Saturday, June 6, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
-President Obama gave an historic speech yesterday in Egypt. President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, "assalaamu alaykum.” It was especially impressive, because a year ago, President Bush opened with “Shalom, Amigos
-President Obama gave a speech at Egypt’s Cairo University. The crowd at Cairo University loved Obama’s speech – especially the joke he made about their rival Cairo State.
-Today is National Donut Day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls it, “Friday.”
-Big entertainment news—it’s being reported that a movie version of the classic board game “Battleship” is in the works. Producers say the “Battleship” movie will capture all the excitement of a letter and number being read aloud.
-Paula Abdul is in the news. Paula Abdul is still negotiating her ‘American Idol' contract. It could take a while, because she’s negotiating it with the voices in her head and a lamppost.
-This is big ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow the Post Office is giving the area around Dodger Stadium its own zip code and renaming it Dodgertown. They’re also going to rename the area around where the Clippers play, “Suckville”.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs
10. Octomom babysitter
9. Mel Gibson divorce lawyer
8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
7. Susan Boyle groomer
6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
5. Dick Cheney hunting buddy (4th year on the list)
4. 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' marriage counselor
3. No number 3 - writer left to work for Conan
2. General Motors CEO
1. Proofreader for George W. Bush's memoir
David Letterman
“President Obama is continuing his World tour. Yesterday he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and called them “awe-inspiring.” That was an improvement over President Bush’s tour of the pyramids - he called them “pointy.”
“Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 53 today. He had a huge birthday party in one of New York’s hottest elevators. ”
“The season premiere of “Weeds” is this Monday. Or if you’re in college, it premieres tonight, tomorrow morning, maybe after English class, or in your friend’s basement.”
“A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an auction Thursday for over $19,000. The buyer reportedly said (in Bill Clinton voice) “Worth. Every. Penny.””
“The 63rd Annual Tony Awards are this Sunday – right across the street at Radio City Music Hall. It’s exciting - old gay people have already started tailgating.” “Instead of frisbees, they toss around Barbra Streisand Records.” “Doing shots of sparkling JagerMeister.” “I saw one guy funneling white Zinfandel.”
“Congratulations to Randy Johnson for winning his 300th game last night. He’s 45 years old and still pitching. Amazing. He's also leads the league in Runs to the Bathroom.”
“Today is National Doughnut Day. And tomorrow of course, is National “I can’t see my own penis” Day.”
“Did you see that new video of Britney Spears' 2- and 3-year-old sons dancing to her song "Toxic?” It’s super cute. But you can tell Kevin Federline’s their Dad - halfway through the song they stop dancing - and ask Britney for money.”
Conan O'Brien
-President Obama gave an historic speech yesterday in Egypt. President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, "assalaamu alaykum.” It was especially impressive, because a year ago, President Bush opened with “Shalom, Amigos
-President Obama gave a speech at Egypt’s Cairo University. The crowd at Cairo University loved Obama’s speech – especially the joke he made about their rival Cairo State.
-Today is National Donut Day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls it, “Friday.”
-Big entertainment news—it’s being reported that a movie version of the classic board game “Battleship” is in the works. Producers say the “Battleship” movie will capture all the excitement of a letter and number being read aloud.
-Paula Abdul is in the news. Paula Abdul is still negotiating her ‘American Idol' contract. It could take a while, because she’s negotiating it with the voices in her head and a lamppost.
-This is big ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow the Post Office is giving the area around Dodger Stadium its own zip code and renaming it Dodgertown. They’re also going to rename the area around where the Clippers play, “Suckville”.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs
10. Octomom babysitter
9. Mel Gibson divorce lawyer
8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
7. Susan Boyle groomer
6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
5. Dick Cheney hunting buddy (4th year on the list)
4. 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' marriage counselor
3. No number 3 - writer left to work for Conan
2. General Motors CEO
1. Proofreader for George W. Bush's memoir
David Letterman
“President Obama is continuing his World tour. Yesterday he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and called them “awe-inspiring.” That was an improvement over President Bush’s tour of the pyramids - he called them “pointy.”
“Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 53 today. He had a huge birthday party in one of New York’s hottest elevators. ”
“The season premiere of “Weeds” is this Monday. Or if you’re in college, it premieres tonight, tomorrow morning, maybe after English class, or in your friend’s basement.”
“A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an auction Thursday for over $19,000. The buyer reportedly said (in Bill Clinton voice) “Worth. Every. Penny.””
“The 63rd Annual Tony Awards are this Sunday – right across the street at Radio City Music Hall. It’s exciting - old gay people have already started tailgating.” “Instead of frisbees, they toss around Barbra Streisand Records.” “Doing shots of sparkling JagerMeister.” “I saw one guy funneling white Zinfandel.”
“Congratulations to Randy Johnson for winning his 300th game last night. He’s 45 years old and still pitching. Amazing. He's also leads the league in Runs to the Bathroom.”
“Today is National Doughnut Day. And tomorrow of course, is National “I can’t see my own penis” Day.”
“Did you see that new video of Britney Spears' 2- and 3-year-old sons dancing to her song "Toxic?” It’s super cute. But you can tell Kevin Federline’s their Dad - halfway through the song they stop dancing - and ask Britney for money.”
