Saturday, June 27, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
It’s been reported that Gov. Sanford’s mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. This makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media.
Earlier today Sanford apologized to his Cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. In response, his Cabinet members said, “An apology is not good enough — we want photos.”
In Iran, opposition groups have announced that, from now on, they’re going to hold their protest rallies online. The protesters say they’re going to overthrow the Iranian regime, and then they’re going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano.
The new Transformers movie is a huge hit. Sources say that 65 General Motors cars were provided for the movie “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” General Motors said they will be providing even more of their cars for next one, “Transforms III: Revenge of the Lemons.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat
10. When people first meet you they say, "Lemme guess — opera singer?"
9. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th streets
8. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of your bed
7. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to remind him you're a man
6. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh
5. When you get on a scale, it says, "One at a time!"
4. On your visit to Russia, cholesterol checks you
3. Since this list began, you've eaten a quart of tartar sauce
2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
1. Get in bed at 11 p.m., but your ass doesn't get there till midnight
David Letterman
Hot and humid today. So hot, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer spent an extra 10 dollars on an oscillating hooker.
The garbage men in New York City will be allowed to wear shorts this summer. All part of Mayor Bloomberg's plan to beautify the city.
I know what you're thinking: New York City has garbage men?
Fourth of July this week. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.
Craig Ferguson
Dick Cheney is writing his memoir. It's going to be called, "To Kill a Mockingbird While Aiming at Your Lawyer."
It will be published by Satan and Schuster.
Well, Schuster's not really involved.
Environmentalists say that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the earth. Somebody please keep this information away from Al Gore.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thousands of people have come to pay their respect to Michael Jackson. The line to see his star on Hollywood Boulevard stretches around the block. It's longer than the iPhone line.
Michael Jackson news has pretty much wiped out all other news — Iran, Iraq, North Korea, the economy . . . not even Jon and Kate get mentioned anymore, and that's important stuff.
With all the Michael Jackson news, we almost forgot that today is Bring Your Dog to Work Day. Which, for blind people, is every day.
Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, "Did I get any e-mail while I was away?"
The next thing he said was, "I got you a shot glass from the airport."
"Transformers II" has made more than $145 million worldwide. It's on track to be the biggest box office opening of all time. It's incredible — somebody has finally found a way to make money using American cars.
To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He's just praying that nothing bad will happen . . . like night.
Conan O'Brien
It’s been reported that Gov. Sanford’s mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. This makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media.
Earlier today Sanford apologized to his Cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. In response, his Cabinet members said, “An apology is not good enough — we want photos.”
In Iran, opposition groups have announced that, from now on, they’re going to hold their protest rallies online. The protesters say they’re going to overthrow the Iranian regime, and then they’re going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano.
The new Transformers movie is a huge hit. Sources say that 65 General Motors cars were provided for the movie “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” General Motors said they will be providing even more of their cars for next one, “Transforms III: Revenge of the Lemons.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat
10. When people first meet you they say, "Lemme guess — opera singer?"
9. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th streets
8. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of your bed
7. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to remind him you're a man
6. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh
5. When you get on a scale, it says, "One at a time!"
4. On your visit to Russia, cholesterol checks you
3. Since this list began, you've eaten a quart of tartar sauce
2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"
1. Get in bed at 11 p.m., but your ass doesn't get there till midnight
David Letterman
Hot and humid today. So hot, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer spent an extra 10 dollars on an oscillating hooker.
The garbage men in New York City will be allowed to wear shorts this summer. All part of Mayor Bloomberg's plan to beautify the city.
I know what you're thinking: New York City has garbage men?
Fourth of July this week. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.
Craig Ferguson
Dick Cheney is writing his memoir. It's going to be called, "To Kill a Mockingbird While Aiming at Your Lawyer."
It will be published by Satan and Schuster.
Well, Schuster's not really involved.
Environmentalists say that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the earth. Somebody please keep this information away from Al Gore.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thousands of people have come to pay their respect to Michael Jackson. The line to see his star on Hollywood Boulevard stretches around the block. It's longer than the iPhone line.
Michael Jackson news has pretty much wiped out all other news — Iran, Iraq, North Korea, the economy . . . not even Jon and Kate get mentioned anymore, and that's important stuff.
With all the Michael Jackson news, we almost forgot that today is Bring Your Dog to Work Day. Which, for blind people, is every day.
Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, "Did I get any e-mail while I was away?"
The next thing he said was, "I got you a shot glass from the airport."
"Transformers II" has made more than $145 million worldwide. It's on track to be the biggest box office opening of all time. It's incredible — somebody has finally found a way to make money using American cars.
To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He's just praying that nothing bad will happen . . . like night.
