Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?
To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.
Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house?
Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten White House Excuses
10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure
9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS' "Traffic Eye In The Sky"
8. Huh?
7. Biden had to get to New York for the "Wolverine" premiere
6. If we don't photograph the president's plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president's plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?
5. It's Bush's fault
4. You've been Howie'd!
3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us
2. C'mon, let's just be cool about it . . . everybody stay cool . . . we're cool, right?
1. Swine flu made us crazy
David Letterman
They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico.
Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.
President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.
Craig Ferguson
Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?
He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.”
Scientists have cloned dogs . . . dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing.
To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U.S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years?
They’ve traced the swine flu’s origin to one little piggy who went to the market when he should have stayed home.
Jay Leno
Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?
To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.
Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house?
Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten White House Excuses
10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure
9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS' "Traffic Eye In The Sky"
8. Huh?
7. Biden had to get to New York for the "Wolverine" premiere
6. If we don't photograph the president's plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president's plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?
5. It's Bush's fault
4. You've been Howie'd!
3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us
2. C'mon, let's just be cool about it . . . everybody stay cool . . . we're cool, right?
1. Swine flu made us crazy
David Letterman
They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico.
Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.
President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.
Craig Ferguson
Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?
He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.”
Scientists have cloned dogs . . . dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing.
To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U.S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years?
They’ve traced the swine flu’s origin to one little piggy who went to the market when he should have stayed home.
