Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Nice vote of confidence for President Obama — this weekend, John McCain of all people said that President Obama has “done well” during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain’s so proud of Obama he sent him a card with a $5 bill inside.
More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. To disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons, and the NBC prime time line-up.
Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got more than 100 percent of the vote. And what’s even stranger, all of those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Fla.
Good news for the auto industry — according to a new report, Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Mayor Bloomberg Has Gone Nuts
10. Canceled an official event to be home for the big "Jon & Kate Plus 8" announcement
9. Often wears lipstick and demands to be called Veronica
8. Routinely sunbathing in the middle of the Van Wyck Expressway
7. Just gave Yankees a billion dollars to build another new stadium
6. Decided to run for Ayatollah
5. Been eating nothing but raw cookie dough
4. Renamed every street "148th Street"
3. Often seen lurking around the city at night in a black cape
2. Declared war on Trenton
1. Announced he's building a pedestrian plaza in his pants
David Letterman
Barack Obama's approval rating dropped to 56 percent. So don't kid yourself — Hillary could still win this thing.
Hillary broke her elbow recently. She hasn't fully recovered yet. In fact, she's still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit.
John McCain is being more outspoken about Obama's foreign policy, his Iranian strategy. Today, he got so loud and so angry, they asked him to leave Denny's.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner of the Iranian election. People are protesting in the streets of Tehran. It got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader spoke live on TV last night. It pre-empted Al Jazeera's most popular show — "How I Met Your Camel."
Craig Ferguson
The couple from Jon & Kate Plus 8 filed for divorce today. The show's going to go on, it's just going to be called "Jon & Kate Minus Half of Jon's Stuff."
The man who invented the vibrating bed has died at age 92. The vibrating bed industry is very shaken up over this.
The bed I have is the Sleep Number bed. I can sleep soundly even if there's a hippo and a glass of wine on the other side.
Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after surgery to repair her broken elbow. Doctors say she'll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time.
Steve Jobs is doing fine after a liver transplant. Of course, every time you get a new liver they come out with a better one a month later . . .
Oprah is treating her entire staff and their families to a Mediterranean cruise. They're going to Spain, Greece, and Italy. This has inspired me — I want to let my staff know that tomorrow I am footing the bill for "Taco Tuesday
Conan O'Brien
Nice vote of confidence for President Obama — this weekend, John McCain of all people said that President Obama has “done well” during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain’s so proud of Obama he sent him a card with a $5 bill inside.
More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. To disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons, and the NBC prime time line-up.
Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got more than 100 percent of the vote. And what’s even stranger, all of those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Fla.
Good news for the auto industry — according to a new report, Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Mayor Bloomberg Has Gone Nuts
10. Canceled an official event to be home for the big "Jon & Kate Plus 8" announcement
9. Often wears lipstick and demands to be called Veronica
8. Routinely sunbathing in the middle of the Van Wyck Expressway
7. Just gave Yankees a billion dollars to build another new stadium
6. Decided to run for Ayatollah
5. Been eating nothing but raw cookie dough
4. Renamed every street "148th Street"
3. Often seen lurking around the city at night in a black cape
2. Declared war on Trenton
1. Announced he's building a pedestrian plaza in his pants
David Letterman
Barack Obama's approval rating dropped to 56 percent. So don't kid yourself — Hillary could still win this thing.
Hillary broke her elbow recently. She hasn't fully recovered yet. In fact, she's still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit.
John McCain is being more outspoken about Obama's foreign policy, his Iranian strategy. Today, he got so loud and so angry, they asked him to leave Denny's.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner of the Iranian election. People are protesting in the streets of Tehran. It got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader spoke live on TV last night. It pre-empted Al Jazeera's most popular show — "How I Met Your Camel."
Craig Ferguson
The couple from Jon & Kate Plus 8 filed for divorce today. The show's going to go on, it's just going to be called "Jon & Kate Minus Half of Jon's Stuff."
The man who invented the vibrating bed has died at age 92. The vibrating bed industry is very shaken up over this.
The bed I have is the Sleep Number bed. I can sleep soundly even if there's a hippo and a glass of wine on the other side.
Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after surgery to repair her broken elbow. Doctors say she'll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time.
Steve Jobs is doing fine after a liver transplant. Of course, every time you get a new liver they come out with a better one a month later . . .
Oprah is treating her entire staff and their families to a Mediterranean cruise. They're going to Spain, Greece, and Italy. This has inspired me — I want to let my staff know that tomorrow I am footing the bill for "Taco Tuesday
