Thursday, June 25, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Two Columbia University students who study statistics, say the Iranian election was rigged because they found that there were too many 7s and not enough 5s in the vote totals. Then they admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends.
USA Today says that Chrysler is trying to make its cars more appealing by painting them in bright colors like orange and lime green. They’re also trying to make them more appealing by painting the name Toyota on them.
Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse — which will be better for the environment than traditional gas-powered hearses. Experts say it’s the perfect way to tell everyone in your funeral procession, I’m judging you from beyond the grave.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses
10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating
9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate
8. I learned everything I know from Gov. Spitzer
7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall
6. I learned everything I know from Gov. McGreevey
5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault
4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too
3. Putting together my audition tape for "The Amazing Race"
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff, swindler, is asking a judge for a reduced sentence. Everybody remembers him — up until a couple of weeks ago, he was the most hated man in America. Then I had my trouble with the governor of Alaska.
He's asking for 12 years. In addition, he's not allowed to trade in securities. And I'm thinking, "Well . . . they nipped that in the bud.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared for a few days and said he was out hiking. Then he said he was in South America. Today he says he was in Las Vegas and woke up hung over with a tiger and a baby.
It turns out he was in Argentina with another woman. Keep in mind he's a married guy with a family. Here's what I want to know: Why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service?
Craig Ferguson
Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, mysteriously disappeared last week. Then on Sunday, a spokesman said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail." I think that's a euphemism. "What's that lipstick on your face?" "I was 'hiking the Appalachian Trail.'"
He was busted getting off a flight from Argentina. You know where all this is headed . . . the press conference when you have to tell the whole world . . . He admitted to the affair in Argentina. Great — now we're outsourcing mistresses.
There's been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade has been Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, disappeared without telling his staff or his wife where he went. Then he said he was hiking. Today, he showed up and held a press conference to announce that he went to Argentina to visit his mistress. This is the guy who some people thought might be a candidate for president. He won't, by the way.
In international news, if you're planning a trip to North Korea, don't go. The North Koreans are accusing us of trying to start another war, and they're saying that they will wipe us out if we do. They're probably kidding, though. They have a very good sense of humor about this stuff.
The Pittsburgh Penguins just won the Stanley Cup. Who better to congratulate them than New Age keyboard sensation Yanni. Nothing says hockey like Yanni in a light blue jersey.
Jimmy Fallon
Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, was missing for five days. He finally showed up and claimed he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then today, he revealed he was not hiking in the mountains, he was in Argentina where he was having an extramarital affair. It all seems so strange until you realize who his mistress is: Carmen Sandiego.
On July 14, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game in St. Louis. Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.
As a way to attract movie viewers, the Oscars now will nominate 10 movies for Best Picture, instead of five. That's just what the Oscars are missing — more losers.
Conan O'Brien
Two Columbia University students who study statistics, say the Iranian election was rigged because they found that there were too many 7s and not enough 5s in the vote totals. Then they admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends.
USA Today says that Chrysler is trying to make its cars more appealing by painting them in bright colors like orange and lime green. They’re also trying to make them more appealing by painting the name Toyota on them.
Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse — which will be better for the environment than traditional gas-powered hearses. Experts say it’s the perfect way to tell everyone in your funeral procession, I’m judging you from beyond the grave.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses
10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating
9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate
8. I learned everything I know from Gov. Spitzer
7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall
6. I learned everything I know from Gov. McGreevey
5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault
4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too
3. Putting together my audition tape for "The Amazing Race"
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno
David Letterman
Bernie Madoff, swindler, is asking a judge for a reduced sentence. Everybody remembers him — up until a couple of weeks ago, he was the most hated man in America. Then I had my trouble with the governor of Alaska.
He's asking for 12 years. In addition, he's not allowed to trade in securities. And I'm thinking, "Well . . . they nipped that in the bud.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared for a few days and said he was out hiking. Then he said he was in South America. Today he says he was in Las Vegas and woke up hung over with a tiger and a baby.
It turns out he was in Argentina with another woman. Keep in mind he's a married guy with a family. Here's what I want to know: Why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service?
Craig Ferguson
Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, mysteriously disappeared last week. Then on Sunday, a spokesman said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail." I think that's a euphemism. "What's that lipstick on your face?" "I was 'hiking the Appalachian Trail.'"
He was busted getting off a flight from Argentina. You know where all this is headed . . . the press conference when you have to tell the whole world . . . He admitted to the affair in Argentina. Great — now we're outsourcing mistresses.
There's been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade has been Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, disappeared without telling his staff or his wife where he went. Then he said he was hiking. Today, he showed up and held a press conference to announce that he went to Argentina to visit his mistress. This is the guy who some people thought might be a candidate for president. He won't, by the way.
In international news, if you're planning a trip to North Korea, don't go. The North Koreans are accusing us of trying to start another war, and they're saying that they will wipe us out if we do. They're probably kidding, though. They have a very good sense of humor about this stuff.
The Pittsburgh Penguins just won the Stanley Cup. Who better to congratulate them than New Age keyboard sensation Yanni. Nothing says hockey like Yanni in a light blue jersey.
Jimmy Fallon
Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, was missing for five days. He finally showed up and claimed he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then today, he revealed he was not hiking in the mountains, he was in Argentina where he was having an extramarital affair. It all seems so strange until you realize who his mistress is: Carmen Sandiego.
On July 14, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game in St. Louis. Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.
As a way to attract movie viewers, the Oscars now will nominate 10 movies for Best Picture, instead of five. That's just what the Oscars are missing — more losers.
