells — to carry out violence.
“The willingness of a small percentage of military personnel to join extremist groups during the 1990s because they were disgruntled, disillusioned, or suffering from the psychological effects of war is being replicated today,” the experts warn.
After Operation Desert Shield/Storm in 1990-1991, some returning military veterans, including Timothy McVeigh, joined or associated with right-wing extremist groups.
A prominent civil rights organization reported in 2006 that “large numbers of potentially violent neo-Nazis, skinheads, and other white supremacists are now learning the art of warfare in the [U.S.] armed forces.”
What’s more, the FBI noted in a 2008 report on the white supremacist movement that some returning military veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have joined extremist groups.
Illegal Immigration as a Flashpoint
During the past five years, various right-wing extremists, including militias and white supremacists, have adopted the immigration issue as a call to action, rallying point, and recruiting tool, the DHS report says.
“Debates over appropriate immigration levels and enforcement policy generally fall within the realm of protected political speech under the First Amendment, but in some cases, anti-immigration or strident pro-enforcement fervor has been directed against specific groups and has the potential to turn violent,” the report says.
The DHS assessment is that right-wing extremist groups’ frustration over a perceived lack of government action on illegal immigration has the potential to incite individuals or small groups toward violence. If that occurred, it probably would be isolated, small-scale, and directed at specific immigration-related targets.
Furthermore, prominent civil rights organizations have observed an increase in anti-Hispanic crimes during the past five years, the report says.
In April 2007, six militia members were arrested for various weapons and explosives violations. Open source reporting alleged that those arrested had discussed and conducted surveillance for a machine gun attack on Hispanics.
A militia member in Wyoming was arrested in February 2007 after communicating his plans to travel to the Mexican border to kill immigrants crossing into the United States.
Blaming Jews for the Economic Downturn
The right-wing extremist chatter on the Internet continues to focus on the economy, the perceived loss of U.S. jobs in the manufacturing and construction sectors, and home foreclosures, the report says.
Significantly, anti-Semitic extremists attribute these losses to a deliberate conspiracy conducted by a cabal of Jewish “financial elites.” These “accusatory” tactics are employed to draw new recruits into right-wing extremist groups and further radicalize those already subscribing to extremist beliefs, the authors conclude.
The DHS experts warn that this trend is likely to accelerate if the economy is perceived to worsen.
Poverty and Radicalization
While scholars and experts disagree over poverty’s role in motivating violent radicalization or terrorist activity, high unemployment has the potential to lead to alienation — thus increasing an individual’s susceptibility to extremist ideas, say the authors.
There appears to be a strong association between a parent’s unemployment status and the formation of right-wing extremist beliefs in their children — specifically xenophobia and anti-democratic ideals, according to a 2007 study from the German Institute for Economic Research, the report says.
“Rightwing extremists are increasingly galvanized by these concerns and leverage them as drivers for recruitment. From the 2008 election timeframe to the present, rightwing extremists have capitalized on related racial and political prejudices in expanded propaganda campaigns — thereby reaching out to a wider audience of potential sympathizers,” the authors write.
Visions of the ‘End Times’ and Conspiracy Theory
Historically, domestic extremists on the right have feared, predicted, and anticipated a cataclysmic economic collapse in the United States. Prominent antigovernment conspiracy theorists have incorporated aspects of an impending economic collapse to intensify fear and paranoia among like-minded individuals and to attract recruits during economic uncertainty, write the report authors.
“Conspiracy theories involving declarations of martial law, impending civil strife or racial conflict, suspension of the U.S. Constitution, and the creation of citizen detention camps often incorporate aspects of a failed economy.
“Antigovernment conspiracy theories and ‘end times’ prophecies could motivate extremist individuals and groups to stockpile food, ammunition, and weapons.
“These teachings also have been linked with the radicalization of domestic extremist individuals and groups in the past, such as violent Christian Identity organizations and extremist members of the militia movement,” the report says.
Lone Wolves and Small Terrorist Cells
Lone wolves and small terrorist cells embracing violent right-wing extremist ideology are the most dangerous domestic terrorism threat in the United States, the report concludes.
Indeed, information from law enforcement and nongovernmental organizations indicates that lone wolves and small terrorist cells have shown intent — and, in some cases, the capability — to commit violent acts.
DHS has zeroed in on white supremacist lone wolves posing “the most significant domestic terrorist threat because of their low profile and autonomy — separate from any formalized group — which hampers warning efforts.”
Recent state and municipal law enforcement reporting has warned of the dangers of right-wing extremists’ embracing the tactics of “leaderless resistance” and of lone wolves carrying out acts of violence.
Arrests in the past several years of radical militia members in Alabama, Arkansas, and Pennsylvania on firearms, explosives, and other related violations indicates the emergence of small, well-armed extremist groups in some rural areas.
Right-wing extremist views bemoan the decline of U.S. stature and recently have focused on themes such as the loss of U.S. manufacturing capability to China and India, Russia’s control of energy resources and use of these to pressure other countries, and China’s investment in U.S. real estate and corporations as a part of subversion strategy.
Legislative and Judicial Drivers
Many right-wing extremist groups perceive recent gun control legislation as a threat to their right to bear arms and in response have increased weapons and ammunition stockpiling, as well as renewed participation in paramilitary training exercises, according to the report
“Such activity, combined with a heightened level of extremist paranoia, has the potential to facilitate criminal activity and violence,” the report says.
Legislation has been proposed this year requiring mandatory registration of all firearms in the United States. Similar legislation was introduced in 2008 in several states proposing mandatory tagging and registration of ammunition.
“It is unclear if either bill will be passed into law; nonetheless, a correlation may exist between the potential passage of gun control legislation and increased hoarding of ammunition, weapons stockpiling, and paramilitary training activities among rightwing extremists,” conclude the report authors.
Proposed imposition of firearms restrictions and weapons bans probably would attract new members into the ranks of right-wing extremist groups, as well as potentially spur some of them to begin planning and training for violence against the government.
The high volume of purchases and stockpiling of weapons and ammunition by right-wing extremists in anticipation of restrictions and bans in some parts of the country continue to be a primary concern to law enforcement.
Perceived Threat from Rise of Other Countries
Right-wing extremist paranoia of foreign regimes could escalate or be magnified in the event of an economic crisis or military confrontation, harkening back to the conspiracy theories of the 1990s, the report says.
The dissolution of Communist countries in Eastern Europe and the end of the Soviet Union in the 1990s led some right-wing extremists to believe that a “New World Order” would bring about a world government that would usurp the sovereignty of the United States and its Constitution, thus infringing upon their liberty.
“The dynamics in 2009 are somewhat similar, as other countries, including China, India, and Russia, as well as some smaller, oil-producing states, are experiencing a rise in economic power and influence.
“Fear of Communist regimes and related conspiracy theories characterizing the U.S. Government’s role as either complicit in a foreign invasion or acquiescing as part of a ‘One World Government’ plan inspired extremist members of the militia movement to target government and military facilities in past years,” the report says.
The Bottom Line
Threats from white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups during 2009 have been largely rhetorical and have not indicated plans to carry out violent acts, the authors conclude.
Nevertheless, the consequences of a prolonged economic downturn — including real estate foreclosures, unemployment, and an inability to obtain credit — could create a fertile recruiting environment for rightwing extremists and even result in confrontations between such groups and government authorities similar to those in the past.
A Homeland Security analysis being distributed to law enforcement agencies warns of a new era of domestic terrorism spawned by the election of the nation’s first black president, unemployment, rising poverty, a backlash against illegal immigration, and the return of disgruntled veterans from the nation’s war fronts.
The highly charged document, first reported by talk-radio host and World Net Daily columnist Roger Hedgecock, is entitled “Right-wing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment.”
“This is huge,” Brett Winterble, the Roger Hedgecock Show executive producer told Newsmax, as he described Hedgecock’s continuing coverage of the report and all it portends.
A Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman confirmed to both Fox News and The Washington Times that the report is real, and said it is part of a series of analyses of domestic terrorism. An analysis includes left-wing groups, but the department could offer no evidence of a report looking at the violent political left in America.
Perhaps one of the most disconcerting disclosures in the report is its disturbing analysis of the recent historic presidential election.
“Rightwing extremists are harnessing this historical election as a recruitment tool. Many rightwing extremists are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship, the expansion of social programs to minorities, and restrictions on firearms,” the report states.
Although the antagonism toward President Barack Obama’s administration reportedly is mobilizing existing supporters, and broadening the extremists’ scope and appeal through propaganda, they have not yet turned to attack planning, the DHS report authors note on a rare upbeat note.
Most right-wing extremists’ statements have been rhetorical, expressing concerns about the election of the first black president — but stopping short of calls for violent action, the DHS report says.
However, in two instances in the run-up to the election, “extremists appeared to be in the early planning stages of some threatening activity targeting the Democratic nominee, but law enforcement interceded.”
If there is a pervasive theme to the report, it is the economic crisis, which the student analyzes in depth and compares with other landmark moments in history.
The economic and political climate has some similarities to the 1990s, when right-wing extremism experienced a resurgence fueled largely by an economic recession, criticism about the outsourcing of jobs, and the perceived threat to U.S. power and sovereignty by other foreign powers, the authors note.
“During the 1990s, these issues contributed to the growth in the number of domestic rightwing terrorist and extremist groups and an increase in violent acts targeting government facilities, law enforcement officers, banks, and infrastructure sectors.
“Growth of these groups subsided in reaction to increased government scrutiny as a result of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing and disrupted plots, improvements in the economy, and the continued U.S. standing as the preeminent world power,” conclude the DHS experts.
Disgruntled Vets
The report mentions a simmering powder keg in noting a perceived role of U.S. troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan in domestic upheaval.
“The possible passage of new restrictions on firearms and the return of military veterans facing significant challenges reintegrating into their communities could lead to the potential emergence of terrorist groups or lone wolf extremists capable of carrying out violent attacks,” the report concludes.
The report further assesses that right-wing extremists will attempt to recruit and radicalize returning veterans to exploit their skills and knowledge derived from military training and combat:
“These skills and knowledge have the potential to boost the capabilities of extremists — including lone wolves or small terrorist cells — to carry out violence.
“The willingness of a small percentage of military personnel to join extremist groups during the 1990s because they were disgruntled, disillusioned, or suffering from the psychological effects of war is being replicated today,” the experts warn.
After Operation Desert Shield/Storm in 1990-1991, some returning military veterans, including Timothy McVeigh, joined or associated with right-wing extremist groups.
A prominent civil rights organization reported in 2006 that “large numbers of potentially violent neo-Nazis, skinheads, and other white supremacists are now learning the art of warfare in the [U.S.] armed forces.”
What’s more, the FBI noted in a 2008 report on the white supremacist movement that some returning military veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have joined extremist groups.
Illegal Immigration as a Flashpoint
During the past five years, various right-wing extremists, including militias and white supremacists, have adopted the immigration issue as a call to action, rallying point, and recruiting tool, the DHS report says.
“Debates over appropriate immigration levels and enforcement policy generally fall within the realm of protected political speech under the First Amendment, but in some cases, anti-immigration or strident pro-enforcement fervor has been directed against specific groups and has the potential to turn violent,” the report says.
The DHS assessment is that right-wing extremist groups’ frustration over a perceived lack of government action on illegal immigration has the potential to incite individuals or small groups toward violence. If that occurred, it probably would be isolated, small-scale, and directed at specific immigration-related targets.
Furthermore, prominent civil rights organizations have observed an increase in anti-Hispanic crimes during the past five years, the report says.
In April 2007, six militia members were arrested for various weapons and explosives violations. Open source reporting alleged that those arrested had discussed and conducted surveillance for a machine gun attack on Hispanics.
A militia member in Wyoming was arrested in February 2007 after communicating his plans to travel to the Mexican border to kill immigrants crossing into the United States.
Blaming Jews for the Economic Downturn
The right-wing extremist chatter on the Internet continues to focus on the economy, the perceived loss of U.S. jobs in the manufacturing and construction sectors, and home foreclosures, the report says.
Significantly, anti-Semitic extremists attribute these losses to a deliberate conspiracy conducted by a cabal of Jewish “financial elites.” These “accusatory” tactics are employed to draw new recruits into right-wing extremist groups and further radicalize those already subscribing to extremist beliefs, the authors conclude.
The DHS experts warn that this trend is likely to accelerate if the economy is perceived to worsen.
Poverty and Radicalization
While scholars and experts disagree over poverty’s role in motivating violent radicalization or terrorist activity, high unemployment has the potential to lead to alienation — thus increasing an individual’s susceptibility to extremist ideas, say the authors.
There appears to be a strong association between a parent’s unemployment status and the formation of right-wing extremist beliefs in their children — specifically xenophobia and anti-democratic ideals, according to a 2007 study from the German Institute for Economic Research, the report says.
“Rightwing extremists are increasingly galvanized by these concerns and leverage them as drivers for recruitment. From the 2008 election timeframe to the present, rightwing extremists have capitalized on related racial and political prejudices in expanded propaganda campaigns — thereby reaching out to a wider audience of potential sympathizers,” the authors write.
Visions of the ‘End Times’ and Conspiracy Theory
Historically, domestic extremists on the right have feared, predicted, and anticipated a cataclysmic economic collapse in the United States. Prominent antigovernment conspiracy theorists have incorporated aspects of an impending economic collapse to intensify fear and paranoia among like-minded individuals and to attract recruits during economic uncertainty, write the report authors.
“Conspiracy theories involving declarations of martial law, impending civil strife or racial conflict, suspension of the U.S. Constitution, and the creation of citizen detention camps often incorporate aspects of a failed economy.
“Antigovernment conspiracy theories and ‘end times’ prophecies could motivate extremist individuals and groups to stockpile food, ammunition, and weapons.
“These teachings also have been linked with the radicalization of domestic extremist individuals and groups in the past, such as violent Christian Identity organizations and extremist members of the militia movement,” the report says.
Lone Wolves and Small Terrorist Cells
Lone wolves and small terrorist cells embracing violent right-wing extremist ideology are the most dangerous domestic terrorism threat in the United States, the report concludes.
Indeed, information from law enforcement and nongovernmental organizations indicates that lone wolves and small terrorist cells have shown intent — and, in some cases, the capability — to commit violent acts.
DHS has zeroed in on white supremacist lone wolves posing “the most significant domestic terrorist threat because of their low profile and autonomy — separate from any formalized group — which hampers warning efforts.”
Recent state and municipal law enforcement reporting has warned of the dangers of right-wing extremists’ embracing the tactics of “leaderless resistance” and of lone wolves carrying out acts of violence.
Arrests in the past several years of radical militia members in Alabama, Arkansas, and Pennsylvania on firearms, explosives, and other related violations indicates the emergence of small, well-armed extremist groups in some rural areas.
Right-wing extremist views bemoan the decline of U.S. stature and recently have focused on themes such as the loss of U.S. manufacturing capability to China and India, Russia’s control of energy resources and use of these to pressure other countries, and China’s investment in U.S. real estate and corporations as a part of subversion strategy.
Legislative and Judicial Drivers
Many right-wing extremist groups perceive recent gun control legislation as a threat to their right to bear arms and in response have increased weapons and ammunition stockpiling, as well as renewed participation in paramilitary training exercises, according to the report
“Such activity, combined with a heightened level of extremist paranoia, has the potential to facilitate criminal activity and violence,” the report says.
Legislation has been proposed this year requiring mandatory registration of all firearms in the United States. Similar legislation was introduced in 2008 in several states proposing mandatory tagging and registration of ammunition.
“It is unclear if either bill will be passed into law; nonetheless, a correlation may exist between the potential passage of gun control legislation and increased hoarding of ammunition, weapons stockpiling, and paramilitary training activities among rightwing extremists,” conclude the report authors.
Proposed imposition of firearms restrictions and weapons bans probably would attract new members into the ranks of right-wing extremist groups, as well as potentially spur some of them to begin planning and training for violence against the government.
The high volume of purchases and stockpiling of weapons and ammunition by right-wing extremists in anticipation of restrictions and bans in some parts of the country continue to be a primary concern to law enforcement.
Perceived Threat from Rise of Other Countries
Right-wing extremist paranoia of foreign regimes could escalate or be magnified in the event of an economic crisis or military confrontation, harkening back to the conspiracy theories of the 1990s, the report says.
The dissolution of Communist countries in Eastern Europe and the end of the Soviet Union in the 1990s led some right-wing extremists to believe that a “New World Order” would bring about a world government that would usurp the sovereignty of the United States and its Constitution, thus infringing upon their liberty.
“The dynamics in 2009 are somewhat similar, as other countries, including China, India, and Russia, as well as some smaller, oil-producing states, are experiencing a rise in economic power and influence.
“Fear of Communist regimes and related conspiracy theories characterizing the U.S. Government’s role as either complicit in a foreign invasion or acquiescing as part of a ‘One World Government’ plan inspired extremist members of the militia movement to target government and military facilities in past years,” the report says.
The Bottom Line
Threats from white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups during 2009 have been largely rhetorical and have not indicated plans to carry out violent acts, the authors conclude.
Nevertheless, the consequences of a prolonged economic downturn — including real estate foreclosures, unemployment, and an inability to obtain credit — could create a fertile recruiting environment for rightwing extremists and even result in confrontations between such groups and government authorities similar to those in the past.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Last night I had a new drink: the Navy Seals shot. It’s three shots and boom! You’re done.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons — which we call rap stars in this country.
Three pirates were killed at once. Of course, Phil Spector’s attorney said they killed themselves.
After six years, Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. When the first trial started, Phil Spector was actually a celebrity.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Somali Pirate
10. Is piracy a recession-proof industry?
9. How am I at ducking sniper fire?
8. Is there enough swash in my buckle?
7. Before committing, should I temp as a pirate?
7. Before committing
6. Am I doing this just to get babes?
5. Is there an all-inclusive meal plan?
4. Will I get to meet Johnny Depp?
3. Will I get along with Ross Ohlendorf? (Sorry, that's a question to ask yourself before becoming a Pittsburgh Pirate)
2. Is there more opportunity for advancement in al-Qaida?
1. How's the commute from Jersey?
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Mel Gibson’s wife?
You might have heard — Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. She’s blaming it on infidelity; he’s blaming it on the Jews.
We all have to feel good at tax time. This year, your taxes are going straight into the pockets of AIG executives.
I'm worried about the auto industry. At the auto show recently, the cars on the turntables were only getting 8 miles to the gallon.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for General Motors: They had to recall over 1 million cars for safety reasons. The cars were easy to locate . . . they were still in the showrooms.
Car sales are down this year, but marijuana sales are up. So today, General Motors introduced a new car made of pot.
Reports say workers are sucking up to their bosses now that things are bad, and it’s bad for business. I knew this. David Letterman told me. He’s a fantastic guy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama is receiving high marks for the way he handled the pirate situation. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed our new president would have to deal with pirates? What’s next, dragons? Ghosts?
Phil Spector was finally convicted after three trials of second degree murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His story was that this woman stopped by his house to commit a spur-of-the-moment suicide.
You have less than 24 hours to pay your taxes. Look at it as a reverse car loan you're giving to the car industry.
Jimmy Fallon
Today is tax day. If you didn’t know that until Jimmy Fallon told you, you’re screwed.
President Obama gave a speech on the economy, and once again he promised Americans change. Specifically pennies . . . nickels . . . dimes . . .
General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles. Luckily, no one bought any of them.
Jay Leno
Last night I had a new drink: the Navy Seals shot. It’s three shots and boom! You’re done.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons — which we call rap stars in this country.
Three pirates were killed at once. Of course, Phil Spector’s attorney said they killed themselves.
After six years, Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. When the first trial started, Phil Spector was actually a celebrity.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Somali Pirate
10. Is piracy a recession-proof industry?
9. How am I at ducking sniper fire?
8. Is there enough swash in my buckle?
7. Before committing, should I temp as a pirate?
7. Before committing
6. Am I doing this just to get babes?
5. Is there an all-inclusive meal plan?
4. Will I get to meet Johnny Depp?
3. Will I get along with Ross Ohlendorf? (Sorry, that's a question to ask yourself before becoming a Pittsburgh Pirate)
2. Is there more opportunity for advancement in al-Qaida?
1. How's the commute from Jersey?
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Mel Gibson’s wife?
You might have heard — Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. She’s blaming it on infidelity; he’s blaming it on the Jews.
We all have to feel good at tax time. This year, your taxes are going straight into the pockets of AIG executives.
I'm worried about the auto industry. At the auto show recently, the cars on the turntables were only getting 8 miles to the gallon.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for General Motors: They had to recall over 1 million cars for safety reasons. The cars were easy to locate . . . they were still in the showrooms.
Car sales are down this year, but marijuana sales are up. So today, General Motors introduced a new car made of pot.
Reports say workers are sucking up to their bosses now that things are bad, and it’s bad for business. I knew this. David Letterman told me. He’s a fantastic guy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama is receiving high marks for the way he handled the pirate situation. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed our new president would have to deal with pirates? What’s next, dragons? Ghosts?
Phil Spector was finally convicted after three trials of second degree murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His story was that this woman stopped by his house to commit a spur-of-the-moment suicide.
You have less than 24 hours to pay your taxes. Look at it as a reverse car loan you're giving to the car industry.
Jimmy Fallon
Today is tax day. If you didn’t know that until Jimmy Fallon told you, you’re screwed.
President Obama gave a speech on the economy, and once again he promised Americans change. Specifically pennies . . . nickels . . . dimes . . .
General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles. Luckily, no one bought any of them.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Stimulus Repaves Roads – For $25 Million Per Mile
Stimulating the weak economy can be a pretty rough road — especially when it costs $25 million to repave a single mile of highway.
$25 million per mile – that’s the price California’s Department of Transportation is paying to “repave 3 miles of rough pavement on Interstate 710 in Los Angeles,” according to its official description of the project. And U.S. taxpayers are footing the pricey bill.
Residents in other states also might care about the hefty price tag because the state is using money from the $787 billion stimulus bill to pay for it. It’s part of what California calls the State Highway Operation and Protection Program.
The $25 million price tag suggests the road will be paved with expensive good intentions. Caltrans officials say the stretch of 710 is heavily traveled and needs repair.
With the spiraling price of petroleum before the economic downturn, asphalt costs have increased sharply in recent years. The New York Times reported last year that in Westchester, N.J., asphalt had increased from $72 to $90 per ton.
That inflation was cited by officials there to justify repaving 12 miles of Westchester road for a princely sum of $9 million.
Caltrans estimates the material cost of asphalt concrete pavement at only about $66.21 per ton. So why would refurbishing 3 miles of roadway in Los Angeles cost taxpayers $75 million – or $25 million per mile?
Caltrans and government watchdog organizations did not immediately respond Tuesday afternoon to a Newsmax request to answer that question.
Part of the answer may be the extensive work performed during roadway rehabilitation, which goes far beyond repaving the road. Rehabilitation often involves installing new median barriers, reinforcement, and replacing old pavement with a longer-lasting version that cuts down on maintenance.
If it makes you feel better, the I-710 project is just one of 57 California transportation jobs paid for by stimulus cash. California officials are banking on receiving $2.57 billion in highway-related funds from the stimulus bill.
“This is about jobs, jobs, jobs,” says Caltrans Director Will Kempton. “We plan on . . . putting people to work as soon as possible.”
Stimulating the weak economy can be a pretty rough road — especially when it costs $25 million to repave a single mile of highway.
$25 million per mile – that’s the price California’s Department of Transportation is paying to “repave 3 miles of rough pavement on Interstate 710 in Los Angeles,” according to its official description of the project. And U.S. taxpayers are footing the pricey bill.
Residents in other states also might care about the hefty price tag because the state is using money from the $787 billion stimulus bill to pay for it. It’s part of what California calls the State Highway Operation and Protection Program.
The $25 million price tag suggests the road will be paved with expensive good intentions. Caltrans officials say the stretch of 710 is heavily traveled and needs repair.
With the spiraling price of petroleum before the economic downturn, asphalt costs have increased sharply in recent years. The New York Times reported last year that in Westchester, N.J., asphalt had increased from $72 to $90 per ton.
That inflation was cited by officials there to justify repaving 12 miles of Westchester road for a princely sum of $9 million.
Caltrans estimates the material cost of asphalt concrete pavement at only about $66.21 per ton. So why would refurbishing 3 miles of roadway in Los Angeles cost taxpayers $75 million – or $25 million per mile?
Caltrans and government watchdog organizations did not immediately respond Tuesday afternoon to a Newsmax request to answer that question.
Part of the answer may be the extensive work performed during roadway rehabilitation, which goes far beyond repaving the road. Rehabilitation often involves installing new median barriers, reinforcement, and replacing old pavement with a longer-lasting version that cuts down on maintenance.
If it makes you feel better, the I-710 project is just one of 57 California transportation jobs paid for by stimulus cash. California officials are banking on receiving $2.57 billion in highway-related funds from the stimulus bill.
“This is about jobs, jobs, jobs,” says Caltrans Director Will Kempton. “We plan on . . . putting people to work as soon as possible.”
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Navy 3 — pirates 0.
Navy Seals — what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots sitting on the pirates’ shoulders.
Attorney General Eric Holder put it into perspective: He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States in hundreds of years — well, if you don’t count AIG.
Bernard Madoff’s wife is going back to using her maiden name so people won’t hate her. I don’t know if that’s going to work. Her maiden name? Bin Laden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Angel Cabrera's Answering Machine
10. "Dude, it's your brother — I never knew you played golf"
9. "It's Golf Digest. We upgraded you from 'unknown' to 'virtually unknown'"
8. "Hi, this is your neighbor. Some guy who looks exactly like you just won the Masters!"
7. "It's your parents. We didn't know you played golf"
6. "Hi, it's Bernie Madoff. I hear you have some money to invest"
5. "Are you Zorro?"
4. "John Daly here. Let's get drunk and go to Hooters"
3. "Hello, thanks to you, I can say I was there the day some dude I never heard of won the Masters"
2. "Admit it, even you were rooting for Tiger"
1. "Madonna here, guess what else you won"
David Letterman
Fantastic Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. They found 1,500 eggs . . . 92 weapons, and three bodies.
Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out to find bin Laden.
They had the annual Easter Egg Roll in Washington. They almost had to cancel it because no one has any money. At the last minute, the U.S. government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
How about that President Obama? He rounded up those Somali pirates and Madoff all in the same year.
Craig Ferguson
Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. You know times are changing when California’s putting the celebrities in jail.
He got sentenced to 18 years, and his hairdresser got 20.
His wig was found guilty of grand theft poodle.
After 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. He blamed the divorce on irreconcilable differences, commitment issues, and the Jewish people.
Jimmy Fallon
The wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new dog. A Portuguese water dog, named Bo. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier but it was arrested for tax evasion.
Bo arrived just in time — the Obama daughters were getting tired of throwing a Frisbee to Joe Biden.
He does catch it with his mouth, of course.
They almost named it after the other dog in the White House . . . Bill.
Jay Leno
Navy 3 — pirates 0.
Navy Seals — what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots sitting on the pirates’ shoulders.
Attorney General Eric Holder put it into perspective: He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States in hundreds of years — well, if you don’t count AIG.
Bernard Madoff’s wife is going back to using her maiden name so people won’t hate her. I don’t know if that’s going to work. Her maiden name? Bin Laden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Angel Cabrera's Answering Machine
10. "Dude, it's your brother — I never knew you played golf"
9. "It's Golf Digest. We upgraded you from 'unknown' to 'virtually unknown'"
8. "Hi, this is your neighbor. Some guy who looks exactly like you just won the Masters!"
7. "It's your parents. We didn't know you played golf"
6. "Hi, it's Bernie Madoff. I hear you have some money to invest"
5. "Are you Zorro?"
4. "John Daly here. Let's get drunk and go to Hooters"
3. "Hello, thanks to you, I can say I was there the day some dude I never heard of won the Masters"
2. "Admit it, even you were rooting for Tiger"
1. "Madonna here, guess what else you won"
David Letterman
Fantastic Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. They found 1,500 eggs . . . 92 weapons, and three bodies.
Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out to find bin Laden.
They had the annual Easter Egg Roll in Washington. They almost had to cancel it because no one has any money. At the last minute, the U.S. government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
How about that President Obama? He rounded up those Somali pirates and Madoff all in the same year.
Craig Ferguson
Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. You know times are changing when California’s putting the celebrities in jail.
He got sentenced to 18 years, and his hairdresser got 20.
His wig was found guilty of grand theft poodle.
After 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. He blamed the divorce on irreconcilable differences, commitment issues, and the Jewish people.
Jimmy Fallon
The wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new dog. A Portuguese water dog, named Bo. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier but it was arrested for tax evasion.
Bo arrived just in time — the Obama daughters were getting tired of throwing a Frisbee to Joe Biden.
He does catch it with his mouth, of course.
They almost named it after the other dog in the White House . . . Bill.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Rep. Bachus 'Socialist' Comment Stirs Debate
When U.S. Rep. Spencer Bachus, R-Al., told a breakfast gathering in Birmingham, Alabama that in his opinion there are 17 socialists actively serving in the Congress, the top Republican on the Financial Services Committee opened a Pandora’s Box.
Later, when pressed for specifics, Bachus fingered only Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Sanders is a self-described democratic socialist, who appears as an independent on the ballot.
Sanders caucuses with the Democratic Party and is counted as a Democrat for the purposes of committee assignments. He is one of two independent Senators in the 111th Congress, along with Joe Lieberman.
But whatever his official logo, Sen. Sanders doesn’t like to be willy-nilly branded as a “socialist,” according to a report in Politico. “I think at the very least he has to tell people what his definition of socialism is -- and I think, yeah, he should tell us who he was referring to, who’s on the list,” Sanders charged.
“Has Spencer released his list yet? Everybody’s waiting with bated breath,” Sanders added.
Grover Norquist, who heads up Americans for Tax Reform, thinks Bachus’ heart is in the right place but decries that the lawmaker has gotten into the business of keeping lists.
“We shouldn’t get into a labeling thing with the other side,” he said. “We shouldn’t call them socialists -- we should call them stupid because they are spending all this money we don’t have.”
Meanwhile, everyone has been left to ponder over just what calculus Bachus used to come up with the number 17. For sure, Bachus is not telling – Politico reports that the Bachus camp has not responded to numerous requests to name the other 16 lawmakers.
As Politico reports, Hill staffers and advocates on both sides bet Bachus was probably referring to some members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, a left-leaning collection of 77 House members founded by Sanders in the early 1990s.
The group fosters minimizing military aid, universal health care and higher taxes on the wealthy.
Meanwhile, the Nation has been culling statistics from polls to come up with an answer.
That publication suggested this week that a significant socialist presence in the House would indeed reflect the sentiments of the American people.
Citing a new survey by Rasmussen Reports, 20 percent of Americans believe that socialism is a superior system to capitalism. Another 27 percent are not sure whether socialism or capitalism is preferable.
According to Rasmussen, younger Americans are even more inclined toward socialism, with 33 percent of adults under the age of thirty identifying with the philosophy and 30 percent revealing that they are undecided between socialism and capitalism.
If Rasmussen is right on the money, and if the House’s membership is truly a mirror of the ideological sentiments of the American people, “the chamber would not have 17, nor even 71 or 77 socialists,” suggested the Nation.
“There would be at least 90 socialists serving in the House, and probably a good many more,” the analysis by the Nation concluded.
Another less scientific reaction to the Bachus charge reported by Politico came from Doug Thornell, spokesman for Rep. Chris Van Hollen, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.
“House Republicans’ solution to the current economic crisis is to launch head-scratching, ’50s-style accusations against unidentified members of Congress,” Thornell said. “Next thing you know they’ll be going after beatniks and calling for the auto industry to bring back the Edsel.”
When U.S. Rep. Spencer Bachus, R-Al., told a breakfast gathering in Birmingham, Alabama that in his opinion there are 17 socialists actively serving in the Congress, the top Republican on the Financial Services Committee opened a Pandora’s Box.
Later, when pressed for specifics, Bachus fingered only Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Sanders is a self-described democratic socialist, who appears as an independent on the ballot.
Sanders caucuses with the Democratic Party and is counted as a Democrat for the purposes of committee assignments. He is one of two independent Senators in the 111th Congress, along with Joe Lieberman.
But whatever his official logo, Sen. Sanders doesn’t like to be willy-nilly branded as a “socialist,” according to a report in Politico. “I think at the very least he has to tell people what his definition of socialism is -- and I think, yeah, he should tell us who he was referring to, who’s on the list,” Sanders charged.
“Has Spencer released his list yet? Everybody’s waiting with bated breath,” Sanders added.
Grover Norquist, who heads up Americans for Tax Reform, thinks Bachus’ heart is in the right place but decries that the lawmaker has gotten into the business of keeping lists.
“We shouldn’t get into a labeling thing with the other side,” he said. “We shouldn’t call them socialists -- we should call them stupid because they are spending all this money we don’t have.”
Meanwhile, everyone has been left to ponder over just what calculus Bachus used to come up with the number 17. For sure, Bachus is not telling – Politico reports that the Bachus camp has not responded to numerous requests to name the other 16 lawmakers.
As Politico reports, Hill staffers and advocates on both sides bet Bachus was probably referring to some members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, a left-leaning collection of 77 House members founded by Sanders in the early 1990s.
The group fosters minimizing military aid, universal health care and higher taxes on the wealthy.
Meanwhile, the Nation has been culling statistics from polls to come up with an answer.
That publication suggested this week that a significant socialist presence in the House would indeed reflect the sentiments of the American people.
Citing a new survey by Rasmussen Reports, 20 percent of Americans believe that socialism is a superior system to capitalism. Another 27 percent are not sure whether socialism or capitalism is preferable.
According to Rasmussen, younger Americans are even more inclined toward socialism, with 33 percent of adults under the age of thirty identifying with the philosophy and 30 percent revealing that they are undecided between socialism and capitalism.
If Rasmussen is right on the money, and if the House’s membership is truly a mirror of the ideological sentiments of the American people, “the chamber would not have 17, nor even 71 or 77 socialists,” suggested the Nation.
“There would be at least 90 socialists serving in the House, and probably a good many more,” the analysis by the Nation concluded.
Another less scientific reaction to the Bachus charge reported by Politico came from Doug Thornell, spokesman for Rep. Chris Van Hollen, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.
“House Republicans’ solution to the current economic crisis is to launch head-scratching, ’50s-style accusations against unidentified members of Congress,” Thornell said. “Next thing you know they’ll be going after beatniks and calling for the auto industry to bring back the Edsel.”
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Karl Rove Calls Joe Biden 'Exaggerator,' 'Liar'
Republican strategist Karl Rove has called Vice President Joe Biden a “liar” and a “serial exaggerator” for concocting a story about President George W. Bush “out of whole cloth.”
What set Rove off were comments Biden made in an interview with CNN on Tuesday regarding what he claimed was a meeting with President Bush in the Oval Office.
“Well, Joe, he said, I’m a leader. And I said, Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. No one’s following.”
Asked about the comments by Fox News' Megyn Kelly on Thursday, Rove — who was a close adviser to Bush — said: “It didn’t happen. I hate to say it, but he’s a serial exaggerator. If I was being unkind, I’d say he’s a liar. But it is a habit he ought to drop.
“You’ll notice every one of these incidents has the same structure. Joe Biden courageously raises the impudent question. The president befuddledly answers, and Joe Biden drives home the dramatic response. And I mean, it just — it’s his imagination. It’s a made-up, fictional world.”
Kelly asked: “So you’re saying he just made this thing up out of whole cloth with no basis in fact?”
Rove responded: “He’s making these things up out of whole cloth.”
Rove also disputed Biden’s claim that he had spent “a lot of hours alone with” Bush.
"Joe Biden was never alone with the president for more than a few moments," Rove said. "There was staff in the room at all times…
"I think there are very few presidents who spend hours with somebody in the Oval Office, particularly a — with all due respect, a blowhard like Joe Biden."
Rove also said: “These are the kinds of things you can get away with if you are a United States senator or a backbencher in the U.S. House of Representatives. You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you’re the vice president of the United States.”
Biden spokesman Jay Carney told Fox News earlier this week: “The vice president stands by his remarks.”
Rove pointed out that Biden dropped out of the 1988 Presidential race because he was found to be plagiarizing a speech by Neil Kinnock, the leader of the British Labour Party, “and recounting an episode in Kinnock’s life as if it were in his own life.”
Biden was also criticized for claiming last July that he had been "shot at" during a trip to Iraq, Fox reported. He later amended that assertion, telling The Hill newspaper: "I was near where a shot landed."
Republican strategist Karl Rove has called Vice President Joe Biden a “liar” and a “serial exaggerator” for concocting a story about President George W. Bush “out of whole cloth.”
What set Rove off were comments Biden made in an interview with CNN on Tuesday regarding what he claimed was a meeting with President Bush in the Oval Office.
“Well, Joe, he said, I’m a leader. And I said, Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. No one’s following.”
Asked about the comments by Fox News' Megyn Kelly on Thursday, Rove — who was a close adviser to Bush — said: “It didn’t happen. I hate to say it, but he’s a serial exaggerator. If I was being unkind, I’d say he’s a liar. But it is a habit he ought to drop.
“You’ll notice every one of these incidents has the same structure. Joe Biden courageously raises the impudent question. The president befuddledly answers, and Joe Biden drives home the dramatic response. And I mean, it just — it’s his imagination. It’s a made-up, fictional world.”
Kelly asked: “So you’re saying he just made this thing up out of whole cloth with no basis in fact?”
Rove responded: “He’s making these things up out of whole cloth.”
Rove also disputed Biden’s claim that he had spent “a lot of hours alone with” Bush.
"Joe Biden was never alone with the president for more than a few moments," Rove said. "There was staff in the room at all times…
"I think there are very few presidents who spend hours with somebody in the Oval Office, particularly a — with all due respect, a blowhard like Joe Biden."
Rove also said: “These are the kinds of things you can get away with if you are a United States senator or a backbencher in the U.S. House of Representatives. You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you’re the vice president of the United States.”
Biden spokesman Jay Carney told Fox News earlier this week: “The vice president stands by his remarks.”
Rove pointed out that Biden dropped out of the 1988 Presidential race because he was found to be plagiarizing a speech by Neil Kinnock, the leader of the British Labour Party, “and recounting an episode in Kinnock’s life as if it were in his own life.”
Biden was also criticized for claiming last July that he had been "shot at" during a trip to Iraq, Fox reported. He later amended that assertion, telling The Hill newspaper: "I was near where a shot landed."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Rush: New York 'Out of Control'
Rush Limbaugh is through with New York, and that's fine with Gov. David Paterson.
The conservative radio host said this week he would stop doing work in New York and sell his Manhattan penthouse because the state is weighing raising income taxes on wealthier residents. He said the state suffers from "out-of-control budgets" and "out-of-control spending."
The Democratic governor's tongue-in-cheek retort Thursday: "If I knew that would be the result, I would've thought about the taxes earlier."
Limbaugh shot back later Thursday, asking whether Paterson would be as happy when other wealthy New Yorkers decide not to do business in the state.
Limbaugh lives in Palm Beach, Fla. He works in New York about 15 days a year.
New York lawmakers are voting on a budget that would boost high-earners' tax rates, starting with single filers making $200,000 to $500,000 annually.
Rush Limbaugh is through with New York, and that's fine with Gov. David Paterson.
The conservative radio host said this week he would stop doing work in New York and sell his Manhattan penthouse because the state is weighing raising income taxes on wealthier residents. He said the state suffers from "out-of-control budgets" and "out-of-control spending."
The Democratic governor's tongue-in-cheek retort Thursday: "If I knew that would be the result, I would've thought about the taxes earlier."
Limbaugh shot back later Thursday, asking whether Paterson would be as happy when other wealthy New Yorkers decide not to do business in the state.
Limbaugh lives in Palm Beach, Fla. He works in New York about 15 days a year.
New York lawmakers are voting on a budget that would boost high-earners' tax rates, starting with single filers making $200,000 to $500,000 annually.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Rep. Spencer Bachus Says There Are 17 Socialists in the House
Alabama Republican Rep. Spencer Bachus said he believes there are 17 socialists actively serving in the U.S. House of Representatives.
“Some of the men and women I work with in Congress are socialists,” the top Republican on the Financial Services Committee said at a breakfast gathering in Birmingham this week.
Bachus dropped the bombshell before a gathering of municipal and county leaders gathered to hear the Congressman’s views on guns, the federal budget, and creeping socialism.
He also said he has “some hope” for President Barack Obama, according to a report in the Birmingham News.
“He’s a better listener than George W. Bush,” Bachus said. “He tries to get ideas from people.”
However, the lawmaker qualified, he was distressed that Obama may be steered too far by the Congress.
Politico was quick to comment on the Bachus rhetoric, noting that a search of their in-house style book and the official U.S. House listings provided no category for socialists – “just a lot of Ds and Rs next to lawmaker names.”
Asked to clarify his comments after the speech, Bachus repeated to the Birmingham News that there were 17 socialists in the House, but named only U.S. senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont as definitively socialist.
Sanders' spokesman Will Wiquist told the paper that Sanders is an independent who identifies with the Democratic Socialist Party .
"It's a different brand of socialism than the congressman is probably thinking of," Wiquist said.
Wiquist said there are no other socialists in Congress. Bachus did not define socialist but said the members themselves are open about their affiliation.
Alabama Republican Rep. Spencer Bachus said he believes there are 17 socialists actively serving in the U.S. House of Representatives.
“Some of the men and women I work with in Congress are socialists,” the top Republican on the Financial Services Committee said at a breakfast gathering in Birmingham this week.
Bachus dropped the bombshell before a gathering of municipal and county leaders gathered to hear the Congressman’s views on guns, the federal budget, and creeping socialism.
He also said he has “some hope” for President Barack Obama, according to a report in the Birmingham News.
“He’s a better listener than George W. Bush,” Bachus said. “He tries to get ideas from people.”
However, the lawmaker qualified, he was distressed that Obama may be steered too far by the Congress.
Politico was quick to comment on the Bachus rhetoric, noting that a search of their in-house style book and the official U.S. House listings provided no category for socialists – “just a lot of Ds and Rs next to lawmaker names.”
Asked to clarify his comments after the speech, Bachus repeated to the Birmingham News that there were 17 socialists in the House, but named only U.S. senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont as definitively socialist.
Sanders' spokesman Will Wiquist told the paper that Sanders is an independent who identifies with the Democratic Socialist Party .
"It's a different brand of socialism than the congressman is probably thinking of," Wiquist said.
Wiquist said there are no other socialists in Congress. Bachus did not define socialist but said the members themselves are open about their affiliation.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Karl Rove Calls Joe Biden 'Exaggerator,' 'Liar'
Republican strategist Karl Rove has called Vice President Joe Biden a “liar” and a “serial exaggerator” for concocting a story about President George W. Bush “out of whole cloth.”
What set Rove off were comments Biden made in an interview with CNN on Tuesday regarding what he claimed was a meeting with President Bush in the Oval Office.
“Well, Joe, he said, I’m a leader. And I said, Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. No one’s following.”
Asked about the comments by Fox News' Megyn Kelly on Thursday, Rove — who was a close adviser to Bush — said: “It didn’t happen. I hate to say it, but he’s a serial exaggerator. If I was being unkind, I’d say he’s a liar. But it is a habit he ought to drop.
“You’ll notice every one of these incidents has the same structure. Joe Biden courageously raises the impudent question. The president befuddledly answers, and Joe Biden drives home the dramatic response. And I mean, it just — it’s his imagination. It’s a made-up, fictional world.”
Kelly asked: “So you’re saying he just made this thing up out of whole cloth with no basis in fact?”
Rove responded: “He’s making these things up out of whole cloth.”
Rove also disputed Biden’s claim that he had spent “a lot of hours alone with” Bush.
"Joe Biden was never alone with the president for more than a few moments," Rove said. "There was staff in the room at all times…
"I think there are very few presidents who spend hours with somebody in the Oval Office, particularly a — with all due respect, a blowhard like Joe Biden."
Rove also said: “These are the kinds of things you can get away with if you are a United States senator or a backbencher in the U.S. House of Representatives. You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you’re the vice president of the United States.”
Biden spokesman Jay Carney told Fox News earlier this week: “The vice president stands by his remarks.”
Rove pointed out that Biden dropped out of the 1988 Presidential race because he was found to be plagiarizing a speech by Neil Kinnock, the leader of the British Labour Party, “and recounting an episode in Kinnock’s life as if it were in his own life.”
Biden was also criticized for claiming last July that he had been "shot at" during a trip to Iraq, Fox reported. He later amended that assertion, telling The Hill newspaper: "I was near where a shot landed."
Republican strategist Karl Rove has called Vice President Joe Biden a “liar” and a “serial exaggerator” for concocting a story about President George W. Bush “out of whole cloth.”
What set Rove off were comments Biden made in an interview with CNN on Tuesday regarding what he claimed was a meeting with President Bush in the Oval Office.
“Well, Joe, he said, I’m a leader. And I said, Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. No one’s following.”
Asked about the comments by Fox News' Megyn Kelly on Thursday, Rove — who was a close adviser to Bush — said: “It didn’t happen. I hate to say it, but he’s a serial exaggerator. If I was being unkind, I’d say he’s a liar. But it is a habit he ought to drop.
“You’ll notice every one of these incidents has the same structure. Joe Biden courageously raises the impudent question. The president befuddledly answers, and Joe Biden drives home the dramatic response. And I mean, it just — it’s his imagination. It’s a made-up, fictional world.”
Kelly asked: “So you’re saying he just made this thing up out of whole cloth with no basis in fact?”
Rove responded: “He’s making these things up out of whole cloth.”
Rove also disputed Biden’s claim that he had spent “a lot of hours alone with” Bush.
"Joe Biden was never alone with the president for more than a few moments," Rove said. "There was staff in the room at all times…
"I think there are very few presidents who spend hours with somebody in the Oval Office, particularly a — with all due respect, a blowhard like Joe Biden."
Rove also said: “These are the kinds of things you can get away with if you are a United States senator or a backbencher in the U.S. House of Representatives. You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you’re the vice president of the United States.”
Biden spokesman Jay Carney told Fox News earlier this week: “The vice president stands by his remarks.”
Rove pointed out that Biden dropped out of the 1988 Presidential race because he was found to be plagiarizing a speech by Neil Kinnock, the leader of the British Labour Party, “and recounting an episode in Kinnock’s life as if it were in his own life.”
Biden was also criticized for claiming last July that he had been "shot at" during a trip to Iraq, Fox reported. He later amended that assertion, telling The Hill newspaper: "I was near where a shot landed."
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
McCain Backs Obama On End to Nuclear Weapons
TOKYO – US Senator John McCain Friday backed a call by President Barack Obama, his former rival for the White House, for a planet free of nuclear weapons and this should start with North Korea and Iran.
The Republican senator from Arizona was speaking in Japan on the last leg of an Asia tour, after Tokyo was angered by Pyongyang firing a rocket over its territory Sunday.
"Concerning President Obama's commitment to the removal of nuclear weapons from the Earth, I certainly support that ambitious goal," McCain told a Tokyo press conference.
"We have two countries in the world that could destabilise both parts of the world -- the Iranians and the North Koreans. They both are on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them."
McCain reiterated a view held by Washington, Seoul and Tokyo, saying the North Korean launch was "a direct violation of the UN Security Council resolutions and against the norms of decent behaviour as a citizen of the world."
He added that "Iranians risk a destabilisation of the entire Middle East as they continue on their path to acquire nuclear weapons."
While speaking out against regimes holding nuclear weapons, McCain voiced support for peaceful countries using nuclear power to shift away from carbon-based energy sources and to slow down climate change.
He was due to visit a nuclear power plant near Tokyo.
"As the United States increases and accelerates our efforts for energy independence as well as reduction of greenhouse gas emissions, I believe that nuclear power must play a major role," the senator said.
McCain, who serves on the Senate committees on armed services and energy, was travelling with fellow senators Lindsey Graham and Amy Klobuchar on an Asian tour that earlier took him to Hong Kong, Hanoi and Beijing.
TOKYO – US Senator John McCain Friday backed a call by President Barack Obama, his former rival for the White House, for a planet free of nuclear weapons and this should start with North Korea and Iran.
The Republican senator from Arizona was speaking in Japan on the last leg of an Asia tour, after Tokyo was angered by Pyongyang firing a rocket over its territory Sunday.
"Concerning President Obama's commitment to the removal of nuclear weapons from the Earth, I certainly support that ambitious goal," McCain told a Tokyo press conference.
"We have two countries in the world that could destabilise both parts of the world -- the Iranians and the North Koreans. They both are on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them."
McCain reiterated a view held by Washington, Seoul and Tokyo, saying the North Korean launch was "a direct violation of the UN Security Council resolutions and against the norms of decent behaviour as a citizen of the world."
He added that "Iranians risk a destabilisation of the entire Middle East as they continue on their path to acquire nuclear weapons."
While speaking out against regimes holding nuclear weapons, McCain voiced support for peaceful countries using nuclear power to shift away from carbon-based energy sources and to slow down climate change.
He was due to visit a nuclear power plant near Tokyo.
"As the United States increases and accelerates our efforts for energy independence as well as reduction of greenhouse gas emissions, I believe that nuclear power must play a major role," the senator said.
McCain, who serves on the Senate committees on armed services and energy, was travelling with fellow senators Lindsey Graham and Amy Klobuchar on an Asian tour that earlier took him to Hong Kong, Hanoi and Beijing.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Obama Slashing Weapons, Fighter Programs
WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary Robert Gates on Monday recommended halting production of the F-22 fighter jet and scrapping a new helicopter for the president as he outlined deep cuts to many of the military's biggest weapons programs.
Gates said his $534 billion budget proposal represents a "fundamental overhaul" in defense acquisition and reflects a shift in priorities from fighting conventional wars to the newer threats U.S. forces face from insurgents in places such as Afghanistan.
The department must ensure it has the right programs and money to "fight the wars we are in today and the scenarios we are most likely to face in the years to come, while at the same time providing a hedge against other risks," Gates said as he revealed details of his budget for the next fiscal year.
The promised emphasis on budget paring is a reversal from the Bush years, which included a doubling of the Pentagon's spending since 2001. Spending on tanks, fighter planes, ships, missiles and other weapons accounted for about a third of all defense spending last year. But Gates noted more money will be needed in areas such as personnel as the Army and Marines expand the size of their forces.
Gates will likely face stiff resistance in Congress, where lawmakers are wary of losing defense contractor jobs with an economy in crisis. Some defense contractors such as Lockheed Martin Corp. have warned of huge layoffs if programs are cut.
Production of the F-22 fighter jet, which cost $140 million apiece, would be halted at 187. Plans to build a new helicopter for the president and a helicopter to rescue downed pilots would be canceled. A new communications satellite would be scrapped and the program for a new Air Force transport plane would be ended.
Some of the Pentagon's most expensive programs would also be scaled back. The Army's $160 billion Future Combat Systems modernization program would lose its armored vehicles. Plans to build a shield to defend against missile attacks by rogue states would also be scaled back.
Yet some programs would grow. Gates proposed speeding up production of the F-35 fighter jet, which could end up costing $1 trillion to manufacture and maintain 2,443 planes. The military would buy more speedy ships that can operate close in to land. And more money would be spent outfitting special forces troops that can hunt down insurgents.
"It is important to remember that every defense dollar spent to over-ensure against a remote or diminishing risk — or in effect to run up the score in a capability where the United States is already dominant — is a dollar not available to take care of our people, reset the force, win the wars we are in and improve capabilities in areas where we are underinvested and potentially vulnerable," Gates said.
The Government Accountability Office reported last week that 96 of the Pentagon's biggest weapons contracts were over budget by a "staggering" figure of $296 billion.
A bill in Congress would require the Pentagon to do a better job of making sure proposed weapons are affordable and perform the way they should before the military spends big sums on them. The Defense Department has already adjusted its acquisitions policy to achieve some of those goals.
WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary Robert Gates on Monday recommended halting production of the F-22 fighter jet and scrapping a new helicopter for the president as he outlined deep cuts to many of the military's biggest weapons programs.
Gates said his $534 billion budget proposal represents a "fundamental overhaul" in defense acquisition and reflects a shift in priorities from fighting conventional wars to the newer threats U.S. forces face from insurgents in places such as Afghanistan.
The department must ensure it has the right programs and money to "fight the wars we are in today and the scenarios we are most likely to face in the years to come, while at the same time providing a hedge against other risks," Gates said as he revealed details of his budget for the next fiscal year.
The promised emphasis on budget paring is a reversal from the Bush years, which included a doubling of the Pentagon's spending since 2001. Spending on tanks, fighter planes, ships, missiles and other weapons accounted for about a third of all defense spending last year. But Gates noted more money will be needed in areas such as personnel as the Army and Marines expand the size of their forces.
Gates will likely face stiff resistance in Congress, where lawmakers are wary of losing defense contractor jobs with an economy in crisis. Some defense contractors such as Lockheed Martin Corp. have warned of huge layoffs if programs are cut.
Production of the F-22 fighter jet, which cost $140 million apiece, would be halted at 187. Plans to build a new helicopter for the president and a helicopter to rescue downed pilots would be canceled. A new communications satellite would be scrapped and the program for a new Air Force transport plane would be ended.
Some of the Pentagon's most expensive programs would also be scaled back. The Army's $160 billion Future Combat Systems modernization program would lose its armored vehicles. Plans to build a shield to defend against missile attacks by rogue states would also be scaled back.
Yet some programs would grow. Gates proposed speeding up production of the F-35 fighter jet, which could end up costing $1 trillion to manufacture and maintain 2,443 planes. The military would buy more speedy ships that can operate close in to land. And more money would be spent outfitting special forces troops that can hunt down insurgents.
"It is important to remember that every defense dollar spent to over-ensure against a remote or diminishing risk — or in effect to run up the score in a capability where the United States is already dominant — is a dollar not available to take care of our people, reset the force, win the wars we are in and improve capabilities in areas where we are underinvested and potentially vulnerable," Gates said.
The Government Accountability Office reported last week that 96 of the Pentagon's biggest weapons contracts were over budget by a "staggering" figure of $296 billion.
A bill in Congress would require the Pentagon to do a better job of making sure proposed weapons are affordable and perform the way they should before the military spends big sums on them. The Defense Department has already adjusted its acquisitions policy to achieve some of those goals.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Obama Bow to Saudi King Labeled 'Shocking'
In what's been called a "shocking display of fealty to a foreign potentate," President Barack Obama bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia at the Group of 20 summit meeting in London.
"The bow was an extraordinary protocol violation," The Washington Times observed in an editorial on Tuesday.
"Such an act is a traditional obeisance befitting a king's subjects, not his peer. There is no precedent for U.S. presidents bowing to Saudi or any other royals," the editorial said.
Obama offered King Abdullah a deep and prolonged bow from the waist when he met him at the summit, which brought together the leaders of the world’s largest economies on April 2.
The story about Obama’s unusual gesture has gotten scant media coverage in the United States, but a Spanish TV broadcast was picked up on blogs and has created an Internet stir.
"No Americans of any station are required to bow to royalty," the Times stated. "It is one of the pillars of American exceptionalism that our country rejected traditional caste divisions."
The Times editorial also opined that Obama’s bow "to the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques does not help his image with those who believe he is secretly a Muslim, and why he chose to bow only to the Saudi king and not to any other royal remains unexplained."
For instance, Obama did not bow to Queen Elizabeth when he first met her last week in London. Subjects of the crown may bow to the monarch but are not required to do so.
First lady Michelle Obama also broke protocol during the Obamas’ trip abroad when she put her hand on the queen’s back. The move caused a bit of tempest in the British press, but was quelled when the queen put her hand on Michelle in what a Buckingham Palace spokesman described as a "mutual and spontaneous display of affection and appreciation."
In what's been called a "shocking display of fealty to a foreign potentate," President Barack Obama bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia at the Group of 20 summit meeting in London.
"The bow was an extraordinary protocol violation," The Washington Times observed in an editorial on Tuesday.
"Such an act is a traditional obeisance befitting a king's subjects, not his peer. There is no precedent for U.S. presidents bowing to Saudi or any other royals," the editorial said.
Obama offered King Abdullah a deep and prolonged bow from the waist when he met him at the summit, which brought together the leaders of the world’s largest economies on April 2.
The story about Obama’s unusual gesture has gotten scant media coverage in the United States, but a Spanish TV broadcast was picked up on blogs and has created an Internet stir.
"No Americans of any station are required to bow to royalty," the Times stated. "It is one of the pillars of American exceptionalism that our country rejected traditional caste divisions."
The Times editorial also opined that Obama’s bow "to the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques does not help his image with those who believe he is secretly a Muslim, and why he chose to bow only to the Saudi king and not to any other royal remains unexplained."
For instance, Obama did not bow to Queen Elizabeth when he first met her last week in London. Subjects of the crown may bow to the monarch but are not required to do so.
First lady Michelle Obama also broke protocol during the Obamas’ trip abroad when she put her hand on the queen’s back. The move caused a bit of tempest in the British press, but was quelled when the queen put her hand on Michelle in what a Buckingham Palace spokesman described as a "mutual and spontaneous display of affection and appreciation."
Sunday, April 5, 2009
President Bush Saved 1.2 Million African Lives
CHICAGO - A U.S. program launched during the Bush administration has cut AIDS deaths by 10 percent in targeted African nations compared to their neighbors and saved more than a million lives, U.S. researchers said on Monday.
The study tracked AIDS deaths and HIV infections in 12 African countries getting aid under the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, or PEPFAR, during the four years after it was launched in 2003 as a five-year, $15 billion effort.
The program has made a major impact in saving lives but has done little to reduce the number of people infected with the human immunodeficiency virus, or HIV, which causes AIDS, the researchers found.
"It has averted deaths -- a lot of deaths -- with about a 10 percent reduction compared with neighboring African countries," Dr. Eran Bendavid of Stanford University School of Medicine in California, whose study appears in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine, said in a statement.
"However, we could not see a change in prevalence rates that was associated with PEPFAR," Bendavid said.
Bendavid said the 10 percent decline translates to about 1.1 to 1.2 million deaths that have been prevented.
PEPFAR is the largest U.S. foreign aid program devoted to a single disease and has been lauded as a bright spot of former President George W. Bush's tenure. It pays for drug treatment for people infected with HIV as well as other steps such as prevention efforts.
Last July, the U.S. Congress voted to spend $48 billion to expand PEPFAR for five years to treat and prevent AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria in sub-Saharan Africa and elsewhere. About 33 million people are infected with HIV and 2 million die of AIDS each year, according to the World Health Organization.
PALPABLE EFFECT
Bendavid said in a telephone interview his study is one of the first to look at whether PEPFAR has helped change the course of the AIDS epidemic. It offers concrete evidence that foreign aid programs can bring about positive change, he said.
"It is making a palpable and discernible impact," he said.
The researchers gathered data on 12 countries targeted by the program, and compared this to 29 other African nations. They looked at the five years leading up to the start of the program in 2003, and then from 2004 to 2007 after it began.
The African countries receiving PEPFAR aid that were tracked in the study were: Botswana, Ivory Coast, Ethiopia, Kenya, Mozambique, Namibia, Nigeria, Rwanda, South Africa, Tanzania, Uganda and Zambia.
PEPFAR initially provided aid in those 12 African countries and three others elsewhere, and has since been expanded.
The researchers found that in the years leading up the start of the program, death rates rose in all of the countries studied. But as PEPFAR funding became available, the death toll declined by more than 10 percent in the focus countries compared to countries not participating in the program.
PEPFAR spent about $2,450 on treatment for each life saved, the study found. "This is not a trivial cost, and PEPFAR will need to make the available resources go a long way to continue changing the course of the epidemic," Bendavid said.
Bendavid said the program is reducing the death toll from HIV, allowing people to work and support their families and local economies. "There has to be a very strong focus on prevention, especially when the number of people infected is still staggeringly high," Bendavid said.
CHICAGO - A U.S. program launched during the Bush administration has cut AIDS deaths by 10 percent in targeted African nations compared to their neighbors and saved more than a million lives, U.S. researchers said on Monday.
The study tracked AIDS deaths and HIV infections in 12 African countries getting aid under the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, or PEPFAR, during the four years after it was launched in 2003 as a five-year, $15 billion effort.
The program has made a major impact in saving lives but has done little to reduce the number of people infected with the human immunodeficiency virus, or HIV, which causes AIDS, the researchers found.
"It has averted deaths -- a lot of deaths -- with about a 10 percent reduction compared with neighboring African countries," Dr. Eran Bendavid of Stanford University School of Medicine in California, whose study appears in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine, said in a statement.
"However, we could not see a change in prevalence rates that was associated with PEPFAR," Bendavid said.
Bendavid said the 10 percent decline translates to about 1.1 to 1.2 million deaths that have been prevented.
PEPFAR is the largest U.S. foreign aid program devoted to a single disease and has been lauded as a bright spot of former President George W. Bush's tenure. It pays for drug treatment for people infected with HIV as well as other steps such as prevention efforts.
Last July, the U.S. Congress voted to spend $48 billion to expand PEPFAR for five years to treat and prevent AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria in sub-Saharan Africa and elsewhere. About 33 million people are infected with HIV and 2 million die of AIDS each year, according to the World Health Organization.
PALPABLE EFFECT
Bendavid said in a telephone interview his study is one of the first to look at whether PEPFAR has helped change the course of the AIDS epidemic. It offers concrete evidence that foreign aid programs can bring about positive change, he said.
"It is making a palpable and discernible impact," he said.
The researchers gathered data on 12 countries targeted by the program, and compared this to 29 other African nations. They looked at the five years leading up to the start of the program in 2003, and then from 2004 to 2007 after it began.
The African countries receiving PEPFAR aid that were tracked in the study were: Botswana, Ivory Coast, Ethiopia, Kenya, Mozambique, Namibia, Nigeria, Rwanda, South Africa, Tanzania, Uganda and Zambia.
PEPFAR initially provided aid in those 12 African countries and three others elsewhere, and has since been expanded.
The researchers found that in the years leading up the start of the program, death rates rose in all of the countries studied. But as PEPFAR funding became available, the death toll declined by more than 10 percent in the focus countries compared to countries not participating in the program.
PEPFAR spent about $2,450 on treatment for each life saved, the study found. "This is not a trivial cost, and PEPFAR will need to make the available resources go a long way to continue changing the course of the epidemic," Bendavid said.
Bendavid said the program is reducing the death toll from HIV, allowing people to work and support their families and local economies. "There has to be a very strong focus on prevention, especially when the number of people infected is still staggeringly high," Bendavid said.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Obama Adviser Paid Millions by Hedge Fund
Lawrence Summers, President Barack Obama's top economic adviser, earned millions over the past year as managing director of the hedge fund D.E. Shaw Group and through speaking fees, some from financial institutions now at the center of the government's rescue program.
Financial disclosure reports released by the White House show that Summers received $5.2 million from D.E. Shaw. He also reported payments for appearances before institutions such as J.P. Morgan, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and Lehman Brothers.
Overall, Summers was paid $2.7 million for more than 40 appearances before different organizations and companies, including financial institutions.
"Given that Dr. Summers is widely recognized as one of the country's most distinguished economists and formerly served as treasury Secretary, there was considerable interest in hearing his economic insights from companies across various industries," White House spokesman Ben LaBolt said.
Obama has enacted strict rules against hiring lobbyists for administration positions that would have influence over their former clients. A White House official said Summers will not work on issues specifically related to D.E. Shaw for two years. The official noted that Summers was not an adviser or an employee of the firms that paid him to give speeches.
Another top White House aide, senior adviser David Axelrod, disclosed that he sold his share of two campaign and media strategy businesses last year for $3 million. The money will be paid to him in annual installments over the next five years, beginning Dec. 31. Axelrod also reported income of more than $1 million last year from the two companies, David Axelrod & Associates and ASK Public Strategies.
Summers began as managing director at D.E. Shaw Group in October 2006. A company press release at the time said Summers would be involved part time to offer advice on strategic initiatives, provide high-level research and advise the executive committee. His income from the firm included deferred compensation from 2007 and 2008 that he was paid this year.
D.E. Shaw is a global investment and technology development firm with about $36 billion in investment capital.
LaBolt said the administration has worked to tighten accountability over banks and altered conditions for the receipt of government financial bailout funds "so that taxpayers can see how their money is being spent, the influence of lobbyists is curbed, executive compensation is reined in, and firms are required to show how they will preserve or expand lending using government funds."
He said Summers "has been at the forefront of this administrations work to shore up our nations financial system and to put in place a regulatory framework that will strengthen the financial system and its oversight -- all in an effort to help the families across America who have paid a very steep price for risky decisions made by Wall Street executives."
Lawrence Summers, President Barack Obama's top economic adviser, earned millions over the past year as managing director of the hedge fund D.E. Shaw Group and through speaking fees, some from financial institutions now at the center of the government's rescue program.
Financial disclosure reports released by the White House show that Summers received $5.2 million from D.E. Shaw. He also reported payments for appearances before institutions such as J.P. Morgan, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and Lehman Brothers.
Overall, Summers was paid $2.7 million for more than 40 appearances before different organizations and companies, including financial institutions.
"Given that Dr. Summers is widely recognized as one of the country's most distinguished economists and formerly served as treasury Secretary, there was considerable interest in hearing his economic insights from companies across various industries," White House spokesman Ben LaBolt said.
Obama has enacted strict rules against hiring lobbyists for administration positions that would have influence over their former clients. A White House official said Summers will not work on issues specifically related to D.E. Shaw for two years. The official noted that Summers was not an adviser or an employee of the firms that paid him to give speeches.
Another top White House aide, senior adviser David Axelrod, disclosed that he sold his share of two campaign and media strategy businesses last year for $3 million. The money will be paid to him in annual installments over the next five years, beginning Dec. 31. Axelrod also reported income of more than $1 million last year from the two companies, David Axelrod & Associates and ASK Public Strategies.
Summers began as managing director at D.E. Shaw Group in October 2006. A company press release at the time said Summers would be involved part time to offer advice on strategic initiatives, provide high-level research and advise the executive committee. His income from the firm included deferred compensation from 2007 and 2008 that he was paid this year.
D.E. Shaw is a global investment and technology development firm with about $36 billion in investment capital.
LaBolt said the administration has worked to tighten accountability over banks and altered conditions for the receipt of government financial bailout funds "so that taxpayers can see how their money is being spent, the influence of lobbyists is curbed, executive compensation is reined in, and firms are required to show how they will preserve or expand lending using government funds."
He said Summers "has been at the forefront of this administrations work to shore up our nations financial system and to put in place a regulatory framework that will strengthen the financial system and its oversight -- all in an effort to help the families across America who have paid a very steep price for risky decisions made by Wall Street executives."
Friday, April 3, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack and Michelle Obama met the queen of England. For a gift they gave her an iPod. She can use it when she goes jogging.
She says it’s so much nicer than the boom box she’s been carrying around.
It looks like they’re saving the big gift — a Nintendo — for the Pope.
Obama’s like a rock star in England. They’ve never seen anything like him. A 47-year-old man with a full set of teeth in England?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Lame Computer Virus
10. Computer occasionally emits the odor of steamed clams
9. Signs onto ebay as you; places several modest bids on Burt Reynolds memorabilia
8. Only music you can download is Kenny Loggins
7. Tech support guy says give your computer rest and plenty of fluids
6. Computer e-mails your friends catty comments about the size of your ass
5. MapQuest directions always lead you to a Cinnabon in Yonkers
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon, you get Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon
3. When you hit the F7 key, your pants fall down
2. Only Web site you can access is for "The Slanket," the blanket with sleeves
1. Replaces hilarious Top Ten jokes with entries that aren't funny
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. The feds are after everything — today they towed away his wife, Ruth.
Here’s good news for Bernie Madoff — only 149 years, 50 weeks to go.
Here’s how bad the economy is lately: They’re watering down the holy water at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
The Obamas are visiting Buckingham Palace. Michelle Obama was involved in a bit of a scandal when she met the queen. She gave her a little rub on her back. I guess you’re not supposed to rub queens. Not even Prince Philip gets to that.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a brouhaha over in England. Michelle Obama touched the queen. It’s thrown Buckingham Palace into a tizzy. There’s a brouhaha and a tizzy.
The queen’s like a stripper — you can look, but you can’t touch.
Unless you take her to the champagne room.
Jimmy Fallon
It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth. He and Michelle went to Buckingham Palace. It was very nice. And he gave the queen an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack — not all queens like show tunes.
After being on the air for 72 years, CBS is canceling the soap opera “Guiding Light.” It started back on radio. Fans of the show shouldn’t worry, though. Soap operas don’t die, they go into a coma — and come back as another actress.
Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It’ll be part of a new exhibit called, “Why Kids Hate Museums.”
The new X-Men movie “Wolverine” is coming out this summer. The FBI is investigating how an HD version was leaked online. And as soon as the FBI solves it, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden.
Jay Leno
Barack and Michelle Obama met the queen of England. For a gift they gave her an iPod. She can use it when she goes jogging.
She says it’s so much nicer than the boom box she’s been carrying around.
It looks like they’re saving the big gift — a Nintendo — for the Pope.
Obama’s like a rock star in England. They’ve never seen anything like him. A 47-year-old man with a full set of teeth in England?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Lame Computer Virus
10. Computer occasionally emits the odor of steamed clams
9. Signs onto ebay as you; places several modest bids on Burt Reynolds memorabilia
8. Only music you can download is Kenny Loggins
7. Tech support guy says give your computer rest and plenty of fluids
6. Computer e-mails your friends catty comments about the size of your ass
5. MapQuest directions always lead you to a Cinnabon in Yonkers
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon, you get Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon
3. When you hit the F7 key, your pants fall down
2. Only Web site you can access is for "The Slanket," the blanket with sleeves
1. Replaces hilarious Top Ten jokes with entries that aren't funny
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. The feds are after everything — today they towed away his wife, Ruth.
Here’s good news for Bernie Madoff — only 149 years, 50 weeks to go.
Here’s how bad the economy is lately: They’re watering down the holy water at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
The Obamas are visiting Buckingham Palace. Michelle Obama was involved in a bit of a scandal when she met the queen. She gave her a little rub on her back. I guess you’re not supposed to rub queens. Not even Prince Philip gets to that.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a brouhaha over in England. Michelle Obama touched the queen. It’s thrown Buckingham Palace into a tizzy. There’s a brouhaha and a tizzy.
The queen’s like a stripper — you can look, but you can’t touch.
Unless you take her to the champagne room.
Jimmy Fallon
It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth. He and Michelle went to Buckingham Palace. It was very nice. And he gave the queen an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack — not all queens like show tunes.
After being on the air for 72 years, CBS is canceling the soap opera “Guiding Light.” It started back on radio. Fans of the show shouldn’t worry, though. Soap operas don’t die, they go into a coma — and come back as another actress.
Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It’ll be part of a new exhibit called, “Why Kids Hate Museums.”
The new X-Men movie “Wolverine” is coming out this summer. The FBI is investigating how an HD version was leaked online. And as soon as the FBI solves it, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Obama is giving GM 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for spending taxpayers’ money. GM should have said to him, “Hey — you first.”
The federal government is saying they will back the warranties of the Chrysler or GM vehicles. Well that’s great news for consumers — combine the efficiency of the federal government with the honesty of car mechanics.
Imagine the government in the car business. Every time you hit OnStar, you’d get Joe Biden.
Obama also said if you buy a new car, you will able to deduct the sales tax from your income tax. Or you can just take a job at the White House and you wouldn’t have to pay taxes at all.
David Letterman
Anybody got any money? I don’t have any money. I don’t have money for underpants.
The only people making money are the people printing “Going Out of Business” signs.
The hookers in Times Square are carrying signs that say, “No Payments for 12 Months.”
Donald Trump, Mr. Bigshot? He’s got tenants living in that thing on his head.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Al Gore, 61 years old today. Today, he ate a cake. Then he remembered it was his birthday.
President Obama is making his first overseas trip. I wonder if he’ll stay at hostels, get a Eurorail Pass . . .
I’m sure his trip will be just like the movie “European Vacation.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The hospital where Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman’s litter was born has fired 15 medical staffers for looking into her private medical records. Say what you want about her, she’s helping the economy. She just created 15 job openings.
It’s tax time again. As usual, I’ll be claiming my Uncle Frank and security guard Guillermo as dependents. I suggest you do the same.
Some people get stressed out at tax time. I don’t. I have a manager, Ernie Madoff, who I leave these matters to.
Jimmy Fallon
A JetBlue baggage handler fell asleep in the luggage compartment and flew all the way from New York to Boston. JetBlue was just thrilled that anything in its luggage compartment made it to its destination.
A man was charged with drunk driving after crashing a vehicle he made out of a barstool and a lawnmower. Friends don’t let friends drive a barstool mounted on a lawnmower.
There’s a new airport screener that allows officials to see under passengers’ clothing. Securities officials say it’s so no passengers board flights with their dignities.
Jay Leno
President Obama is giving GM 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for spending taxpayers’ money. GM should have said to him, “Hey — you first.”
The federal government is saying they will back the warranties of the Chrysler or GM vehicles. Well that’s great news for consumers — combine the efficiency of the federal government with the honesty of car mechanics.
Imagine the government in the car business. Every time you hit OnStar, you’d get Joe Biden.
Obama also said if you buy a new car, you will able to deduct the sales tax from your income tax. Or you can just take a job at the White House and you wouldn’t have to pay taxes at all.
David Letterman
Anybody got any money? I don’t have any money. I don’t have money for underpants.
The only people making money are the people printing “Going Out of Business” signs.
The hookers in Times Square are carrying signs that say, “No Payments for 12 Months.”
Donald Trump, Mr. Bigshot? He’s got tenants living in that thing on his head.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Al Gore, 61 years old today. Today, he ate a cake. Then he remembered it was his birthday.
President Obama is making his first overseas trip. I wonder if he’ll stay at hostels, get a Eurorail Pass . . .
I’m sure his trip will be just like the movie “European Vacation.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The hospital where Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman’s litter was born has fired 15 medical staffers for looking into her private medical records. Say what you want about her, she’s helping the economy. She just created 15 job openings.
It’s tax time again. As usual, I’ll be claiming my Uncle Frank and security guard Guillermo as dependents. I suggest you do the same.
Some people get stressed out at tax time. I don’t. I have a manager, Ernie Madoff, who I leave these matters to.
Jimmy Fallon
A JetBlue baggage handler fell asleep in the luggage compartment and flew all the way from New York to Boston. JetBlue was just thrilled that anything in its luggage compartment made it to its destination.
A man was charged with drunk driving after crashing a vehicle he made out of a barstool and a lawnmower. Friends don’t let friends drive a barstool mounted on a lawnmower.
There’s a new airport screener that allows officials to see under passengers’ clothing. Securities officials say it’s so no passengers board flights with their dignities.
