Saturday, June 13, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
It’s been reported that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it’s the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter.
Today, the country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century.
Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as “Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.”
Yesterday in New York City, a woman gave birth to a baby girl while waiting on a subway platform. Witnesses say it was the third grossest thing happening on the subway platform.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About The Digital Switchover
10. If I don't switch over, is my teevee gonna "splode?"
9. Is this 'cuz of the swine flu?
8. Can I still mute "The View"?
7. Will I have to do a digital switchover for my waffle maker also?
6. Any chance this will make Letterman funny?
5. Can you help me? I swallowed my remote
4. Uh . . . is that today?
3. Can you pass a law to bring back "Gunsmoke"?
2. Does this mean Oprah can finally see me watching her?
1. Seriously, shouldn't you idiots be working on the economy?
David Letterman
Today is the day for the big digital changeover for your TV. Everyone's getting ready. As a matter of fact, Dick Cheney hooked up a converter to his pacemaker.
Donald Trump's birthday this weekend. That thing on his head will be wearing a party hat.
They're trying to figure out what to do with the prisoners at Guantanamo. I have an idea: Let's move them in with Jon and Kate. It'll be "Jon & Kate Plus 245."
Craig Ferguson
I heard Prince needs a double hip replacement. Wow. Tonight he's going to party like he just turned 99.
The Olsen twins both turn 23 this weekend. They'll be celebrating like they do every year — they get a birthday cake and don't eat it.
It's a big night in television. Every TV station made the switch to digital. If you don't understand what's happening, you're not alone. It's like trying to understand "Lost" or Paula Abdul.
Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama signed a note for a fourth-grade girl who missed school so she could attend his town hall. I don’t see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes for fourth graders too — he just called them “speeches.”
Lil Wayne will be the proud father of two new sons from two different women. Yeah — the women were Lil Drunk and Lil Stoned.
Norman Brinker, the man who invented the salad bar, passed away this week. The wake was open-casket but with a sneeze-guard.
They lowered his casket into the ground using giant tongs.
Conan O'Brien
It’s been reported that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it’s the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter.
Today, the country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century.
Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as “Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.”
Yesterday in New York City, a woman gave birth to a baby girl while waiting on a subway platform. Witnesses say it was the third grossest thing happening on the subway platform.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About The Digital Switchover
10. If I don't switch over, is my teevee gonna "splode?"
9. Is this 'cuz of the swine flu?
8. Can I still mute "The View"?
7. Will I have to do a digital switchover for my waffle maker also?
6. Any chance this will make Letterman funny?
5. Can you help me? I swallowed my remote
4. Uh . . . is that today?
3. Can you pass a law to bring back "Gunsmoke"?
2. Does this mean Oprah can finally see me watching her?
1. Seriously, shouldn't you idiots be working on the economy?
David Letterman
Today is the day for the big digital changeover for your TV. Everyone's getting ready. As a matter of fact, Dick Cheney hooked up a converter to his pacemaker.
Donald Trump's birthday this weekend. That thing on his head will be wearing a party hat.
They're trying to figure out what to do with the prisoners at Guantanamo. I have an idea: Let's move them in with Jon and Kate. It'll be "Jon & Kate Plus 245."
Craig Ferguson
I heard Prince needs a double hip replacement. Wow. Tonight he's going to party like he just turned 99.
The Olsen twins both turn 23 this weekend. They'll be celebrating like they do every year — they get a birthday cake and don't eat it.
It's a big night in television. Every TV station made the switch to digital. If you don't understand what's happening, you're not alone. It's like trying to understand "Lost" or Paula Abdul.
Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama signed a note for a fourth-grade girl who missed school so she could attend his town hall. I don’t see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes for fourth graders too — he just called them “speeches.”
Lil Wayne will be the proud father of two new sons from two different women. Yeah — the women were Lil Drunk and Lil Stoned.
Norman Brinker, the man who invented the salad bar, passed away this week. The wake was open-casket but with a sneeze-guard.
They lowered his casket into the ground using giant tongs.
