Thursday, April 23, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day . . . or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday.
To celebrate Earth Day, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.
Even Dick Cheney got into Earth Day. He said he only uses recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.
All over the world people were doing their part. Somali pirates were only attacking sailboats.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. I’m happy to say that all of our rats here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre are free-range.
They’ve released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding suspects, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.
Eliot Spitzer, the guy who had a thing for prostitutes, is talking about running for governor again in 2010. He said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.
Even Eliot Spitzer is excited about Earth Day — he was on the side of the highway picking up trash today.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A doctor in England claims he has impregnated four women with human clones. I think we should go back to the old-fashioned way of having babies — eight at a time.
This is the 39th Earth Day. Enjoy it now because once you get into your 40s, it’s all downhill.
Today is also Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day, but now it’s all PC. It’s like Thanksgiving used to be called “Just Cook My Dinner,” now it’s called Thanksgiving.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant.
There was a large crowd on hand to greet him, partly to show support, partly to show kids what a black person looks like. It’s a very white state.
A company that makes baseball uniforms issued an apology for making the Washington Nationals uniforms without the “o.” They actually wore them to the game. Oprah’s going to be furious, by the way.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Earth Day. I remember as a kid on Earth Day we would run downstairs in our footed pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us.
We’re doing our part: Half of our staff is planting trees, the other half is smoking them.
General Motors is joining in. GM is helping out the environment by doing everything they can to not sell cars.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day . . . or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday.
To celebrate Earth Day, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.
Even Dick Cheney got into Earth Day. He said he only uses recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.
All over the world people were doing their part. Somali pirates were only attacking sailboats.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. I’m happy to say that all of our rats here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre are free-range.
They’ve released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding suspects, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.
Eliot Spitzer, the guy who had a thing for prostitutes, is talking about running for governor again in 2010. He said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.
Even Eliot Spitzer is excited about Earth Day — he was on the side of the highway picking up trash today.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A doctor in England claims he has impregnated four women with human clones. I think we should go back to the old-fashioned way of having babies — eight at a time.
This is the 39th Earth Day. Enjoy it now because once you get into your 40s, it’s all downhill.
Today is also Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day, but now it’s all PC. It’s like Thanksgiving used to be called “Just Cook My Dinner,” now it’s called Thanksgiving.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant.
There was a large crowd on hand to greet him, partly to show support, partly to show kids what a black person looks like. It’s a very white state.
A company that makes baseball uniforms issued an apology for making the Washington Nationals uniforms without the “o.” They actually wore them to the game. Oprah’s going to be furious, by the way.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Earth Day. I remember as a kid on Earth Day we would run downstairs in our footed pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us.
We’re doing our part: Half of our staff is planting trees, the other half is smoking them.
General Motors is joining in. GM is helping out the environment by doing everything they can to not sell cars.
