Thursday, June 18, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Today was the Lakers victory parade, and thousands of people crowded downtown Los Angeles, which clogged streets and held up traffic all over the city. Officials say it was the worst traffic jam in Los Angeles since yesterday.
People are suspecting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-to-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.
More fallout from the bad economy: It's affecting the number of available jobs, so many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM.
President Obama’s new healthcare bill proposal is so expensive, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three.
David Letterman
It's been 15 years since O.J. Simpson had his low-speed chase and was arrested for murder. I'm happy that guy has straightened out and settled down.
Today, O.J. celebrated quietly in jail with his new wife, Chuck.
Yesterday was the "Fire Dave" rally . . . a gathering of people who hate me. At my house, we call that Thanksgiving.
In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent Mir Hossein Mousavi had one of those crazy bets over who would win in the election. If Ahmadinejad won, he would get a crate of figs. If Mousavi won, he would be brutally slain.
Craig Ferguson
It's "National Eat Your Vegetables Day." It's the day America puts aside foods they like and eat vegetables.
Last night on TV president Obama killed a fly during an interview. It was kind of impressive. Of course, PETA is very upset.
Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had to resign as chairman of the Republican Policy Committee because he admitted to having an affair. It was an unusual affair for a senator — it was with a woman.
It's nice to see senators branching out — now that's change I can believe in.
Jimmy Fallon
The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. First Barry Bonds, then Alex Rodriguez, now Sosa. I think we know one thing for sure — steroids work great.
The FDA has reported that the nasal spray Zicam can reduce your sense of smell. Ever since the announcement, it's been flying off the shelves in New Jersey.
Shia LaBeouf announced that "Indiana Jones V" is in preproduction. So I guess they are counting that last one.
A woman in Ohio held up three separate banks on Monday. But only because they kept going out of business in the middle of the robbery. Even worse — they weren't her branch so they kept charging her $1.75 to rob them.
Conan O'Brien
Today was the Lakers victory parade, and thousands of people crowded downtown Los Angeles, which clogged streets and held up traffic all over the city. Officials say it was the worst traffic jam in Los Angeles since yesterday.
People are suspecting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-to-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.
More fallout from the bad economy: It's affecting the number of available jobs, so many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM.
President Obama’s new healthcare bill proposal is so expensive, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three.
David Letterman
It's been 15 years since O.J. Simpson had his low-speed chase and was arrested for murder. I'm happy that guy has straightened out and settled down.
Today, O.J. celebrated quietly in jail with his new wife, Chuck.
Yesterday was the "Fire Dave" rally . . . a gathering of people who hate me. At my house, we call that Thanksgiving.
In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent Mir Hossein Mousavi had one of those crazy bets over who would win in the election. If Ahmadinejad won, he would get a crate of figs. If Mousavi won, he would be brutally slain.
Craig Ferguson
It's "National Eat Your Vegetables Day." It's the day America puts aside foods they like and eat vegetables.
Last night on TV president Obama killed a fly during an interview. It was kind of impressive. Of course, PETA is very upset.
Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had to resign as chairman of the Republican Policy Committee because he admitted to having an affair. It was an unusual affair for a senator — it was with a woman.
It's nice to see senators branching out — now that's change I can believe in.
Jimmy Fallon
The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. First Barry Bonds, then Alex Rodriguez, now Sosa. I think we know one thing for sure — steroids work great.
The FDA has reported that the nasal spray Zicam can reduce your sense of smell. Ever since the announcement, it's been flying off the shelves in New Jersey.
Shia LaBeouf announced that "Indiana Jones V" is in preproduction. So I guess they are counting that last one.
A woman in Ohio held up three separate banks on Monday. But only because they kept going out of business in the middle of the robbery. Even worse — they weren't her branch so they kept charging her $1.75 to rob them.
