Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Elizabeth Hasselbeck of "The View" is denying claims that she plagiarized her recent book. Hasselbeck said she plans to refute these charges in her upcoming memoir, “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.”
The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named The USS John McCain to deal with a North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch The John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.
Yesterday, the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced that he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country, and you can understand every word he says.
In China, a husband recently discovered that his wife was a man after he’d been married to her for three years. Friends are describing the husband as “not a real details guy.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Lucas Glover Would Like To Say After Winning The U.S. Open
10. I'd like to thank Tiger Woods for letting someone else win
9. I started playing golf in March
8. I forgot my wedge yesterday, so I used a rake
7. Honestly, I'm just glad to be out of the rain
6. I had Phil Mickelson in the office pool
5. Ladies, my last name isn't "Glover" — it's "G. Lover"
4. I drive for show, I putt for dough
3. Does anybody have a phone number for that Jon & Kate lady?
2. If there's anything more exciting than watching golf, it's 10 lame jokes read by a guy who plays golf
1. Even I have never heard of me
David Letterman
It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. One of the many events is the silent auction. The winner gets Liza Minnelli.
Bernie Madoff has been barred from working in the securities industry. And I'm thinking, "Great — how's the guy supposed to make a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?"
He was looking for a shorter sentence — 12 years. If anybody deserves a break, it's this guy.
Wow — 150 years. When he gets out, Republicans could be back in.
Craig Ferguson
MySpace has fired 60 percent of its workforce. They notified workers as fast as possible. They left messages on their Facebook pages.
Tonight's the premier of "America's Got Talent." It's based on an English show called, "Britain's Got Talent." Which they do, in some areas. In others, not so much. Like dentistry — there's very little talent.
The winner of "America's Got Talent" gets a million bucks. Which sounds great until you find out it's paid over 40 years. So that's $25,000 a year . . . which is considered poverty level. But it's poverty for 40 years, guaranteed!
Jimmy Fallon
An earthquake struck Alaska yesterday that measured 5.4. But as Sarah Palin said, it felt like 6 point "oh my gosh."
Manny Ramirez, after being suspended for 50 games for using a banned drug, will play baseball for the Albuquerque Isotopes. He says he doesn't know what isotopes are but he's pretty sure he's injected them at some point.
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes when their owners' blood sugar drops. They're great at it, but only when diabetes is in your crotch.
Conan O'Brien
Elizabeth Hasselbeck of "The View" is denying claims that she plagiarized her recent book. Hasselbeck said she plans to refute these charges in her upcoming memoir, “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.”
The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named The USS John McCain to deal with a North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch The John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.
Yesterday, the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced that he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country, and you can understand every word he says.
In China, a husband recently discovered that his wife was a man after he’d been married to her for three years. Friends are describing the husband as “not a real details guy.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Lucas Glover Would Like To Say After Winning The U.S. Open
10. I'd like to thank Tiger Woods for letting someone else win
9. I started playing golf in March
8. I forgot my wedge yesterday, so I used a rake
7. Honestly, I'm just glad to be out of the rain
6. I had Phil Mickelson in the office pool
5. Ladies, my last name isn't "Glover" — it's "G. Lover"
4. I drive for show, I putt for dough
3. Does anybody have a phone number for that Jon & Kate lady?
2. If there's anything more exciting than watching golf, it's 10 lame jokes read by a guy who plays golf
1. Even I have never heard of me
David Letterman
It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. One of the many events is the silent auction. The winner gets Liza Minnelli.
Bernie Madoff has been barred from working in the securities industry. And I'm thinking, "Great — how's the guy supposed to make a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?"
He was looking for a shorter sentence — 12 years. If anybody deserves a break, it's this guy.
Wow — 150 years. When he gets out, Republicans could be back in.
Craig Ferguson
MySpace has fired 60 percent of its workforce. They notified workers as fast as possible. They left messages on their Facebook pages.
Tonight's the premier of "America's Got Talent." It's based on an English show called, "Britain's Got Talent." Which they do, in some areas. In others, not so much. Like dentistry — there's very little talent.
The winner of "America's Got Talent" gets a million bucks. Which sounds great until you find out it's paid over 40 years. So that's $25,000 a year . . . which is considered poverty level. But it's poverty for 40 years, guaranteed!
Jimmy Fallon
An earthquake struck Alaska yesterday that measured 5.4. But as Sarah Palin said, it felt like 6 point "oh my gosh."
Manny Ramirez, after being suspended for 50 games for using a banned drug, will play baseball for the Albuquerque Isotopes. He says he doesn't know what isotopes are but he's pretty sure he's injected them at some point.
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes when their owners' blood sugar drops. They're great at it, but only when diabetes is in your crotch.
