Thursday, June 11, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Historic day for the auto industry. Today, Chrysler was taken over by Fiat. Today the new CEO said, “going forward we intend to build on Chrysler’s culture of innovation.” Then he laughed for 3 straight hours.
President Obama has put healthcare back in the news. President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that’s both affordable and easy to use. The insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with Congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use.
As you all know, two US reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea and now President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. After hearing the Al Gore threat, North Korea gave up the reporters and their nuclear program.
Former President George H.W. Bush will celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. His son, George W. Bush will celebrate his father’s birthday the way he always does: giving him a World’s Greatest Dad mug and making him a macaroni necklace.
David Letterman
Have you folks seen the blockbuster summer movie 'Hangover?' The movie is about what happens after a wild night of drinking. And, you know, I did that once, where you wake up and you realize you'd done something. That was a couple of months ago – I got married. 'Hangover,' by the way – now here's a little confusion. Don't confuse 'Hangover' with a film about Donald Trump – it's called 'Combover.'
I am in so much trouble – the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me ‘pathetic.’ Yep, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic – well, since the honeymoon, actually. But I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the governor was mad at me and called me pathetic. And to cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes. And I was thinking about this – great. My luck. I pissed off a hunter.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race but today he got some great news for the campaign – he was endorsed by Mel Gibson. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the korean dictator Kim Jong-il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny – because these guys are all petite guys – the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, I guess, Tom Cruise.
According to a tracking agency, President Obama invokes the name Jesus more frequently now than did George Bush for the same amount of time in his presidency. I bet it's true. Because, if you think about it, Obama is always saying, 'Jesus, why did I run for president?'
Jimmy Fallon
Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I’m not sure about his business plan – he’s giving away free cars on nights and weekends. In an interview the new chairman actually said, "I don't know anything about cars.” I respect that. He’s keeping up the GM tradition.
Kim Jong-il said that – if provoked – North Korea would not hesitate to use it’s nuclear weapons in a “merciless offensive.” I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat, little weirdo.
Scientists have created a mathematical formula that can be used as a “cosmic pregnancy test” to predict the birth of new stars in the galaxy. The only problem is that it's really hard to get the universe to pee on a stick.
Cops in France are searching for a thief who stole a notebook full of Picasso’s sketches. The thief should be easy to find—he has just one eye and his foot is on his forehead.
Conan O'Brien
Historic day for the auto industry. Today, Chrysler was taken over by Fiat. Today the new CEO said, “going forward we intend to build on Chrysler’s culture of innovation.” Then he laughed for 3 straight hours.
President Obama has put healthcare back in the news. President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that’s both affordable and easy to use. The insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with Congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use.
As you all know, two US reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea and now President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. After hearing the Al Gore threat, North Korea gave up the reporters and their nuclear program.
Former President George H.W. Bush will celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. His son, George W. Bush will celebrate his father’s birthday the way he always does: giving him a World’s Greatest Dad mug and making him a macaroni necklace.
David Letterman
Have you folks seen the blockbuster summer movie 'Hangover?' The movie is about what happens after a wild night of drinking. And, you know, I did that once, where you wake up and you realize you'd done something. That was a couple of months ago – I got married. 'Hangover,' by the way – now here's a little confusion. Don't confuse 'Hangover' with a film about Donald Trump – it's called 'Combover.'
I am in so much trouble – the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me ‘pathetic.’ Yep, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic – well, since the honeymoon, actually. But I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the governor was mad at me and called me pathetic. And to cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes. And I was thinking about this – great. My luck. I pissed off a hunter.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race but today he got some great news for the campaign – he was endorsed by Mel Gibson. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the korean dictator Kim Jong-il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny – because these guys are all petite guys – the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, I guess, Tom Cruise.
According to a tracking agency, President Obama invokes the name Jesus more frequently now than did George Bush for the same amount of time in his presidency. I bet it's true. Because, if you think about it, Obama is always saying, 'Jesus, why did I run for president?'
Jimmy Fallon
Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I’m not sure about his business plan – he’s giving away free cars on nights and weekends. In an interview the new chairman actually said, "I don't know anything about cars.” I respect that. He’s keeping up the GM tradition.
Kim Jong-il said that – if provoked – North Korea would not hesitate to use it’s nuclear weapons in a “merciless offensive.” I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat, little weirdo.
Scientists have created a mathematical formula that can be used as a “cosmic pregnancy test” to predict the birth of new stars in the galaxy. The only problem is that it's really hard to get the universe to pee on a stick.
Cops in France are searching for a thief who stole a notebook full of Picasso’s sketches. The thief should be easy to find—he has just one eye and his foot is on his forehead.
