Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Obama is giving GM 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for spending taxpayers’ money. GM should have said to him, “Hey — you first.”
The federal government is saying they will back the warranties of the Chrysler or GM vehicles. Well that’s great news for consumers — combine the efficiency of the federal government with the honesty of car mechanics.
Imagine the government in the car business. Every time you hit OnStar, you’d get Joe Biden.
Obama also said if you buy a new car, you will able to deduct the sales tax from your income tax. Or you can just take a job at the White House and you wouldn’t have to pay taxes at all.
David Letterman
Anybody got any money? I don’t have any money. I don’t have money for underpants.
The only people making money are the people printing “Going Out of Business” signs.
The hookers in Times Square are carrying signs that say, “No Payments for 12 Months.”
Donald Trump, Mr. Bigshot? He’s got tenants living in that thing on his head.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Al Gore, 61 years old today. Today, he ate a cake. Then he remembered it was his birthday.
President Obama is making his first overseas trip. I wonder if he’ll stay at hostels, get a Eurorail Pass . . .
I’m sure his trip will be just like the movie “European Vacation.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The hospital where Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman’s litter was born has fired 15 medical staffers for looking into her private medical records. Say what you want about her, she’s helping the economy. She just created 15 job openings.
It’s tax time again. As usual, I’ll be claiming my Uncle Frank and security guard Guillermo as dependents. I suggest you do the same.
Some people get stressed out at tax time. I don’t. I have a manager, Ernie Madoff, who I leave these matters to.
Jimmy Fallon
A JetBlue baggage handler fell asleep in the luggage compartment and flew all the way from New York to Boston. JetBlue was just thrilled that anything in its luggage compartment made it to its destination.
A man was charged with drunk driving after crashing a vehicle he made out of a barstool and a lawnmower. Friends don’t let friends drive a barstool mounted on a lawnmower.
There’s a new airport screener that allows officials to see under passengers’ clothing. Securities officials say it’s so no passengers board flights with their dignities.
Jay Leno
President Obama is giving GM 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for spending taxpayers’ money. GM should have said to him, “Hey — you first.”
The federal government is saying they will back the warranties of the Chrysler or GM vehicles. Well that’s great news for consumers — combine the efficiency of the federal government with the honesty of car mechanics.
Imagine the government in the car business. Every time you hit OnStar, you’d get Joe Biden.
Obama also said if you buy a new car, you will able to deduct the sales tax from your income tax. Or you can just take a job at the White House and you wouldn’t have to pay taxes at all.
David Letterman
Anybody got any money? I don’t have any money. I don’t have money for underpants.
The only people making money are the people printing “Going Out of Business” signs.
The hookers in Times Square are carrying signs that say, “No Payments for 12 Months.”
Donald Trump, Mr. Bigshot? He’s got tenants living in that thing on his head.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Al Gore, 61 years old today. Today, he ate a cake. Then he remembered it was his birthday.
President Obama is making his first overseas trip. I wonder if he’ll stay at hostels, get a Eurorail Pass . . .
I’m sure his trip will be just like the movie “European Vacation.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The hospital where Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman’s litter was born has fired 15 medical staffers for looking into her private medical records. Say what you want about her, she’s helping the economy. She just created 15 job openings.
It’s tax time again. As usual, I’ll be claiming my Uncle Frank and security guard Guillermo as dependents. I suggest you do the same.
Some people get stressed out at tax time. I don’t. I have a manager, Ernie Madoff, who I leave these matters to.
Jimmy Fallon
A JetBlue baggage handler fell asleep in the luggage compartment and flew all the way from New York to Boston. JetBlue was just thrilled that anything in its luggage compartment made it to its destination.
A man was charged with drunk driving after crashing a vehicle he made out of a barstool and a lawnmower. Friends don’t let friends drive a barstool mounted on a lawnmower.
There’s a new airport screener that allows officials to see under passengers’ clothing. Securities officials say it’s so no passengers board flights with their dignities.
