Friday, July 10, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
I’ve got the latest news on Sarah Palin — the latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul “too coherent.”
Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, “Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”
The economy still struggling . . . the latest figures show that because of the bad economy, homelessness in the suburbs is increasing. So the next time you hear something rustling around in your trash, it could be one of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States’ and Russia’s nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev’s name by a “dev.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno" Presented By Bruno
10. It's like "Transformers" but not as gay
9. Features lots of suggestive words like "bratwurst" and "schnitzel"
8. I'm sorry, I got distracted by how delicious I look
7. If you ask nicely, the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical butter all uber your buttocks
6. Don't you want to see a crazy gay Austrian who isn't the governor of California?
5. It's rated "F" for fabulous
4. I do a lot of this (Bruno strikes a pose)
3. Harry Potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand
2. Bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people uncomfortable . . . like David Letterman
1. Hello? I'm in it
David Letterman
Sarah Palin is no longer the governor of Alaska. It looks like she may get her own TV program. And I was thinking, “I don’t know . . . she seems pretty camera shy . . .”
Here’s what I would say to her: “If you get a TV show, you gotta be careful with what you say on the air. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Be careful.”
Bernie Madoff, the guy who stole like $140 billion, is in prison, but his wife, Ruth had like $80 million that she said was her own money. They didn’t buy it. They left her with $2.5 million. I hope the poor dear can make it.
Now she’s looking for an apartment in the $400,000 range. Here in New York City that’ll get her a place just a little bit smaller than where her husband is.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study that says over the course of a lifetime, the average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to wear. Some women spend a lot more time than that. Cher has a 10,000-square-foot dressing room in Las Vegas. Every night she spends hours trying stuff on — noses, ears . . . she’s like Mr. Potato Head.
They say that women get dressed up to impress other women. I think that’s true because no guy ever turned a woman down because her shoes didn’t match her earrings.
Guys work differently. It’s basically the smell test: You pick it up, and if doesn’t smell that bad — put it on.
Conan O'Brien
I’ve got the latest news on Sarah Palin — the latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul “too coherent.”
Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, “Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”
The economy still struggling . . . the latest figures show that because of the bad economy, homelessness in the suburbs is increasing. So the next time you hear something rustling around in your trash, it could be one of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States’ and Russia’s nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev’s name by a “dev.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno" Presented By Bruno
10. It's like "Transformers" but not as gay
9. Features lots of suggestive words like "bratwurst" and "schnitzel"
8. I'm sorry, I got distracted by how delicious I look
7. If you ask nicely, the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical butter all uber your buttocks
6. Don't you want to see a crazy gay Austrian who isn't the governor of California?
5. It's rated "F" for fabulous
4. I do a lot of this (Bruno strikes a pose)
3. Harry Potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand
2. Bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people uncomfortable . . . like David Letterman
1. Hello? I'm in it
David Letterman
Sarah Palin is no longer the governor of Alaska. It looks like she may get her own TV program. And I was thinking, “I don’t know . . . she seems pretty camera shy . . .”
Here’s what I would say to her: “If you get a TV show, you gotta be careful with what you say on the air. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Be careful.”
Bernie Madoff, the guy who stole like $140 billion, is in prison, but his wife, Ruth had like $80 million that she said was her own money. They didn’t buy it. They left her with $2.5 million. I hope the poor dear can make it.
Now she’s looking for an apartment in the $400,000 range. Here in New York City that’ll get her a place just a little bit smaller than where her husband is.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study that says over the course of a lifetime, the average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to wear. Some women spend a lot more time than that. Cher has a 10,000-square-foot dressing room in Las Vegas. Every night she spends hours trying stuff on — noses, ears . . . she’s like Mr. Potato Head.
They say that women get dressed up to impress other women. I think that’s true because no guy ever turned a woman down because her shoes didn’t match her earrings.
Guys work differently. It’s basically the smell test: You pick it up, and if doesn’t smell that bad — put it on.
