Saturday, April 25, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
David Letterman
Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.
Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since “The View.”
In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.
Craig Ferguson
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — “Alienated vs. Predator.”
The “Soloist” opens today. I don’t know what it’s about, but they stole that title from my sex tape.
It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in favor of a hot new young one.
We should be ashamed. The next time you order a pizza, ask for it without the box.
Yesterday was “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” It used to be “Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids — “Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.”
This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.
Jimmy Fallon
The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.
Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending . He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.
It’s Arbor Day. Trees everywhere will use the day as an excuse to dress like sluts.
David Letterman
Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.
Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since “The View.”
In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.
Craig Ferguson
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — “Alienated vs. Predator.”
The “Soloist” opens today. I don’t know what it’s about, but they stole that title from my sex tape.
It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in favor of a hot new young one.
We should be ashamed. The next time you order a pizza, ask for it without the box.
Yesterday was “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” It used to be “Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids — “Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.”
This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.
Jimmy Fallon
The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.
Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending . He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.
It’s Arbor Day. Trees everywhere will use the day as an excuse to dress like sluts.
