Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The White House had a private screening of "Star Trek." You don't have to worry about some moron talking though the movie at private screenings. That's why they didn’t invite Joe Biden.
Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne movie coming out. Matt Damon plays a CIA agent who Tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. But it's Pelosi who gets amnesia in this one.
The government is now bailing out insurance companies. Billions are going to insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Too bad they didn't have insurance.
The economy is bad. So bad, Dick Cheney was hanging people upside down just to get the change that was falling out of their pockets.
David Letterman
NASA is repairing the Hubble telescope. They're having difficulties. Everything is more difficult in space. It doesn't surprise me — it's not like they're rocket scientists.
Everyone's got an opinion on how to fix it. Kiefer Sutherland said, "Hey — did you try head-butting it?"
Vice President Joe Biden apparently had a couple of drinks and was shooting his mouth off. He announced the undisclosed location of former Vice President Dick Cheney's bunker. And I was thinking, "Joe, c'mon. If you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal where bin Laden is hiding?"
Former President Bill Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be in Toronto debating. There's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count.
Craig Ferguson
Los Angeles had an earthquake the other day. There wasn't much damage. In fact, there were $2,000 worth of improvements to this studio.
Scientists say they have found the missing link. The link between man and monkey. It's a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries — which makes it the direct ancestor of today's supermodel.
Scientists have determined that the monkey fossil is 47 million years old. It was verified today by Larry King who was married to the monkey.
Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of Dick Cheney's top secret bunker. He did apologize. He said, "I'm so sorry. The launch code is 85334."
"The house key is under the plant near the door step . . ." He just can't help it.
President Obama has appointed Utah's Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China. Part of Obama's plan to get every Republican out of the country by 2010.
Jay Leno
The White House had a private screening of "Star Trek." You don't have to worry about some moron talking though the movie at private screenings. That's why they didn’t invite Joe Biden.
Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne movie coming out. Matt Damon plays a CIA agent who Tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. But it's Pelosi who gets amnesia in this one.
The government is now bailing out insurance companies. Billions are going to insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Too bad they didn't have insurance.
The economy is bad. So bad, Dick Cheney was hanging people upside down just to get the change that was falling out of their pockets.
David Letterman
NASA is repairing the Hubble telescope. They're having difficulties. Everything is more difficult in space. It doesn't surprise me — it's not like they're rocket scientists.
Everyone's got an opinion on how to fix it. Kiefer Sutherland said, "Hey — did you try head-butting it?"
Vice President Joe Biden apparently had a couple of drinks and was shooting his mouth off. He announced the undisclosed location of former Vice President Dick Cheney's bunker. And I was thinking, "Joe, c'mon. If you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal where bin Laden is hiding?"
Former President Bill Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be in Toronto debating. There's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count.
Craig Ferguson
Los Angeles had an earthquake the other day. There wasn't much damage. In fact, there were $2,000 worth of improvements to this studio.
Scientists say they have found the missing link. The link between man and monkey. It's a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries — which makes it the direct ancestor of today's supermodel.
Scientists have determined that the monkey fossil is 47 million years old. It was verified today by Larry King who was married to the monkey.
Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of Dick Cheney's top secret bunker. He did apologize. He said, "I'm so sorry. The launch code is 85334."
"The house key is under the plant near the door step . . ." He just can't help it.
President Obama has appointed Utah's Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China. Part of Obama's plan to get every Republican out of the country by 2010.
