Saturday, July 18, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the moon landing considered by some to be mankind’s greatest achievement. Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust.
President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his healthcare plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan presidents who were born in Hawaii.
Starbucks is reportedly adding alcohol to the menu at one of its stores. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t pay eight bucks for a cup of coffee.”
Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, “Wii Job Interview.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Dave's Mom Is Celebrating Her Birthday
10. Driving to area Denny's to get free birthday meals
9. Checking the Internet to see how much you spent on my gift
8. Helping my neighbor get a raccoon out of his attic
7. Online poker
6. Just read my Twitter page, it's all there
5. Relaxing outside with my pool boy, Ricky
4. Going to a "fire David Letterman" rally
3. Spend day fishing with Sarah Palin
2. I'm gonna watch the kid that replaced Leno
1. I wasted the entire day on this stupid Top Ten list
David Letterman
Disney Land is celebrating its opening in 1955. It’s going to be elegant. Rumors are that Donald Duck may actually be wearing pants.
Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. I remember it — the whole thing was delayed because they had to go through Newark.
President Obama says he wants to put another man on the moon. He’s thinking about Joe Biden.
Craig Ferguson
The new Harry Potter movie is out. I checked — it’s made 1 gazillion dollars. Most of that’s from me.
The Harry Potter book are good — they get kids excited about reading instead of what I was doing as a kid: watching TV, robbing houses, stabbing people . . .
There’s only two more Harry Potter movies to go. They’re not going to stop there. There’ll be more. Harry Potter will have a TV show where he’s a middle-aged dude living on a boat, divorced, solving crime, and going to swingers clubs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Newly elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been ratcheting up the anti-U.S. rhetoric lately. Yesterday he said, “Iran will strike you in the face so hard, you will lose your way home.” Which really sounds like a line from “The Bernie Mac Show.”
Bill Gates is busy trying to save the world. He’s working on a plan to fight and destroy hurricanes. Gates and some scientists have filed for a patent that would reduce the intensity of hurricanes. This is why you shouldn’t take on nerds in high school. One day you’re giving them wedgies, the next day they’re harnessing the power of hurricanes.
The plan includes a plane dropping the Windows operating system Vista into the eye of the hurricane, which would cause the hurricane to freeze and then crash unexpectedly.
Jimmy Fallon
A new study finds that children who play in the sand at the beach have an increased risk of getting sick, due to bird droppings, garbage, and sewage. So when you’re at the beach try to avoid the sand.
American Airlines at JFK airport has added a pet relief area where animals can relieve themselves before flying. It's called the Delta counter.
A new study from the National Center for Health finds that 86 percent of women get married by age 40. The other 14 percent get cats.
A GM dealership in Missouri is giving away AK-47s to customers who buy a pick-up truck in August. I guess they figure for that kind of money, you should get at least one reliable product.
Conan O'Brien
This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the moon landing considered by some to be mankind’s greatest achievement. Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust.
President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his healthcare plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan presidents who were born in Hawaii.
Starbucks is reportedly adding alcohol to the menu at one of its stores. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t pay eight bucks for a cup of coffee.”
Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, “Wii Job Interview.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Dave's Mom Is Celebrating Her Birthday
10. Driving to area Denny's to get free birthday meals
9. Checking the Internet to see how much you spent on my gift
8. Helping my neighbor get a raccoon out of his attic
7. Online poker
6. Just read my Twitter page, it's all there
5. Relaxing outside with my pool boy, Ricky
4. Going to a "fire David Letterman" rally
3. Spend day fishing with Sarah Palin
2. I'm gonna watch the kid that replaced Leno
1. I wasted the entire day on this stupid Top Ten list
David Letterman
Disney Land is celebrating its opening in 1955. It’s going to be elegant. Rumors are that Donald Duck may actually be wearing pants.
Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. I remember it — the whole thing was delayed because they had to go through Newark.
President Obama says he wants to put another man on the moon. He’s thinking about Joe Biden.
Craig Ferguson
The new Harry Potter movie is out. I checked — it’s made 1 gazillion dollars. Most of that’s from me.
The Harry Potter book are good — they get kids excited about reading instead of what I was doing as a kid: watching TV, robbing houses, stabbing people . . .
There’s only two more Harry Potter movies to go. They’re not going to stop there. There’ll be more. Harry Potter will have a TV show where he’s a middle-aged dude living on a boat, divorced, solving crime, and going to swingers clubs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Newly elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been ratcheting up the anti-U.S. rhetoric lately. Yesterday he said, “Iran will strike you in the face so hard, you will lose your way home.” Which really sounds like a line from “The Bernie Mac Show.”
Bill Gates is busy trying to save the world. He’s working on a plan to fight and destroy hurricanes. Gates and some scientists have filed for a patent that would reduce the intensity of hurricanes. This is why you shouldn’t take on nerds in high school. One day you’re giving them wedgies, the next day they’re harnessing the power of hurricanes.
The plan includes a plane dropping the Windows operating system Vista into the eye of the hurricane, which would cause the hurricane to freeze and then crash unexpectedly.
Jimmy Fallon
A new study finds that children who play in the sand at the beach have an increased risk of getting sick, due to bird droppings, garbage, and sewage. So when you’re at the beach try to avoid the sand.
American Airlines at JFK airport has added a pet relief area where animals can relieve themselves before flying. It's called the Delta counter.
A new study from the National Center for Health finds that 86 percent of women get married by age 40. The other 14 percent get cats.
A GM dealership in Missouri is giving away AK-47s to customers who buy a pick-up truck in August. I guess they figure for that kind of money, you should get at least one reliable product.
