Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor got underway. Critics of Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. This morning she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay T-shirt and carrying a yoga mat.
People in New York are especially excited about Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, “Shut Up v. No, YOU Shut Up.”
President Obama has another nominee in the news — his nomination for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patient drives his house to you.
California lawmakers are still trying to close the state’s massive budget deficit, so they’re now talking about saving money by consolidating state agencies. By far the most controversial proposal is for a “Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses
10. Was going to make it public, but then I remembered I'm an evil bastard
9. It was so secret, I didn't even tell myself about it
8. Uh oh, chest pains — gotta go!
7. Wasn't me — I was judging a water ski exhibition in Orlando
6. Hellooo — everything I do is illegal
5. Spy program? I thought it was a pie program
4. No habla Ingles
3. I can't willfully violate the Constitution and the rights of every American citizen — what is this, Russia?
2. Dude, bros before hos
1. If I announced every evil thing I did, I wouldn't have time to shoot old guys in the face
David Letterman
Hot today. So hot, Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference.
There’s a new bin Laden tape. They’re sure it’s new because in it he says that he doesn’t think “Bruno” is as funny as “Borat.”
They found out that Dick Cheney, while he was vice president, had a thing going with the CIA. He went to them and said, “This will be just between you and me. We’re going to run our own antiterrorism program. Don’t tell Congress . . .” Eight years this was going on. When I heard this I said to myself, “Gosh — that doesn’t sound like the Dick Cheney I know.”
No one knew anything about Cheney's secret plan. It was called “Operation Hunting Accident.”
Craig Ferguson
The movie “Bruno” was the No. 1 movie over the weekend. Gay groups are up in arms saying it reinforces the stereotypes of gay people . . . that they are always pushing the boundaries of fashion . . . they’re friendly . . . they’re in great shape . . . what a bastard you are Bruno!
The “Bruno” movie is a joke. Comedians say jokes that upset people. That’s the way it is. That’s why I always make fun of the Amish. No TV!
Even Elton John said the movie was OK. That should be good enough — he’s the king of gay-sylvania . . . or should I say queen . . .
Jimmy Fallon
Sarah Palin said that when she leaves the governor’s office, she is open to campaigning for some Democrats. So that’s great news . . . for Republicans.
Joe Biden’s wife Jill is having surgery today to relieve pain in her shoulder. Apparently, it’s a repetitive stress injury from elbowing Joe every time he says something stupid.
This weekend several people were seriously injured during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Turns out unleashing angry bulls onto a crowded city street is dangerous.
Bernie Madoff said he will not appeal his 150-year prison sentence. He just wants to do the time and then get on with his life as a 221-year-old.
Conan O'Brien
The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor got underway. Critics of Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. This morning she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay T-shirt and carrying a yoga mat.
People in New York are especially excited about Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, “Shut Up v. No, YOU Shut Up.”
President Obama has another nominee in the news — his nomination for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patient drives his house to you.
California lawmakers are still trying to close the state’s massive budget deficit, so they’re now talking about saving money by consolidating state agencies. By far the most controversial proposal is for a “Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses
10. Was going to make it public, but then I remembered I'm an evil bastard
9. It was so secret, I didn't even tell myself about it
8. Uh oh, chest pains — gotta go!
7. Wasn't me — I was judging a water ski exhibition in Orlando
6. Hellooo — everything I do is illegal
5. Spy program? I thought it was a pie program
4. No habla Ingles
3. I can't willfully violate the Constitution and the rights of every American citizen — what is this, Russia?
2. Dude, bros before hos
1. If I announced every evil thing I did, I wouldn't have time to shoot old guys in the face
David Letterman
Hot today. So hot, Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference.
There’s a new bin Laden tape. They’re sure it’s new because in it he says that he doesn’t think “Bruno” is as funny as “Borat.”
They found out that Dick Cheney, while he was vice president, had a thing going with the CIA. He went to them and said, “This will be just between you and me. We’re going to run our own antiterrorism program. Don’t tell Congress . . .” Eight years this was going on. When I heard this I said to myself, “Gosh — that doesn’t sound like the Dick Cheney I know.”
No one knew anything about Cheney's secret plan. It was called “Operation Hunting Accident.”
Craig Ferguson
The movie “Bruno” was the No. 1 movie over the weekend. Gay groups are up in arms saying it reinforces the stereotypes of gay people . . . that they are always pushing the boundaries of fashion . . . they’re friendly . . . they’re in great shape . . . what a bastard you are Bruno!
The “Bruno” movie is a joke. Comedians say jokes that upset people. That’s the way it is. That’s why I always make fun of the Amish. No TV!
Even Elton John said the movie was OK. That should be good enough — he’s the king of gay-sylvania . . . or should I say queen . . .
Jimmy Fallon
Sarah Palin said that when she leaves the governor’s office, she is open to campaigning for some Democrats. So that’s great news . . . for Republicans.
Joe Biden’s wife Jill is having surgery today to relieve pain in her shoulder. Apparently, it’s a repetitive stress injury from elbowing Joe every time he says something stupid.
This weekend several people were seriously injured during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Turns out unleashing angry bulls onto a crowded city street is dangerous.
Bernie Madoff said he will not appeal his 150-year prison sentence. He just wants to do the time and then get on with his life as a 221-year-old.
