Thursday, July 16, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Sonia Sotomayor was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee and said that she "felt out of place" attending Princeton. Sotomayor said there were so many white males in Princeton that she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. He has cleared his schedule this week to go on a personal trip with his wife. Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he’s going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first.
Yesterday Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it “Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.”
Speaking of Harry Potter — the new Harry Potter film opened nationwide last night. Star Trek fans were especially excited because it’s the one night out of the year they get to look down on someone.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Bruce Willis Is Spending His Summer
10. If I were doing anything, why would I be wasting my time here?
9. I'm hosting several "fire David Letterman" rallys
8. I believe the technical term is "chillaxing"
7. I'll be kicking ass at the county fair with my 250 pound tomato
6. I'll be traveling to Argentina with Gov. Mark Sanford
5. I dropped my resume off at the Dairy Queen in Secaucus, so we'll see what happens
4. I'll be losing those last five pounds for bikini season
3. I will be in the front row at every Jonas Brothers concert, baby!
2. Beginning work on my latest action movie, "Die Hard 5: Die Harderest"
1. Agreeing to do a lame Top Ten list just so I can meet Paul McCartney
David Letterman
Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings going on . . . good news: The FDA just announced a new nondrowsy Orrin Hatch. And boy do we need it.
Her confidence is growing day to day. In fact, today, she showed up wearing the yellow jersey.
President Obama threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. Because they were playing in St. Louis, in a National League park, he also had to bat.
I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the event. The New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. The Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said that he was making out with Kate Hudson.
Craig Ferguson
Today is a day I wait for all year — Cow Appreciation Day. So I had a burger for dinner.
The Ukraine has banned the movie “Bruno.” They say it’s filled with nudity and gay sex . . . but there are some things they don’t like too.
Oprah again has topped Forbes’ list of most influential women in the media. Second place? Ryan Seacrest.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The latest Harry Potter movie opened last night at midnight. This weekend it goes head to head with “Bruno,” so make sure your kids into the right theatre.
Michael Jackson is still the biggest thing in the news today. His brother Tito says that he tried to have an intervention with Michael, but Michael’s staff shut him out of the house and even set up roadblocks to keep him out. But seriously, if Tito was your brother you’d do the same thing. Tito-proofing his house is probably the sanest thing Michael ever did.
Michael’s father Joe is talking about turning Michael’s kids into an act and taking them on tour . . . which they say is the best thing to do for kids mourning the death of their father. Letting Joe Jackson train another Jackson family singing group is like letting Michael Vick train another dog.
Jimmy Fallon
Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency he also opposed his own marriage.
Last night, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” set a box office record for midnight showings, making over 22 million dollars. It also set a record for the most 40-year-old guys wearing capes. Even Pope Benedict gave his blessing to the Harry Potter movie. The Vatican officially approved it. He gave it four stars, three Hail Marys, and an Our Father.
The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. They're not sure what with, but anything where you don't spend 10 minutes at the airport going, "Wait, is orange bad, or is orange good?”
Conan O'Brien
Sonia Sotomayor was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee and said that she "felt out of place" attending Princeton. Sotomayor said there were so many white males in Princeton that she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. He has cleared his schedule this week to go on a personal trip with his wife. Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he’s going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first.
Yesterday Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it “Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.”
Speaking of Harry Potter — the new Harry Potter film opened nationwide last night. Star Trek fans were especially excited because it’s the one night out of the year they get to look down on someone.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Bruce Willis Is Spending His Summer
10. If I were doing anything, why would I be wasting my time here?
9. I'm hosting several "fire David Letterman" rallys
8. I believe the technical term is "chillaxing"
7. I'll be kicking ass at the county fair with my 250 pound tomato
6. I'll be traveling to Argentina with Gov. Mark Sanford
5. I dropped my resume off at the Dairy Queen in Secaucus, so we'll see what happens
4. I'll be losing those last five pounds for bikini season
3. I will be in the front row at every Jonas Brothers concert, baby!
2. Beginning work on my latest action movie, "Die Hard 5: Die Harderest"
1. Agreeing to do a lame Top Ten list just so I can meet Paul McCartney
David Letterman
Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings going on . . . good news: The FDA just announced a new nondrowsy Orrin Hatch. And boy do we need it.
Her confidence is growing day to day. In fact, today, she showed up wearing the yellow jersey.
President Obama threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. Because they were playing in St. Louis, in a National League park, he also had to bat.
I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the event. The New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. The Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said that he was making out with Kate Hudson.
Craig Ferguson
Today is a day I wait for all year — Cow Appreciation Day. So I had a burger for dinner.
The Ukraine has banned the movie “Bruno.” They say it’s filled with nudity and gay sex . . . but there are some things they don’t like too.
Oprah again has topped Forbes’ list of most influential women in the media. Second place? Ryan Seacrest.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The latest Harry Potter movie opened last night at midnight. This weekend it goes head to head with “Bruno,” so make sure your kids into the right theatre.
Michael Jackson is still the biggest thing in the news today. His brother Tito says that he tried to have an intervention with Michael, but Michael’s staff shut him out of the house and even set up roadblocks to keep him out. But seriously, if Tito was your brother you’d do the same thing. Tito-proofing his house is probably the sanest thing Michael ever did.
Michael’s father Joe is talking about turning Michael’s kids into an act and taking them on tour . . . which they say is the best thing to do for kids mourning the death of their father. Letting Joe Jackson train another Jackson family singing group is like letting Michael Vick train another dog.
Jimmy Fallon
Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency he also opposed his own marriage.
Last night, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” set a box office record for midnight showings, making over 22 million dollars. It also set a record for the most 40-year-old guys wearing capes. Even Pope Benedict gave his blessing to the Harry Potter movie. The Vatican officially approved it. He gave it four stars, three Hail Marys, and an Our Father.
The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. They're not sure what with, but anything where you don't spend 10 minutes at the airport going, "Wait, is orange bad, or is orange good?”
