Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu . . . Dick Cheney.
They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives.
A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location . . . a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind On Draft Day
10. You don't often hear, "Congratulations, you're going to Detroit"
9. Why am I the only one who came to Radio City Music Hall dressed as a Rockette?
8. If the Lions win one game this year, I'm a hero
7. Anybody dumps Gatorade on me and I'll deck 'em
6. Holy crap, I think I just pulled a hamstring
5. I didn't think anything could top the excitement of Heidi and Spencer getting married
4. Is it me or does NFL Commissioner Goodell look like a young Larry Hagman?
3. Why am I here when I could be at that movie where Beyonce and that babe fight?
2. Why does Jessica Simpson keep calling me?
1. I'd gladly go No. 2 if it means not having to appear on Letterman
David Letterman
What a day . . . 86 and sultry — like Barbara Walters.
GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM.
Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law.
Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage.
Craig Ferguson
Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick.
In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you.
Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? Well . . . OK, but only because we like your hat.
Jimmy Fallon
The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus.
This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.
The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”
Jay Leno
It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu . . . Dick Cheney.
They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives.
A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location . . . a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind On Draft Day
10. You don't often hear, "Congratulations, you're going to Detroit"
9. Why am I the only one who came to Radio City Music Hall dressed as a Rockette?
8. If the Lions win one game this year, I'm a hero
7. Anybody dumps Gatorade on me and I'll deck 'em
6. Holy crap, I think I just pulled a hamstring
5. I didn't think anything could top the excitement of Heidi and Spencer getting married
4. Is it me or does NFL Commissioner Goodell look like a young Larry Hagman?
3. Why am I here when I could be at that movie where Beyonce and that babe fight?
2. Why does Jessica Simpson keep calling me?
1. I'd gladly go No. 2 if it means not having to appear on Letterman
David Letterman
What a day . . . 86 and sultry — like Barbara Walters.
GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM.
Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law.
Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage.
Craig Ferguson
Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick.
In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you.
Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? Well . . . OK, but only because we like your hat.
Jimmy Fallon
The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus.
This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.
The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”
