Friday, June 19, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran. Actor Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice and said he’d get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.
The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life.
Earlier today it was announced that Billy Joel is separating from his wife Katie who is 33 years younger than he is. Katie said, “I feel bad, but all my friends are graduating and we want to backpack across Europe.”
Paris Hilton is going to be filming the next season of her reality show in the Middle Eastern nation of Dubai. Producers will also be re-titling the show, “This is Why They Hate Us.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts
10. Replaces your 7-iron with a garden weasel
9. Spends afternoon sipping mojitos in the sandtrap
8. He's the only caddy on skates
7. Congratulatory high-five replaced with open mouth kiss
6. Likes to pick up divots, put them on his head and say, "Welcome to Celebrity Apprentice"
5. Pimped golf cart to hop up and down
4. Says he needs weekends off
3. Using bag to stow beers for John Daly
2. Keeps inviting you to a "foursome," but he's not talking about golf
1. Carries your clubs in his pants
David Letterman
My family is taking me out for brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing.
My son has made me a Father's Day gift. It's so cute. It's a giant box . . . an inbox for all my hate mail.
They're having trouble in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people are lining the streets to protest the election results. And the government is going crazy. They're saying, "No, no, no. It's not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones."
This guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming victory. He is very unpopular. And the danger is this: He could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton fell down yesterday and broke her elbow. This is the worst break for a secretary of state since Madeleine Albright broke my heart. Call me, Mad Dog.
You know Fox News is going to be all over this: "This proves the Democrats are weak — Reagan fell over 10 times and didn't even break his hair."
The official report says that Hillary fell while walking to her car. But she's telling people that she broke it dodging sniper fire.
You know who I'm blaming for her fall, the under secretary of state, William Burns. That's right, Mr. Burns, I'm calling you out — you should have been under secretary of state as she fell.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We survived the Lakers victory parade — more than 150,000 people jammed the streets of downtown L.A. to welcome the NBA champions. And why not? No one has a job anymore anyway.
Many of the people were actually living on the street.
The president is getting a lot of criticism from PETA . . . the Psychotic Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking exception to the president killing a fly. For real. I guess the fly was a gift from the president of Ethiopia. They're saying he should have captured the fly and taken it outside.
They have relocated the fly's family to the rose garden where they are now living on a fresh pile of Obama's dog droppings
Conan O'Brien
A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran. Actor Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice and said he’d get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.
The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life.
Earlier today it was announced that Billy Joel is separating from his wife Katie who is 33 years younger than he is. Katie said, “I feel bad, but all my friends are graduating and we want to backpack across Europe.”
Paris Hilton is going to be filming the next season of her reality show in the Middle Eastern nation of Dubai. Producers will also be re-titling the show, “This is Why They Hate Us.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts
10. Replaces your 7-iron with a garden weasel
9. Spends afternoon sipping mojitos in the sandtrap
8. He's the only caddy on skates
7. Congratulatory high-five replaced with open mouth kiss
6. Likes to pick up divots, put them on his head and say, "Welcome to Celebrity Apprentice"
5. Pimped golf cart to hop up and down
4. Says he needs weekends off
3. Using bag to stow beers for John Daly
2. Keeps inviting you to a "foursome," but he's not talking about golf
1. Carries your clubs in his pants
David Letterman
My family is taking me out for brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing.
My son has made me a Father's Day gift. It's so cute. It's a giant box . . . an inbox for all my hate mail.
They're having trouble in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people are lining the streets to protest the election results. And the government is going crazy. They're saying, "No, no, no. It's not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones."
This guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming victory. He is very unpopular. And the danger is this: He could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton fell down yesterday and broke her elbow. This is the worst break for a secretary of state since Madeleine Albright broke my heart. Call me, Mad Dog.
You know Fox News is going to be all over this: "This proves the Democrats are weak — Reagan fell over 10 times and didn't even break his hair."
The official report says that Hillary fell while walking to her car. But she's telling people that she broke it dodging sniper fire.
You know who I'm blaming for her fall, the under secretary of state, William Burns. That's right, Mr. Burns, I'm calling you out — you should have been under secretary of state as she fell.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We survived the Lakers victory parade — more than 150,000 people jammed the streets of downtown L.A. to welcome the NBA champions. And why not? No one has a job anymore anyway.
Many of the people were actually living on the street.
The president is getting a lot of criticism from PETA . . . the Psychotic Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking exception to the president killing a fly. For real. I guess the fly was a gift from the president of Ethiopia. They're saying he should have captured the fly and taken it outside.
They have relocated the fly's family to the rose garden where they are now living on a fresh pile of Obama's dog droppings
