Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Navy 3 — pirates 0.
Navy Seals — what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots sitting on the pirates’ shoulders.
Attorney General Eric Holder put it into perspective: He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States in hundreds of years — well, if you don’t count AIG.
Bernard Madoff’s wife is going back to using her maiden name so people won’t hate her. I don’t know if that’s going to work. Her maiden name? Bin Laden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Angel Cabrera's Answering Machine
10. "Dude, it's your brother — I never knew you played golf"
9. "It's Golf Digest. We upgraded you from 'unknown' to 'virtually unknown'"
8. "Hi, this is your neighbor. Some guy who looks exactly like you just won the Masters!"
7. "It's your parents. We didn't know you played golf"
6. "Hi, it's Bernie Madoff. I hear you have some money to invest"
5. "Are you Zorro?"
4. "John Daly here. Let's get drunk and go to Hooters"
3. "Hello, thanks to you, I can say I was there the day some dude I never heard of won the Masters"
2. "Admit it, even you were rooting for Tiger"
1. "Madonna here, guess what else you won"
David Letterman
Fantastic Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. They found 1,500 eggs . . . 92 weapons, and three bodies.
Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out to find bin Laden.
They had the annual Easter Egg Roll in Washington. They almost had to cancel it because no one has any money. At the last minute, the U.S. government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
How about that President Obama? He rounded up those Somali pirates and Madoff all in the same year.
Craig Ferguson
Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. You know times are changing when California’s putting the celebrities in jail.
He got sentenced to 18 years, and his hairdresser got 20.
His wig was found guilty of grand theft poodle.
After 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. He blamed the divorce on irreconcilable differences, commitment issues, and the Jewish people.
Jimmy Fallon
The wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new dog. A Portuguese water dog, named Bo. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier but it was arrested for tax evasion.
Bo arrived just in time — the Obama daughters were getting tired of throwing a Frisbee to Joe Biden.
He does catch it with his mouth, of course.
They almost named it after the other dog in the White House . . . Bill.
Jay Leno
Navy 3 — pirates 0.
Navy Seals — what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots sitting on the pirates’ shoulders.
Attorney General Eric Holder put it into perspective: He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States in hundreds of years — well, if you don’t count AIG.
Bernard Madoff’s wife is going back to using her maiden name so people won’t hate her. I don’t know if that’s going to work. Her maiden name? Bin Laden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Angel Cabrera's Answering Machine
10. "Dude, it's your brother — I never knew you played golf"
9. "It's Golf Digest. We upgraded you from 'unknown' to 'virtually unknown'"
8. "Hi, this is your neighbor. Some guy who looks exactly like you just won the Masters!"
7. "It's your parents. We didn't know you played golf"
6. "Hi, it's Bernie Madoff. I hear you have some money to invest"
5. "Are you Zorro?"
4. "John Daly here. Let's get drunk and go to Hooters"
3. "Hello, thanks to you, I can say I was there the day some dude I never heard of won the Masters"
2. "Admit it, even you were rooting for Tiger"
1. "Madonna here, guess what else you won"
David Letterman
Fantastic Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. They found 1,500 eggs . . . 92 weapons, and three bodies.
Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out to find bin Laden.
They had the annual Easter Egg Roll in Washington. They almost had to cancel it because no one has any money. At the last minute, the U.S. government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
How about that President Obama? He rounded up those Somali pirates and Madoff all in the same year.
Craig Ferguson
Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. You know times are changing when California’s putting the celebrities in jail.
He got sentenced to 18 years, and his hairdresser got 20.
His wig was found guilty of grand theft poodle.
After 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. He blamed the divorce on irreconcilable differences, commitment issues, and the Jewish people.
Jimmy Fallon
The wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new dog. A Portuguese water dog, named Bo. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier but it was arrested for tax evasion.
Bo arrived just in time — the Obama daughters were getting tired of throwing a Frisbee to Joe Biden.
He does catch it with his mouth, of course.
They almost named it after the other dog in the White House . . . Bill.
