Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Sen. John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has an AM and FM radio.
In Iran, people protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabir is enjoying a lamb kebab.
General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General Motors said, “It’s a perfect fit ‘cause we only sell a dozen cars a year.”
It has been reported that publishers are turning Wikipedia into a 5,000 page book. However, I don’t think it’s true, because I read about it on Wikipedia.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The 'Fire David Letterman' Rally
10. "David who?"
9. "Well, it was nice of CBS to provide the catering"
8. "We should have done this years ago"
7. "What idiot turned Broadway into a pedestrian mall?"
6. "Isn't there always a crowd demanding Letterman be fired?"
5. "March around the potholes, people"
4. "Can we also get CBS to bring back 'Gunsmoke'?"
3. "When does Cheney get here with the waterboarding gear?"
2. "He should apologize for that hairpiece"
1. "Thanks for coming, Regis"
David Letterman
Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. She also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch.
I was really nervous about apologizing to Sarah Palin. So to get my confidence up, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey.
New York City is at war with Canadian geese ever since the whole US Airways landing in the Hudson. Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He's so serious, he's bringing in Dick Cheney.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iranian presidential election. People are angry and demanding a recount. As a matter of fact, the last unofficial count actually had Al Franken ahead.
Craig Ferguson
Things are going crazy over in Iran. They're calling for a recount . . . not of the election — "American Idol." They're very upset.
Drivers in New York were cited as the most aggressive and angry in the country. I dispute these results. New York — Los Angeles will raise you with one Mel Gibson.
Today is Cirque du Soleil's 25th anniversary. They're one of Canada's biggest exports, alongside Canadian bacon . . . which is really ham . . . and William Shatner . . . which is really ham . . .
Cirque du Soleil is like a circus, but instead of animals, they have the strangest creatures of all — the French Canadians.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There was some vandalism after the Lakers won the NBA championship. I like to think I contributed to their victory by never changing my Lamar Oden underpants.
Some people even torched vehicles. They were mostly at GM dealerships.
President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately . . . he's all over. He was all over NBC the week before last, and next week he's doing a two-hour prime-time town hall. I guess if we didn't want a president on TV all the time we shouldn't have elected Oprah's boyfriend.
Jimmy Fallon
John McCain said on his Twitter feed that he's buying a new Ford Fusion hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer; now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. I think he's like Benjamin Button.
British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for free. That's just what you want . . . a pilot with nothing to lose.
MySpace is laying off 30 percent of its workforce. Things are so bad, they've also laid off half their pedophiles.
Conan O'Brien
Sen. John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has an AM and FM radio.
In Iran, people protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabir is enjoying a lamb kebab.
General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General Motors said, “It’s a perfect fit ‘cause we only sell a dozen cars a year.”
It has been reported that publishers are turning Wikipedia into a 5,000 page book. However, I don’t think it’s true, because I read about it on Wikipedia.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The 'Fire David Letterman' Rally
10. "David who?"
9. "Well, it was nice of CBS to provide the catering"
8. "We should have done this years ago"
7. "What idiot turned Broadway into a pedestrian mall?"
6. "Isn't there always a crowd demanding Letterman be fired?"
5. "March around the potholes, people"
4. "Can we also get CBS to bring back 'Gunsmoke'?"
3. "When does Cheney get here with the waterboarding gear?"
2. "He should apologize for that hairpiece"
1. "Thanks for coming, Regis"
David Letterman
Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. She also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch.
I was really nervous about apologizing to Sarah Palin. So to get my confidence up, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey.
New York City is at war with Canadian geese ever since the whole US Airways landing in the Hudson. Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He's so serious, he's bringing in Dick Cheney.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iranian presidential election. People are angry and demanding a recount. As a matter of fact, the last unofficial count actually had Al Franken ahead.
Craig Ferguson
Things are going crazy over in Iran. They're calling for a recount . . . not of the election — "American Idol." They're very upset.
Drivers in New York were cited as the most aggressive and angry in the country. I dispute these results. New York — Los Angeles will raise you with one Mel Gibson.
Today is Cirque du Soleil's 25th anniversary. They're one of Canada's biggest exports, alongside Canadian bacon . . . which is really ham . . . and William Shatner . . . which is really ham . . .
Cirque du Soleil is like a circus, but instead of animals, they have the strangest creatures of all — the French Canadians.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There was some vandalism after the Lakers won the NBA championship. I like to think I contributed to their victory by never changing my Lamar Oden underpants.
Some people even torched vehicles. They were mostly at GM dealerships.
President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately . . . he's all over. He was all over NBC the week before last, and next week he's doing a two-hour prime-time town hall. I guess if we didn't want a president on TV all the time we shouldn't have elected Oprah's boyfriend.
Jimmy Fallon
John McCain said on his Twitter feed that he's buying a new Ford Fusion hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer; now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. I think he's like Benjamin Button.
British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for free. That's just what you want . . . a pilot with nothing to lose.
MySpace is laying off 30 percent of its workforce. Things are so bad, they've also laid off half their pedophiles.
