Saturday, June 20, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
The Iranian government is trying very hard to legitimize their election — today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election an “absolute victory.” And then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA Championship.
Speaking of basketball, today, President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson, and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. In a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.
Earlier today in Los Angeles, armed robbers held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police can't identify the robbers because all the eyewitnesses say they have glaucoma.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow so yesterday she worked from home. Which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words “Help Me” with garden gnomes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day
10. "And you are?"
9. "Father? We always kind of assumed you were our mother"
8. "I'm supposed to give you a gift to thank you for ruining my life?!"
7. "Hey Dad, on your special day, how 'bout updating your will?"
6. "It's not just a nose hair trimmer, it's a nose and ear hair trimmer"
5. "All eight of us got you a subscription to US Weekly, so you can read about how you're cheating on Mom"
4. "It's a restaurant, Dad; they require a shirt"
3. "I know you don't play golf, but golfballs were easiest to shoplift"
2. "It's nice to go through the motions like this every year"
1. "Here's a couple bucks. Get yourself a McDLT"
David Letterman
Sunday is the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family.
It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. This is the week Liza Minnelli goes out husband-hunting.
I love Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see 300 guys dressed up like Sarah Palin?
Sunday is also father's Day. I got a weird call from my mom. She said, "David. Don't forget to send a Father's Day card to Larry King."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Mexican navy this week siezed almost 2,000 pounds of cocaine hidden inside the bodies of frozen sharks. Who knew Mexico had a navy?
It's already being made into a movie: "Sharkface."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl borke her fall.
Everyone is concerned about her. To wish her well, they flew a pantsuit at half-mast at the White House.
Jimmy Fallon
Today Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said there was no fraud in the election and the results will stand. I don't know. I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other Supreme Leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course Diana Ross."
GM just announced that they will stop manufacturing the Pontiac Vibe in August. The reason? Bad Vibes. The CEO said today, “We’re no longer making the Pontiac Vibe. Also, I had no idea there was something called the Pontiac Vibe."
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. Too bad there wasn’t an easier way to know when your phone is ringing . . . like when it rings.
Happy Birthday to Paula Abdul. She’s 47 years old, and she plans to spend the day with her closest friends: Vicodin and Chardonnay
Conan O'Brien
The Iranian government is trying very hard to legitimize their election — today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election an “absolute victory.” And then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA Championship.
Speaking of basketball, today, President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson, and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. In a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.
Earlier today in Los Angeles, armed robbers held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police can't identify the robbers because all the eyewitnesses say they have glaucoma.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow so yesterday she worked from home. Which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words “Help Me” with garden gnomes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day
10. "And you are?"
9. "Father? We always kind of assumed you were our mother"
8. "I'm supposed to give you a gift to thank you for ruining my life?!"
7. "Hey Dad, on your special day, how 'bout updating your will?"
6. "It's not just a nose hair trimmer, it's a nose and ear hair trimmer"
5. "All eight of us got you a subscription to US Weekly, so you can read about how you're cheating on Mom"
4. "It's a restaurant, Dad; they require a shirt"
3. "I know you don't play golf, but golfballs were easiest to shoplift"
2. "It's nice to go through the motions like this every year"
1. "Here's a couple bucks. Get yourself a McDLT"
David Letterman
Sunday is the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family.
It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. This is the week Liza Minnelli goes out husband-hunting.
I love Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see 300 guys dressed up like Sarah Palin?
Sunday is also father's Day. I got a weird call from my mom. She said, "David. Don't forget to send a Father's Day card to Larry King."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Mexican navy this week siezed almost 2,000 pounds of cocaine hidden inside the bodies of frozen sharks. Who knew Mexico had a navy?
It's already being made into a movie: "Sharkface."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl borke her fall.
Everyone is concerned about her. To wish her well, they flew a pantsuit at half-mast at the White House.
Jimmy Fallon
Today Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said there was no fraud in the election and the results will stand. I don't know. I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other Supreme Leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course Diana Ross."
GM just announced that they will stop manufacturing the Pontiac Vibe in August. The reason? Bad Vibes. The CEO said today, “We’re no longer making the Pontiac Vibe. Also, I had no idea there was something called the Pontiac Vibe."
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. Too bad there wasn’t an easier way to know when your phone is ringing . . . like when it rings.
Happy Birthday to Paula Abdul. She’s 47 years old, and she plans to spend the day with her closest friends: Vicodin and Chardonnay
