Friday, April 3, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack and Michelle Obama met the queen of England. For a gift they gave her an iPod. She can use it when she goes jogging.
She says it’s so much nicer than the boom box she’s been carrying around.
It looks like they’re saving the big gift — a Nintendo — for the Pope.
Obama’s like a rock star in England. They’ve never seen anything like him. A 47-year-old man with a full set of teeth in England?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Lame Computer Virus
10. Computer occasionally emits the odor of steamed clams
9. Signs onto ebay as you; places several modest bids on Burt Reynolds memorabilia
8. Only music you can download is Kenny Loggins
7. Tech support guy says give your computer rest and plenty of fluids
6. Computer e-mails your friends catty comments about the size of your ass
5. MapQuest directions always lead you to a Cinnabon in Yonkers
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon, you get Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon
3. When you hit the F7 key, your pants fall down
2. Only Web site you can access is for "The Slanket," the blanket with sleeves
1. Replaces hilarious Top Ten jokes with entries that aren't funny
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. The feds are after everything — today they towed away his wife, Ruth.
Here’s good news for Bernie Madoff — only 149 years, 50 weeks to go.
Here’s how bad the economy is lately: They’re watering down the holy water at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
The Obamas are visiting Buckingham Palace. Michelle Obama was involved in a bit of a scandal when she met the queen. She gave her a little rub on her back. I guess you’re not supposed to rub queens. Not even Prince Philip gets to that.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a brouhaha over in England. Michelle Obama touched the queen. It’s thrown Buckingham Palace into a tizzy. There’s a brouhaha and a tizzy.
The queen’s like a stripper — you can look, but you can’t touch.
Unless you take her to the champagne room.
Jimmy Fallon
It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth. He and Michelle went to Buckingham Palace. It was very nice. And he gave the queen an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack — not all queens like show tunes.
After being on the air for 72 years, CBS is canceling the soap opera “Guiding Light.” It started back on radio. Fans of the show shouldn’t worry, though. Soap operas don’t die, they go into a coma — and come back as another actress.
Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It’ll be part of a new exhibit called, “Why Kids Hate Museums.”
The new X-Men movie “Wolverine” is coming out this summer. The FBI is investigating how an HD version was leaked online. And as soon as the FBI solves it, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden.
Jay Leno
Barack and Michelle Obama met the queen of England. For a gift they gave her an iPod. She can use it when she goes jogging.
She says it’s so much nicer than the boom box she’s been carrying around.
It looks like they’re saving the big gift — a Nintendo — for the Pope.
Obama’s like a rock star in England. They’ve never seen anything like him. A 47-year-old man with a full set of teeth in England?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Lame Computer Virus
10. Computer occasionally emits the odor of steamed clams
9. Signs onto ebay as you; places several modest bids on Burt Reynolds memorabilia
8. Only music you can download is Kenny Loggins
7. Tech support guy says give your computer rest and plenty of fluids
6. Computer e-mails your friends catty comments about the size of your ass
5. MapQuest directions always lead you to a Cinnabon in Yonkers
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon, you get Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
4. No matter what book you order on Amazon
3. When you hit the F7 key, your pants fall down
2. Only Web site you can access is for "The Slanket," the blanket with sleeves
1. Replaces hilarious Top Ten jokes with entries that aren't funny
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. The feds are after everything — today they towed away his wife, Ruth.
Here’s good news for Bernie Madoff — only 149 years, 50 weeks to go.
Here’s how bad the economy is lately: They’re watering down the holy water at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
The Obamas are visiting Buckingham Palace. Michelle Obama was involved in a bit of a scandal when she met the queen. She gave her a little rub on her back. I guess you’re not supposed to rub queens. Not even Prince Philip gets to that.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a brouhaha over in England. Michelle Obama touched the queen. It’s thrown Buckingham Palace into a tizzy. There’s a brouhaha and a tizzy.
The queen’s like a stripper — you can look, but you can’t touch.
Unless you take her to the champagne room.
Jimmy Fallon
It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth. He and Michelle went to Buckingham Palace. It was very nice. And he gave the queen an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack — not all queens like show tunes.
After being on the air for 72 years, CBS is canceling the soap opera “Guiding Light.” It started back on radio. Fans of the show shouldn’t worry, though. Soap operas don’t die, they go into a coma — and come back as another actress.
Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It’ll be part of a new exhibit called, “Why Kids Hate Museums.”
The new X-Men movie “Wolverine” is coming out this summer. The FBI is investigating how an HD version was leaked online. And as soon as the FBI solves it, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden.
