Friday, June 12, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Finally some good news from the American auto industry. Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian, workers. Fiat says it got the idea from the Olive Garden.
A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican is angry and so is everyone at his country club.
Political experts say that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to endorse what he calls a “two-state solution” where Israelis and Palestinians live side-by-side but have no contact. Netanyahu said, “It’ll be just like being married to a Jewish woman.”
Recently, Michael Phelps released a children's book he wrote called "How to Train With a T-Rex and Win 8 Gold Medals." Then he wrote another book called, “How to Make a Bong Out of a Milk Carton.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Regis Philbin Is Not on the Show Tonight
10. I'm not available.
9. I'm out of town.
8. Just not interested.
7. You know, I never really cared for this show.
6. I'm waiting for the exterminator.
5. I gotta do a thing – anything.
4. I'm just not a fan.
3. It's the digital TV switchover.
2. Honestly, I don’t feel like it.
1. Frankly, it’s none of your business.
Late Show with David Letterman
If you have an old TV, tomorrow it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing, and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain was confused. He wanted to know, after the conversion, will his tv dinners still work?
Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? Looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a member's only jacket. He looks like one of those guys they drag away every week on ‘Dateline.’
Well, it's been a busy week here on the Late Show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and invited to take me hunting.
Jimmy Fallon
Karl Rove called the New York Times’ Maureen Dowd a “bitter, twisted, deranged columnist,” -- and a “dour, downbeat liberal” - and more - a “nasty, snarky person.” Hey - get a room!
Venezuela has banned the sale of Coke Zero because of unspecified health risks. And still not banned in Venezuela: actual coke.
According to the Congressional budget office deficit hit a record 189 billion dollars in May. Or as it’s known here in New York – Four Yankee Tickets.
Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress?
Conan O'Brien
Finally some good news from the American auto industry. Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian, workers. Fiat says it got the idea from the Olive Garden.
A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican is angry and so is everyone at his country club.
Political experts say that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to endorse what he calls a “two-state solution” where Israelis and Palestinians live side-by-side but have no contact. Netanyahu said, “It’ll be just like being married to a Jewish woman.”
Recently, Michael Phelps released a children's book he wrote called "How to Train With a T-Rex and Win 8 Gold Medals." Then he wrote another book called, “How to Make a Bong Out of a Milk Carton.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Regis Philbin Is Not on the Show Tonight
10. I'm not available.
9. I'm out of town.
8. Just not interested.
7. You know, I never really cared for this show.
6. I'm waiting for the exterminator.
5. I gotta do a thing – anything.
4. I'm just not a fan.
3. It's the digital TV switchover.
2. Honestly, I don’t feel like it.
1. Frankly, it’s none of your business.
Late Show with David Letterman
If you have an old TV, tomorrow it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing, and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain was confused. He wanted to know, after the conversion, will his tv dinners still work?
Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? Looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a member's only jacket. He looks like one of those guys they drag away every week on ‘Dateline.’
Well, it's been a busy week here on the Late Show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and invited to take me hunting.
Jimmy Fallon
Karl Rove called the New York Times’ Maureen Dowd a “bitter, twisted, deranged columnist,” -- and a “dour, downbeat liberal” - and more - a “nasty, snarky person.” Hey - get a room!
Venezuela has banned the sale of Coke Zero because of unspecified health risks. And still not banned in Venezuela: actual coke.
According to the Congressional budget office deficit hit a record 189 billion dollars in May. Or as it’s known here in New York – Four Yankee Tickets.
Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress?
