Thursday, April 30, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
I trying to plan my vacation — I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise and a Mexican pig farm.
Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!”
The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood . . .
Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 — writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
David Letterman
It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks.
New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City.
Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go.
All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show . . . he’s in jail.
What do you get the guy who stole everything?
The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.”
Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference . . . he might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.”
Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out.
We can’t return him now.
He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands?
Jay Leno
I trying to plan my vacation — I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise and a Mexican pig farm.
Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!”
The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood . . .
Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 — writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
David Letterman
It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks.
New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City.
Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go.
All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show . . . he’s in jail.
What do you get the guy who stole everything?
The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.”
Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference . . . he might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.”
Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out.
We can’t return him now.
He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands?
