Friday, July 17, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Gov. Sanford is spending this week on vacation with his wife in order to improve their marriage. Apparently it’s not going well because Sanford keeps introducing his wife as “my wingman.”
CNN reports that Sen. John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. Apparently, every single one of McCain’s tweets says, “The nurse is stealing from me!”
The new Harry Potter film opened yesterday, and it earned a whopping $58 million in its first day. Producers are still marveling at the ability of Harry Potter fans to clear their social schedules on a Wednesday.
Earlier today at her confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere — including Wikipedia. Which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Wizard Movie
10. Only potion he can make is instant coffee
9. It's set in the mystical fantasy land of Trenton
8. Uses his power to transform Times Square into pedestrian mall
7. "Capes" are actually Slankets — the blanket with sleeves!
6. His magic word is "meat"
5. He has the ability to render people queasy
4. Instead of broomsticks, they ride Dustbusters
3. They lose to the Knicks, 110-93 (oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign you're watching a bad Washington Wizards game)
2. Uses cloak of invisibility to sneak into "Bruno"
1. Five words: Harry Potter is Regis Philbin
David Letterman
Emmy nominations are out. I was nominated in an unusual category — Best Apology.
Bernie Madoff’s accountant got 105 years. When Bernie heard about the accountant getting less time than he did, he said, “Oh, that lucky stiff.”
But I thought this was sweet: Bernie called the guy and said, “Since you’re getting out ahead of me, can you look in on my wife Ruth when you get out?”
He’s in prison sweeping floors. And they get paid: 14 cents a day. Today, Bernie said to his cell mate, “I can double that for you.”
Craig Ferguson
Sad day for Amy Winehouse. She got divorced. She had problems settling the divorce. She and her husband had been fighting over the crack pipes.
Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission. Some people don’t believe there was a moon landing. There’s a technical name for these people — jerks.
The Russians actually sent a dog into space. They had to fire up a Frisbee first, but they did it.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
California has no money. Our budget situation is a mess. So a state representative introduced a bill to legalize marijuana and he claims it will raise almost a billion and a half dollars a year in taxes. And another $3 billion in Cheetos sales.
They have a campaign: “Marijuana — the Weed That Works.”
Snoop Dogg alone could balance the budget.
Jimmy Fallon
Oprah Winfrey was No. 1 on the Forbes list of the Most Influential Women in Media. Oprah celebrated by buying Forbes.
A judge dismissed Donald Trump’s court case against an author who questioned Trump’s claim whether he was worth $3 billion dollars. This has been going on for a while. It took the judge a few months to comb-over the evidence.
After two years of marriage, Amy Winehouse got divorced this morning from her husband. The romance has been over for a while; toward the end there, they were sleeping in separate gutters.
Conan O'Brien
Gov. Sanford is spending this week on vacation with his wife in order to improve their marriage. Apparently it’s not going well because Sanford keeps introducing his wife as “my wingman.”
CNN reports that Sen. John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. Apparently, every single one of McCain’s tweets says, “The nurse is stealing from me!”
The new Harry Potter film opened yesterday, and it earned a whopping $58 million in its first day. Producers are still marveling at the ability of Harry Potter fans to clear their social schedules on a Wednesday.
Earlier today at her confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere — including Wikipedia. Which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Wizard Movie
10. Only potion he can make is instant coffee
9. It's set in the mystical fantasy land of Trenton
8. Uses his power to transform Times Square into pedestrian mall
7. "Capes" are actually Slankets — the blanket with sleeves!
6. His magic word is "meat"
5. He has the ability to render people queasy
4. Instead of broomsticks, they ride Dustbusters
3. They lose to the Knicks, 110-93 (oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign you're watching a bad Washington Wizards game)
2. Uses cloak of invisibility to sneak into "Bruno"
1. Five words: Harry Potter is Regis Philbin
David Letterman
Emmy nominations are out. I was nominated in an unusual category — Best Apology.
Bernie Madoff’s accountant got 105 years. When Bernie heard about the accountant getting less time than he did, he said, “Oh, that lucky stiff.”
But I thought this was sweet: Bernie called the guy and said, “Since you’re getting out ahead of me, can you look in on my wife Ruth when you get out?”
He’s in prison sweeping floors. And they get paid: 14 cents a day. Today, Bernie said to his cell mate, “I can double that for you.”
Craig Ferguson
Sad day for Amy Winehouse. She got divorced. She had problems settling the divorce. She and her husband had been fighting over the crack pipes.
Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission. Some people don’t believe there was a moon landing. There’s a technical name for these people — jerks.
The Russians actually sent a dog into space. They had to fire up a Frisbee first, but they did it.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
California has no money. Our budget situation is a mess. So a state representative introduced a bill to legalize marijuana and he claims it will raise almost a billion and a half dollars a year in taxes. And another $3 billion in Cheetos sales.
They have a campaign: “Marijuana — the Weed That Works.”
Snoop Dogg alone could balance the budget.
Jimmy Fallon
Oprah Winfrey was No. 1 on the Forbes list of the Most Influential Women in Media. Oprah celebrated by buying Forbes.
A judge dismissed Donald Trump’s court case against an author who questioned Trump’s claim whether he was worth $3 billion dollars. This has been going on for a while. It took the judge a few months to comb-over the evidence.
After two years of marriage, Amy Winehouse got divorced this morning from her husband. The romance has been over for a while; toward the end there, they were sleeping in separate gutters.
