Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Last night I had a new drink: the Navy Seals shot. It’s three shots and boom! You’re done.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons — which we call rap stars in this country.
Three pirates were killed at once. Of course, Phil Spector’s attorney said they killed themselves.
After six years, Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. When the first trial started, Phil Spector was actually a celebrity.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Somali Pirate
10. Is piracy a recession-proof industry?
9. How am I at ducking sniper fire?
8. Is there enough swash in my buckle?
7. Before committing, should I temp as a pirate?
7. Before committing
6. Am I doing this just to get babes?
5. Is there an all-inclusive meal plan?
4. Will I get to meet Johnny Depp?
3. Will I get along with Ross Ohlendorf? (Sorry, that's a question to ask yourself before becoming a Pittsburgh Pirate)
2. Is there more opportunity for advancement in al-Qaida?
1. How's the commute from Jersey?
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Mel Gibson’s wife?
You might have heard — Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. She’s blaming it on infidelity; he’s blaming it on the Jews.
We all have to feel good at tax time. This year, your taxes are going straight into the pockets of AIG executives.
I'm worried about the auto industry. At the auto show recently, the cars on the turntables were only getting 8 miles to the gallon.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for General Motors: They had to recall over 1 million cars for safety reasons. The cars were easy to locate . . . they were still in the showrooms.
Car sales are down this year, but marijuana sales are up. So today, General Motors introduced a new car made of pot.
Reports say workers are sucking up to their bosses now that things are bad, and it’s bad for business. I knew this. David Letterman told me. He’s a fantastic guy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama is receiving high marks for the way he handled the pirate situation. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed our new president would have to deal with pirates? What’s next, dragons? Ghosts?
Phil Spector was finally convicted after three trials of second degree murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His story was that this woman stopped by his house to commit a spur-of-the-moment suicide.
You have less than 24 hours to pay your taxes. Look at it as a reverse car loan you're giving to the car industry.
Jimmy Fallon
Today is tax day. If you didn’t know that until Jimmy Fallon told you, you’re screwed.
President Obama gave a speech on the economy, and once again he promised Americans change. Specifically pennies . . . nickels . . . dimes . . .
General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles. Luckily, no one bought any of them.
Jay Leno
Last night I had a new drink: the Navy Seals shot. It’s three shots and boom! You’re done.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons — which we call rap stars in this country.
Three pirates were killed at once. Of course, Phil Spector’s attorney said they killed themselves.
After six years, Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. When the first trial started, Phil Spector was actually a celebrity.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Somali Pirate
10. Is piracy a recession-proof industry?
9. How am I at ducking sniper fire?
8. Is there enough swash in my buckle?
7. Before committing, should I temp as a pirate?
7. Before committing
6. Am I doing this just to get babes?
5. Is there an all-inclusive meal plan?
4. Will I get to meet Johnny Depp?
3. Will I get along with Ross Ohlendorf? (Sorry, that's a question to ask yourself before becoming a Pittsburgh Pirate)
2. Is there more opportunity for advancement in al-Qaida?
1. How's the commute from Jersey?
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Mel Gibson’s wife?
You might have heard — Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce. She’s blaming it on infidelity; he’s blaming it on the Jews.
We all have to feel good at tax time. This year, your taxes are going straight into the pockets of AIG executives.
I'm worried about the auto industry. At the auto show recently, the cars on the turntables were only getting 8 miles to the gallon.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for General Motors: They had to recall over 1 million cars for safety reasons. The cars were easy to locate . . . they were still in the showrooms.
Car sales are down this year, but marijuana sales are up. So today, General Motors introduced a new car made of pot.
Reports say workers are sucking up to their bosses now that things are bad, and it’s bad for business. I knew this. David Letterman told me. He’s a fantastic guy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama is receiving high marks for the way he handled the pirate situation. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed our new president would have to deal with pirates? What’s next, dragons? Ghosts?
Phil Spector was finally convicted after three trials of second degree murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His story was that this woman stopped by his house to commit a spur-of-the-moment suicide.
You have less than 24 hours to pay your taxes. Look at it as a reverse car loan you're giving to the car industry.
Jimmy Fallon
Today is tax day. If you didn’t know that until Jimmy Fallon told you, you’re screwed.
President Obama gave a speech on the economy, and once again he promised Americans change. Specifically pennies . . . nickels . . . dimes . . .
General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles. Luckily, no one bought any of them.
